


Melancholy.

by orphan_account



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Schizophrenia, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-03
Updated: 2015-01-17
Packaged: 2018-02-16 01:41:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 48,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2251200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The whole damn world is full of melancholy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Difference Between Sanity and Insanity

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this for quite a while but have been too afraid to post it. It's my first completed fic and it isn't really that good, but I'm proud of it. :)

It started simply enough. I thought it was just a trick my mind conjured up or someone pulling a prank on me. The whisper from an unidentified voice leaked through my brain and into every crack and every crevice. The day that it finally got worse, the day that put me in Gray Oak, well, it only happened a month later.

“You’re going to die,” it told me. 

A month later was my first vision. It was so vivid that I had ended up screaming. The image dripped in front of my eyes and took over my reality; the way the vague, secluded outline slowly made its way into the room. No one noticed, and my eyes stayed on the figure. When he pulled out the gun, my first thought was that I was going to die. But Mr. Tobach was the one who died first. His body fell limp in front of me, my mentor, the one who encouraged my art was dead. I searched for the man while scrambling on the floor, and noticed the monstrous smile on his face, his teeth bared to show shark teeth. Blood from Mr. Tobach was getting onto my own hands making them wet, sticky, and dark red. His voice as he spoke was terrifying. 

“This is your warning, Gerard Way.” He talked as if he was chewing on stones. This murderer walked outside, but I never saw his face, just the dark. I screamed while I put my bloodied hands to my ears and tried to make his voice stop echoing in my head.

The nurse brought me in the same day. My parents explained what had really happened while I sat on those uncomfortable, crummy beds in her light blue office when they arrived. They explained that I had started screaming and hallucinating while Mr. Tobach attempted to calm me down, asking what was wrong, and I just stared straight at him.

Apparently I had said, “This is my warning.” 

It was completely inappropriate, my mother said, starting such a scene like that. My parents had a reputation to look out for around our neighborhood. We were a model family. Mom couldn’t risk that, so I promised that it wouldn’t happen again. All I could explain to them that my brain had a freak out on me because I didn’t sleep last night. Of course Mom sighed, Dad fumed, and Mikey went to his room to do his homework while I was given a lecture.

“You’re nearly an adult,” Dad explained. “You never acted up as a kid and you don’t need to start acting up now, Gerard. Get some sleep tonight.” I promised them both that it was nothing, that I wouldn’t act up again and that I was okay. There was a period where nothing would happen; no whispers, no images engraved in my head, nothing out of the ordinary. Everything was alright for me and rough patches like that wouldn’t happen again.

My second breakdown happened three months after on the day of my graduation. In the midst of reaching for my diploma, I saw it again. The dark hooded figure in the back of the crowd, his smile white and intimidating. I paused with my mouth open and, about to shout out to my parents to give them some sort of warning, the man went to my parents. My father’s eyes lacked light seconds later, and my mother’s joined his, too.

“Our patience with you is dwindling, Gerard Way.” His voice seemed more poor than before, croaky and flat. “He is next,” the voice whispered. “This is your warning, the patience they have for you is gone.” 

The whispers, constant repeats of the same thing again and again nearly made my knees weak. I pushed myself forward but the thought of being near that man made me sick. I jumped off the stage, and landed on my face. I got up completely out of it, but I managed to get people out of my way, leaving bloody marks on people because of the scratches I had gotten while I was down. Hadn’t anyone seen my parents’ murders?

I woke up with Dad grasping on to me, Mikey on the ground, shaking terribly. People were staring, their eyes burning through me. The scratches on my hands were bleeding quickly, thin red lines running down my palms. Dad eased me off the ground and hid his head in shame because of the embarrassment he called his son.

“Your behavior lately has been a complete aberration!” Dad was being awfully provocative as he shouted. 

I pitied Mikey, the shaking was so bad for him that it made his glasses shake, too. I watched the way Dad’s knuckles were bone-white, gripped onto the steering wheel. “You humiliated our family, Gerard. Do you understand that? The Janelli family will want to understand what’s going on in your head.” I looked down. There was nothing I could say to them. It had been real. It should have been. Why didn’t my parents stay dead, though? What did he do to my head to make it act this way? 

When we got home, I was still in my dirty gown. I peeled off the layers of clothing and got in the shower. Mikey’s complaining led me to get out earlier, otherwise I would have never left, just let my body melt, go down drain, and never return home. My parents or Mikey would find nothing but steam. Dad would probably get pissed at me for leaving the water on and raising the water bill. Mikey would probably think about moving his stuff into my room, his room had always been too cramped for him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second chapter. I'll update either every day, every other day, or on the weekends. If anyone catches a mistake, please tell me :)  
> Yeah so  
> enjoy

Mikey was pounding on the door, his fist hitting it over and over. The water poured down my body and made my hair a black mop. My vision was blurry from the hot water in my eyes. I just wanted quiet. I didn’t want him to bother me, or anyone for that matter. The raps on my door got louder, but the running water made the noise fuzzy. This time my father yelled for me. Why did they have to yell? It was a simple shower. I pushed the knob and turned it on the right so it would shut off, and all there would be was ice-cold water. When I got to turning it all off, I stepped out and wrapped the towel around my waist. I stared at the mirror, my lips pasty, blue, and chalky, I looked at the pudge on my stomach. I pinched it between my fingers. The screaming stopped, so I inspected from the other side of the door afraid to come out just yet.

“Dad?” I called out. “Mikey?” 

There was nothing for a few minutes. I guessed that they had gone into another room, somewhere else where they couldn’t bother me. It felt like someone else was on the other side, and their heartbeat ringing in my ears. 

“Mom!” I shouted.

There was nothing, only the sound of a heartbeat.

“Time’s out, Gerard Way.” The voice was raw, sickly, merely just a whisper. “Our patience is gone.” 

The doorknob slowly turned while I rushed toward the other end of the bathroom, crouched down against the wall, pulled my damp hair, and shrieked. It had to be now, it just had to be. The man’s warnings had been confusing and difficult for me to figure out, but now that the door was going to open, he was going to kill me. For whatever reason, this man had warned me, and I was too late. The same knife that killed my parents, Mr. Tobach, and now Mikey, would kill me, too. My heart pounded in my chest a mile a minute, and it physically hurt now.

“I don’t want to die!” I screamed.

The voice I heard was unrecognizable, not mine, but it had to be, because the man didn’t speak, only worked on unlocking the door and murdering me.

“I don’t want to die!” I repeated. “I don’t want to die!” I didn’t understand why he was doing this. “I don’t want to fucking die!” I stood up on wobbly legs and took a step forward and leaned on the bathroom counter to support my weight. I wanted to scream until my head exploded. It wasn’t long now until the man caught up with me, and I wouldn’t be able to hide anymore. I looked at myself in the mirror and my heart filled with self-hatred. This body, this life, it wasn’t what I wanted, and I was going to die miserable, wretched and alone by the hands of him. I pulled my fist back, and that split second when my fist met the glass in a excruciatingly painful punch, I wondered what I was actually doing.

The glass shards cut their way through my knuckles. The glass was all over the counter, on my knuckles, blood dripping down onto my palm making it sticky. I grabbed a large piece of glass and tried to run it against my wrist. There wasn’t enough time, time for my original goal, killing myself? No, I wanted to live. I wanted to make it out alive, but even now the dizziness in my head wouldn’t go away. There was a loud bell ringing in my ears. If I was going to die today I would go out a way I wanted to, not by another person’s hands. I wouldn’t be his toy to use and play with if that was what his original intent was. I crawled back into the shower while getting blood on the ground, and turned it down to ice-cold again, shivering uncontrollably.

I didn’t know what would get to me first: the blood loss, hypothermia, or the killer, but did it really matter? I no longer felt anything, just numbness, coldness. It seemed like the hypothermia would catch up to my body first, the blood still leaving my body at a rapid rate.

Mom was the one who had found me. My body was blue against the white tiles, red blood going down the drain. She had forced the locked door open and screamed, then ran hastily to turn off the water. I passed out, and when I woke up, it wasn’t in my own bed. Apparently, it took a lot of arguing and yelling to get me into the hospital to get myself checked out. Mom begged for it, Dad opposed it, and finally Dad left the house, slamming the door, and Mom and Mikey took me to the hospital without him. The hospital was bleached and white, the smell of medicine and the way it felt like everything had been cleaned and wiped down with too much hydrogen peroxide. On the other side of the curtain, white as a ghost, I heard my mother’s voice, her muffled weeping.

I couldn’t make out what she was saying. My head hurt too much to think as I struggled to get up. Why did I have a migraine now? I rested against the bed, hard and cold, my heart hurting as it hammered against my chest. The man could be anywhere, he could be disguised as one of the doctors, I realized. I needed to get out, /now./ I scrambled up off the bed despite the pain in my head, the throbbing ache.

That was when long, slender fingers pulled back the curtain to expose my mother’s face, frown lines and mascara dripping down her cheeks.

“Gerard!” she said sorrowfully, “Gerard...” The doctor’s face was grim, and I wondered where Mikey had gone. I stared at my mother, her face full of worry and maybe even fear, and why was that? “Gerard...Gerard, you have schizophrenia.”

Those two weeks had been hell. In Dad’s perspective, I needed discipline, and Mom thought that I needed medication, help, treatment. Dad thought it was just a trick, that no, mental illnesses didn’t really exist, they weren’t actually real. I just needed to man up and face life and get over it. Finally on the last day of constant arguing every time they came to visit me, they agreed with my doctor to put me into the ward for, as my doctor put it, “suicidal tendencies, a harm to self or others, and paranoid schizophrenia.”


	3. Chapter 3

Mom urged Dad to pay for the best place they could place me in for however long it took me to get better, to pay for the medication and treatment I would obviously need. I didn’t really believe that I had schizophrenia, I mean, that man had to be real, he had to be out for me for whatever reason. Maybe he was wealthy enough for this to be able to happen, for these things to seem real even though they weren’t.

I still couldn’t decide if this was my second chance or if it was ending my chances all together. As my new therapist by the name of Dr. Morrigan greeted me at the door of the new institution I turned to my mother and Mikey, and noticed that Dad was too ashamed to get out of the car, his face clearly the color of plums through the window. Mom cried to herself, clinging onto my shirt tightly, hugging me and kissing my forehead with the promises of them visiting every week, and during Christmas, especially, to drop off my gifts. Once word got around of my whereabouts there would be no gifts from my father’s side of the family, most likely. Mikey gave me a weak smile and a slight shrug, unsure of what to do, his glasses tilted down to his nose. He didn’t say a word at all.

It was understandable, and there was a language between us I knew he would never admit. Dr. Morrigan smiled at me.

“Gerard, hello. Welcome to Gray Oak. If you’ll follow me I will show you your room.” She isn’t grim-faced like I expected people to be the moment I heard Mom talking about Gray Oak. Her face is stressed, but genuinely kind, and there was a wiseness in her eyes that made me form a small amount of respect. “I will be your therapist during your stay.”

Dr. Morrigan held the door open for me as I pulled my suitcase inside. It was filled with small things to remind me of home if I got homesick, a few pencils, colored pencils, a few items of clothing that would follow Gray Oak’s guidelines, and a letter tucked into the pocket that Mom wrote specifically for Dr. Morrigan, which I had almost forgotten about. I stopped in the middle of the room, taking notice to the way the institute was, how it was modeled, the rooms and numbers above the doors of the rooms. I kneeled down on the ground and eyed my shoes, the laces missing unfortunately, as I had to get rid of them due to doctor’s orders. I fished for my mom’s letter and handed it to Dr. Morrigan. She had this pleasant look upon her face but as her eyes scanned the letter, concern filled them.

Dr. Morrigan nodded understandingly and tucked the letter away into one of her pockets. “I will make note of that, Gerard.” She used my name like we knew each other. Two minutes had passed and I thought I had trusted her wisdom, or to doubt her completely. Who knew what this woman did? Putting trust into this therapist could possibly lead to my death, if she was included in with the man’s actions. I decided to nickname him Shark, and silently I prayed that the thick, concrete walls would shield me from Shark and his killing intentions. It was clear that he would strike again, and it could be the last time he does. He could succeed. She could be a part of Shark’s plans, setting a goal to get me alone, then he would attack.

Dr. Morrigan stopped walking at the very beginning of a section labeled in clear letters: AD11 section 2 and smiled to herself.

“The schedule will be very easy to adapt to once you fall into the routine. 7:00 is when someone will inform you to get ready. At 7:30 breakfast begins, 7:50 is when it ends, 8:00 our community group begins. At 9:45 our session will begin. By the way, Gerard, it is completely up to you how long our sessions last, but the sessions on average last at least an hour, or an hour and a half. 11:20 is process group, many of the social workers you’ll see around is in charge of process group. 4:00 to 4:55 is visitation hours, 5:00 dinner is served, 7:00 is recapping what you did for community group. We have your medication that we’ll be giving you soon and 9:00 is when it will be distributed. At 9:30 is when you have time to use for yourself, many people use the common room to watch T.V. or play games, lights are out at 11:30. Is that easy to understand, Gerard?” She told me grinning.

I nodded just so she would stop talking. She beamed and started walking to where I assumed my room was. She opened the door and I was met with depressing white. There was one bed, a desk, no roommate due to Mom’s request and her letter.

“Dinner will served in twenty-five minutes. I’ll have Adam get you so you can eat with the rest of the patients.” Dr. Morrigan said, and shut the door behind me. 

I made my way to the bed, a cheap mattress with cheap sheets, but a thick, blue blanket. I put my things away and Adam, a man with blond hair and brown eyes, gave me a pair of clothes (insisting that the clothes I had on didn’t follow the guidelines) and let me change. When I was done, he looked at the outfit, then at me, and walked down to the cafeteria. I sat at an isolated table and ate the soup with a plastic spoon. When it was lights out, I crawled into the coldness of my new sheets and didn’t go easily into sleep. 

The first month, I got visits from my family four times. Christmas rolled around, and only Mom came with light snow on her cheeks, sweaters wrapped around her, carrying gifts. She apologized over and over about how work had been overwhelming both her and Dad, and they hadn’t had the time to visit me. Christmas was stressful for the both of them even when I was around, so I didn’t really think much of it. Mom questioned how I was doing, what medication Dr. Morrigan put me on, and how many episodes I’ve had during my stay. 

I tell her only the short version of it: I’ve been prescribed Albiphay, my sessions with Dr. Morrigan aren’t helping me, I’ve had six episodes, the hospital is stupid and I want to go home. I asked her how long I'll stay here, and she only replied with until she sees improvement, and I can get better. Mom hands me my gifts as she walks out, kisses me on the cheek, and leaves me there with two cream-colored boxes with red bows. The first gift is a comic book from Mikey that I already owned and found out later that it was my exact copy, with the initials G.W. written on the spine. I guessed that Mikey told Mom and Dad what I would like, because in that box was a new sketchpad along with cheap paint and two brushes. I rolled the brushes between my fingers and smirked. It was obvious they had been used, simply stolen from the set I had already owned and faked to look like they were new. 

The paint was kind of them though. I walked back into our common room where only two people stayed, the T.V. blaring an episode of Full House. I sat down on my chair and put my gifts at my feet. I rested comfortably into the seat, avoiding the television. It was annoying, and it wasn't like anyone was really watching it. It only took me a few minutes before I got bored again, so I gathered up my things and began to walk back into my room before I noticed how loud it was getting because of the other patients. They were gossiping. I laughed to myself under my breath, but decided to join the others to see what was exactly going on.

A boy, I couldn't tell if he was new or not because I don't really pay attention to who leaves or who joins us, was following George with his suitcase behind him, with the biggest smile on his face. No teeth were showing, just bright pink lips. His eyelashes gently kissed below his eyes as he kept looking at the crowd, and he licked his lips once. 

It seemed as though he was scanning our crowd, bright green eyes going over our faces. When his eyes landed on me, they widened immensely. The boy quickly radiated and his face was vivid with a smile that could fracture his face. I gawked at this boy and his sudden red cheeks that I dismissed as a trick of my mind or the wintery cold outside. His smile disappeared and he broke our gaze, shuffling behind George to the other end of the hall. His body was thin and he was very short, almost meeting George's height. It was quite clear that they had him change into clothes already: a light blue shirt and sweatpants. I turned my attention away from the boy, like he really mattered, he was just another person locked up in here like the rest of us, although his expressions startled me, usually people's faces when they arrive are gray and somber. There are no smiles and only frowns. This kid was smiling though, and blushing, too. His attitude was appealing to me and I didn't even know the boy's name, but I decided not to pry, at least not yet.

When the crowd broke up boredom caught up with me again and I returned to my room and started to sketch the cup of coffee I had that morning and the way a drop of coffee clung to the plastic cup. I ran my tongue along my teeth and tried to remember how sweet it was, and how much I wished I was back home, where I could lock myself away and drink all the damned coffee I want.

Community group is extended ten minutes because patients are being kind and giving gifts to their friends. I even got a gift, which surprised me, just a broken, chewed up pencil that I tucked neatly behind my ear and thanked the older man who smiled and didn't say a word. His gift sucked, and I got rid of it after he stopped looking at me. There was no appearance of the new boy, much to my distaste. The sharing of gifts dragged on and once the clock hit 9:00 I rose out of my chair and slid past Ryan, George, and Dan. Medication was calling my name, and maybe I'll beg for sleep aid, too, so I can knock out. This day has been exhausting and it's not even lights out, yet.


	4. Chapter 4

I haven't had an episode, as Dr. Morrigan describes it, all day, so that’s good. I had the uneasy feelings that accompanied my episodes though, so I kept a wary eye out, especially since it's Christmas. There could be something in a gift box that could lead to my destruction.

Shark could easily trick me into eating the slice of cake neatly wrapped in plastic that Dr. Morrigan offered filled to the brim with poison. I still didn't trust her. Shark was probably let in by Dr. Morrigan at one point, holding an empty bottle of cyanide and laughing to himself. They wanted to kill me. Our sessions, to Dr. Morrigan's disappointment, only last ten minutes. It's not even me talking, I don't like to talk, I’m afraid if I talk the episodes will come to me in the middle of my sentences. So Dr. Morrigan talks, and talks, and I wave my hand to cut her off and leave her office. I love spending time in that chair, it is the most comfortable thing in this whole institute, but I can't stand the way she talked, like she knew me.

I placed a sleeping aid on my tongue and washed it down with room temperature water. It takes a long time to affect me and when it does, it's 10:30. My eyes drifted lazily into welcoming sleep. It's the longest rest I've had since my first day here, because I don't feel as tired as I could be when I wake up from Shelly checking on me and telling me that breakfast was in fifteen minutes.

I brushed my teeth, my hair, and changed into day clothes. I hurried down to breakfast in fear that the new kid would sit in my seat, at my table, and none of the aids would stop him. When no one was there yet besides a few of the older men, the new kid nowhere to be seen, I breathed a sigh of relief and make a decision between Cheerios, pancakes, or eggs, to which I just got Cheerios and sat down in my seat with my watery coffee. Raymond watched my weird eating habits like I was developing an eating disorder or something only because I take a few sips and only two or three bites of Cheerios.

My mind is distracted, and the coffee is shitty, and I have to keep an eye out for the new boy in case he decided to do something stupid like sit with me. That just doesn't happen.

The new boy eventually showed up and got himself a bowl of cereal, too, along with orange juice. Slowly, his green eyes searched the room, and finally his eyes landed on my table. His feet moved forward and then did I notice his goddamned cheeky smile, a slight tilt of his lips, his eyes clouded with something. 

"Can I sit here? There's n-nowhere else I can sit down." He stuttered, he had completely lost his cool the moment his lips made words. Feeling a sense of pity, I nodded, and he smiled again and pulled out a seat. I decided not to say anything to him yet, just focused on my Cheerios and cleaned up the milk that stained the table.

I stopped in the middle of putting my spoon in my mouth to notice that this kid was looking at me. I stared right on back, hard, and then his serious face finally broke and he smiled.

"I'm Frank," he introduced himself with confidence. "I saw you yesterday-" I tuned him out. His voice was just a background noise to me now. 

There, at the very far corner, was a man who definitely caught my attention. The sweater he was wearing was red, and he smiled to show shark teeth. I dropped my spoon, stood up alarmingly, and slowly started to back away. What was he doing here? Was it true that Dr. Morrigan had let him in? His laughter was easy to hear, it makes an echo on the walls. Shark walked closer and closer the more I backed away. He stopped at my table where Frank sat and was looking at me like I was wild, and Shark picked up my spoon, stirring it again and again and laughing to himself. My tongue felt sore. It was heavy and filled up my mouth and I felt faint instantly. Shark probably poisoned it, and was now getting to me, finally killing me like he had planned to.

"The HBA Organization will cover up your death, Gerard Way, it will be like you never existed." Shark uttered. Blurry dots are at the edge of my vision, and the last thing I saw was Shark's winning grin.

When I woke up, I honestly expected angels. Or maybe even demons. Instead, I had a lady sitting down checking things off on her check board and scratching her pen against paper. This lady, to my surprise, was Dr. Morrigan.

"Although you don't tell me much of what your episodes consist of, Gerard, I can tell it is something that may cause you a lot of pain. You fell and hit your head and blacked out. The doctor said you don't have a concussion or anything like that, so now that you're awake we can start our session." She stated, matter-of-factly. 

"The HBA Organization," I spat out hastily. "Shark, he said something about the HBA Organization. They'll cover up my death." Dr. Morrigan ceased and turned to look at me. I took a deep breath and continued, "I never knew why Shark was planning to kill me, but now I know that there's something behind it. An organization is planning my murder for some reason. The HBA."

I'm talking too fast to think, but when my thoughts catch up to me, I know how risky just telling Dr. Morrigan could be. And didn't I tell myself that Dr. Morrigan could be a part of Shark's plans, even a member of this organization? Even if she's not, Shark could find out what my big mouth spat out. He could come back and be successful. He could murder me and this HBA would make it seem like I never existed to anyone and never lived in this world. Dr. Morrigan helped me out of the bed.

"I want to cancel my session today," I told her urgently. Dr. Morrigan raised her eyebrows and she argued that this was important, that I needed to talk about it. "I can cancel them if I want. I already told you one thing. Work with that." Dr. Morrigan glared at me and I avoided her eyes so I wouldn't be guilt-tripped into spilling my thoughts out to her. Thoughts are dangerous things. It's best if no one knows what I'm thinking.


	5. Chapter 5

In process group, the techs teach us ways to fight off negative thoughts, and turn them into positive thoughts. Frank sits down next to me when Dan hands us an index card to write down one negative thought and five positive thoughts. I can't even think of five positive ones, so Tami instructed me to do three, and when the minutes are up, Tami calls on people to share their notes aloud. Two boys and one girl are in tears while they read their cards as they're presenting them.

The same man who got me a pencil for Christmas launched into a speech about the importance of exercise and how it brings positivity into his life until Tami cuts him off with a sugar-sweet voice and she calls him things like "sweetie" or "honey" to not make him feel bad for boring the hell out of all of us.

In reality, he was boring, and boring me to death. Frank snickered to himself when Tami collected the cards. She gave him a pointed look but kept quiet, taking his card in her hand and moving onto me. She stared at me questioningly when I crossed out most of my positive thoughts. But then again, she doesn't question it. She moves on. I felt a soft touch brush against my knuckles and turned to catch Frank in the act. He's touching my hand and running his fingers over my knuckles, where little white scars zigzagged. I gripped onto his hand and sneered at him, putting his hand down and turning my attention elsewhere. 

"It's okay," Frank said softly. "I have those too, all over." 

I sucked in my breath and forced myself to look at him, and Frank was smiling sheepishly, as if scars like that are just normal everyday things.

"What was it? A mirror?" Frank whispered, staring at my scars thoughtfully, as Tami talked to us as a group.

I grinded my teeth, stood up, and walked out of the room, absolutely thankful that hell-hour ended as fast as it did. I retreated back into my bedroom and buried myself underneath my blanket, trying to get warm before lunchtime. Frank had no right to ask such personal questions, for all I know, he could be here to hunt me down, to team up with Shark, to...kill me. But how could such a pretty face be a murderer? When George knocked on my door, I rolled over on my side and buried my head underneath my blanket and pretended to be asleep, focusing on making my breathing fall into a rhythm. To my dismay, George still had to get me up for lunch, although I would have preferred if I would have stayed in bed all day and just not face that damned boy.

George is my favorite, and I'm sure he likes me, too, so I asked if I could take a nap. George refused and told me about how Raymond had been watching my eating habits, and skipping meals isn't something I needed unless I wanted Dr. Morrigan all over my ass. I dragged my lazy feet to lunch and saw that Frank was sitting at my table all by himself, wearing an obnoxiously bright green sweater with a snowman.

When I got lunch, I scanned the cafeteria and noticed that some people were looking at me, whispering to themselves, and it had to be because of my episode. It was just like fucking high school all over again. I went to my table where Frank's eyes lit up gradually, but I ignored him the entire time. 

"You never told me your name, actually," Frank said, leaning forward, his legs spread out. "I bet a handsome face like yours has a good name, too."

I ignored him, sipping on my tea, running my fingers along the squared pattern of the table. Frank should have felt discouraged at the fact that I was ignoring him, and would continue ignoring him.

"You're really quiet sometimes. Good thing I like a tall, handsome, quiet guy." Frank giggled to himself.

I acted like he wasn't there and hoped that he'd go away, go to a different table, and surprisingly Shelly was the one who insisted Frank sit down at another table. Frank's usual creamy complexion turned rosy and he stomped away with pouty lips like a six year old boy who didn't get what he wanted. I didn’t quite like girls, although I had kissed one before, but the more Frank flirted with me, the more uncomfortable I felt. Since there was a small chance of me getting out of here anytime soon, I had grown to ignore my sexuality. Why would it matter, anyway? Not like anyone fell in love in a mental hospital.

Shelly sat down with me and looked at me harshly, her brown eyes cold and condescending. She warned me that Frank was underage, Frank didn't need his problems encouraged, and sadly I was the one Frank got the most interest from. I didn't understand what she meant, I had no idea why Frank was in here with me, or why Frank's interest was sparked in the first place. 

I'm allowed to skip my education group because I graduated high school already, so I just sleep until visitation hours. There is really no one that visits me now, even though Mom promised that they'd be here more frequently. I do go out just as Frank is engulfed by a mousy woman who is even shorter than Frank is. Her eyes are sympathetic and tear-filled. She kissed his cheek and his forehead, leaving a bloody dark red crescent behind. I assumed that this woman clutching onto him like a doll was his mother, and the tall brooding man behind them was Frank's father. His mother showed a lot of expression by the way her face changed about three times in five seconds, but his father was totally emotionless, a robot in a suit.

His grimace was burning me and piercing through. He obviously wasn't happy to be here, or even to see his son. I automatically despised him, and when Frank's mom was done being a blubbering mess, Frank just stared at his dad. 

"Dad, I didn't think you'd s-s-show up." Frank muttered something under his breath. "I didn't think you'd want to see me."

The man's face broke out into emotion: fury, rage, veins popping out of his neck and his face the color of a tomato. His hand rose to strike, and all you could hear in the small room was the echo of Frank's father's hand against Frank. I suddenly wished there was someone else in the room, it was only me, Frank, and his parents. 

"Anthony -" Frank's mom said, but was instantly cut off by the sound of soft sniffles. I started to back out of the room, careful not to make a sound, knowing I shouldn't be watching this. "Anthony please, Frank just made a mistake. He's getting the help he desperately needs. You need to realize that Derek is as much disappointed as you are feeling right now. He still thinks of Frank as his son."

Frank's dad nearly exploded. They were arguing back and forth and acting as if Frank wasn't right there, still sniffling uncontrollably, sounding close to tears. Should I have done something? That would mean getting involved, and I didn't need that, especially if it meant being around someone like Frank's father. I left the room and looked at the clock, only a few more minutes until Frank's family would get the fuck out and leave that poor kid alone. I sat down in the common room and switched on the T.V. trying to drown out any sort of noise. Benny was talking to another patient and not really paying much attention when Frank walked back in. His eyes were puffy and red, and when I got a good glimpse of him, he noticed, and smiled like nothing was wrong.

I stayed up late thinking about Frank and his stuffy eyes and his sniffling noises. A whole peak of curiosity had brimmed inside me. So many questions and no answers, and I don't think I would ever ask such personal questions to get information out of Frank like he tried to do to me. If he didn't want me to know, I wouldn't know. I was still thinking of questions, though, even if they would never leave my lips and to Frank's face directly. I had refused any kind of medication so it was hard for me to get to sleep, but once I shut off my thinking, it was easy. At 6:05, I woke up to someone at the end of my bed. They had dropped something on the floor that caused a shattering noise. Every time I blinked, the image of whoever this person was either became blurry or clear. When I was too sleepy to keep my eyes open anymore, the last I saw of him was a blurry outline. It only felt like I had slept for five minutes when Benny woke me up.

"Shower time, buddy." Benny said cheerfully.

I walked down to the shower room with Benny and a towel in my arm. I waited for everyone else to finish with their showering, and when the last person besides me, Frank, came out, he winked and put on a pouty face. I rolled my eyes as I stripped, got in, and hurriedly scrubbed my dirty scalp and all over my body. The soap felt good and smelled good on my skin. When I get out, dressed, Frank immediately makes his way over to me like he's my best friend. Why would anyone have a best friend in a mental hospital? 

"I found out your name Gerard!" he sang like a bird. "Gerard, do you think I'm cute?" He begged with his eyes for me to answer, but I refused. I was unsure of Frank, he seemed completely unfazed by the catastrophe that had happened yesterday. Maybe he was used to it. Frank waited for me to respond as I walked down the hall and almost to my room. "Come on, Gerard, do you think I'm cute?" Frank couldn't even pronounce my name right at all, I walked to my door and opened it, slamming it in his face to show that he meant nothing to me. It was a few minutes and I was sure he had left, but when I reopened the door he was standing there with thick tears going down his face.

"I-I just want you to like me, Gerard! You're my only friend here!" Frank sounded miserable, and I just stared at him for a little while as he breathed. "Don't you like me?" I waited a moment then when his eyes were determined, I nodded. He annoyed me but it was just the way he was, I didn't like much people, but if it made him happy, I would tell him I liked him. Frank's eyes were illuminating and shining with happiness. "I like you too, Gerard!" he laughed. "I'm relieved. I don't want my only friend to dislike me." Frank walked back and said, "We should hang out, Gerard. I hear we can go outside sometimes." Frank looked genuinely blissful as he walked back.

I shook my head and went into my bed, sketching Frank's eyes into my paper and deciding how I should use the green colored pencil, or if they were a different shade of green.


	6. Chapter 6

Dinner was cheap, cardboard pizza, and the patients’ spirits were high tonight. They are talking as they eat, small smiles on their faces, happy for the rare treat. Frank was late to dinner and I saw the purple rings worn around his eyes. He just looked fine earlier, but now his stress was clear for everyone to see. Frank grabbed a plate of the pizza, milk, and an apple. This food oddly reminded me of my years when I was in elementary school. I poked at the grease and decided to dab it with my napkin so I wouldn't deal with stomach pains later.

A good deal of time had passed when I realized that Frank wasn't at my table. I forced myself to keep focusing on my dinner. If Frank didn't want to sit down and eat with me anymore, then good, I didn't need a child obsessing over me and trying to be my friend. I finished my dinner and walked to dispose of my utensils and my tray. When I returned back to my table, Frank stalked up slyly. pulling out a seat for himself. I looked at him, waiting for something to come out of his mouth, but I wanted him to leave all together. Before I made a stupid mistake like talk to him, I got up early and headed over to the common room until it's 6:50, and then go to the room to finish my community group. I made a goal today that I would eat everything from breakfast to dinner. We are all forced to share our goals, so I made them as dumb as possible so I can get some kind of amusement. Also, we're forced to give the person who shared aloud an applause. 

"Earlier today, I set a goal to make a friend. Fortunately, I have accomplished said goal." Frank stole a glance at me and winked, pointy white teeth poking out from underneath his lips.

Did he really say he wanted a friend earlier that day? I must not have listened to him, or anyone, but now I was interested. Frank beamed as others applauded for him, even though just minutes ago he kept tugging at his cuffs on the hoodie he had on. The last person is me, where Tanya, a lady with pencils in her hair pressed for information and if I met my goals or not. I usually just gave her a routine answer: I met my goals of eating all my meals. Her eyes drooped as she looked between Frank and I, probably expecting me to say something about Frank, and how he was my new found friend. I wouldn't give Tanya that satisfaction.

Tanya finished up our community group saying how wonderful the session was and how wonderful and special each and everyone of us are. She spewed the regular bullshit. It was something I heard thousands of times before being stuck here for who knows how long. I didn't really keep track of time. I just knew that everyone basically was happy that the New Years' Eve was approaching rapidly, it was nearly around the corner. To me, it was another basic day, except people talked a lot more and smiled more. I walked out of the room as Tanya dismissed us with a smile and a hand gesture. Frank jogged over to me and we walked together, waiting in line for our nightly meds.

Minutes ticked by. 

"I think we should go directly into the common room. One night of no meds won't kill us, right?" Frank leaned forward and whispered.

I shivered when Frank's breath found my ear, and slowly walked past people in the line and into the common room. A girl was already sitting in the chair that Frank usually sat in, a fair-skinned, skinny girl, Mercedes, who was trying to hide herself in her baggy sweatpants and her large shirts. Mercedes never really caught my attention, not really, she just seemed too obsessed over something that the real life never was real to her.

Frank walked over to the table with a pack of opened playing cards. He played with them in his fingers for a minute and kept looking at me like he wanted to ask me something. Frank never did, though. He placed the cards down on the table and joined the seat next to mine. We watched reruns of American Idol until Frank fell asleep early, curled into himself in the love seat, his chest rising up and down evenly. I got up from my seat and informed Benny that Frank was asleep and I didn't have the heart to wake him up. I needed him to do it for me. I went to my own room as Benny started toward him and waited under my covers.

George stopped by and urged me into Dr. Morrigan's office, where she sat with a scowl painted on her face. I rolled my eyes at her stupid dumb sessions, especially during this time. Why was I even in here? There was not a single episode today. I sat down and slumped, crossing my arms and giving back the best scowl I could muster. Her lips started moving, but I couldn't hear her noise. I kept paying attention to the little details in her face: the wrinkles, the tiny scar above her eyebrow, the way her fingernails were, the white clip placed in her hair. 

"Gerard!" she snapped, knowing I wasn't really focusing. It was only Dr. Morrigan who could really notice that, and some of the aids, too. "Gerard, have you even been listening to what I've been telling you? This is important. I expect you to listen." I looked straight at her and sighed, annoyed. "Sandra told me that both Frank and you did not take your medication tonight. That is a very dangerous thing, and could lead to more episodes for you, Gerard. Not to include the huge impact it will have on Frank, as well." 

Dr. Morrigan ranted for a minute, and her words finally registered.

"I shouldn't be the one you're yelling at. I wasn't the one who suggested we skip taking the medication. It was Frank's doing, and so I believe that Frank is the one who should have to deal with you. There isn't much I can do about this situation, sometimes I just skip taking meds, and you know that. It happens. Blame Frank for this, and leave me out of it. I'm tired and I need to go to bed." I said this and the more I talked, the more infuriated I became. I was very sleepy, I needed rest desperately and yet Dr. Morrigan decided to lecture me about the importance of Frank and his meds. 

"I can't bother Frank about this now, but I will tomorrow during his session. And Gerard, don't give me this and don't act like this isn't partially your fault, too. You shouldn't let Frank do that to you. You're eighteen, Gerard, you don't have to listen to him. Now, I have your medication here with me, and I'd suggest you take it. You may experience your hallucinations vividly again, like the ones you had before your arrival here." She said, showing me the pills I’d grown so accustomed to.

I rubbed my thumb against my knuckles without much thought. I felt the small lines and the way the skin rose out to make the scar more noticeable. I shook my head, refusing the medication. I was fine, really, and it wasn't like the medication actually helped my state of mind. Dr. Morrigan made a click with her tongue, resting her palms on her desk and sighing audibly. She dismissed me when the shrill voice of the unenthusiastic nurse gave the same announcement of lights out. I hurriedly found my way to my bed and was grateful suddenly to be under those covers and feel the hardness of the mattress beneath me. 

Frank greeted me in the morning with his milk and a bowl of Corn Flakes. There was just a small curl of his lip when I sat down beside him. It was an interesting routine between the two of us. When I looked at Frank, really looked at him and studied his features, I realized he had to have done something different with the way he brought himself up. Was he wearing makeup? It seemed that way, although makeup was technically prohibited. Well, whatever it was, it did look nice on him. My memory returned to last night and the way Dr. Morrigan had bothered me even if it wasn't my problem.

I decided to ignore him and eat hurriedly. Shelly called for activity time outside. The four main aids monitored us while we enjoyed the sun and the grass beneath our feet. Frank followed me around like a lost puppy, grasping any sort of attention I could give to him. No, because of him, Dr. Morrigan gave me trouble. The air had finally warmed up and there was no more snow, just the chill. I sat down and decided to start plucking on the grass, the blades tucked into the cracks of my fingers. Frank sat down next to me and held onto his knees while I did this and waited for outside time to be over. It wasn't something I was fond of.

"I really need a fucking cigarette," Frank muttered. "Gerard, do you smoke?" He asked me, nudging the edge of his slipper against my knee. I shook my head no, I didn't smoke anymore. Frank was quiet for a minute and then said, "Derek, my mom's boyfriend basically got me addicted. Maybe if I stay here long enough my cravings will go away." There was that name again. I only heard it once, but never figured out who it could have been. Finally, I knew. It was his mom's boyfriend, the Derek who still thought of him as a son even if he did something that I still didn't know about. I didn't dig Frank open for an explanation. 

During the first five minutes of community group, Mercedes had a break down. Dr. Morrigan had to help calm her. She had touched her stomach and screamed about how fat she was, and had small clumps of her hair in her fists. I'm messed up when I say this but because of her, I am grateful that community group ended early. When Frank walked beside me, his teeth were clenched. He seemed pretty irritated over something that I couldn't identify the source of. It was the way Frank's eyes burned when he looked at Mercedes again, and it was like Frank was pissed because Mercedes had her break down.

It didn't matter though. In five minutes, Frank was his cheery self again, smiling with me and trodding behind me closely.

"Be careful," I warned him as Shelly eyed us with the strongest glare I've ever gotten. It's like Shelly is more protective over Frank than anyone else. Dr. Morrigan told me that Shelly had a son, about Frank's age, but it wasn't like Shelly never saw her own son. I couldn't make out why Frank was so important to her. "Shelly is looking at you again," I explained. "She's always staring at you." Frank stared right back, smiling, his lips glistening with saliva; I wondered what was going through his head. Shelly finally looked away, tucking her white hair behind her ears and looking down, completely flustered. What was that all about? I walked over to Shelly and passed her, making my way into the common room.

A new doctor accompanied Dr. Morrigan and I was completely convinced that he was Adolf Hitler, reincarnated. He called everyone who is assigned to Dr. Morrigan "teacup" which is pretty aggravating for me. He sat in the back of the room quietly with a clipboard and glasses drooping down his nose. He had a scruffy chin and asked random questions that don't really matter even when Dr. Morrigan is lecturing.

But Dr. Morrigan takes it, nodding like his nonsense actually does make sense. His name is Dr. Alfons, and he has a tattoo of a circle with a star and a slash through it on the inside of his wrist. I'm sure I'm the only person who notices it, Dr. Morrigan never says a word about it. But I do. I am also convinced he is the head of the HBA, the way he smirks at me almost every time we have our session. He has a secret that I don't know and it makes me uneasy. The conspiracy of Dr. Morrigan, Dr. Alfons, Shark, and the whole HBA organization is slowly making itself real, and I don't know whether to boast about it or cower away in the corner like a child. Either way, if Dr. Alfons in the HBA leader, I can question him somehow. I needed to figure out a way to get him alone. If both these doctors found out that I was on to them, I wouldn't be able to take them. 

If I could get Dr. Alfons isolated from the rest, I might be able to take him and get away from him and get someone, the police, whoever could help me.

Frank looked pretty pissed when he came out of Dr. Morrigan's office. I understand why, that damn teacup nickname is too much. Frank and I hardly talk, yet we've communicated through the slight laughs under our breaths, the nods, even the silence holds a quiet meaning. I waited for his session to finish and walked down to lunch with him. I grabbed a mushy, bruised apple and placed it along my tray with my plastic-wrapped sandwich. Dr. Alfons is walking around with his clipboard gnawing on his pen. I hope the ink spills out and gives him poisoning so he won't bother us anymore. Every time Dr. Alfons raised his arm, the ink on his inner wrist was exposed, and it made me choke down my lunch every time. Could this really be the man? The man behind Shark, the man behind Dr. Morrigan? When he looked straight through me, I forced myself to look away and at Frank.

"Gerard, why are you staring at me? Am I really that cute?" He really does have the perfection of a model, honestly, I think he would be amazing. He's beautiful in the way that boys are actually beautiful. Frank smiled before laughing himself silly. 

"You're beautiful, Frank," I answered nonchalantly. "You really are attractive when I get to actually see you. Even with your eyes and the way the rims around them are purple, you’re handsome." He blushed, rubbed his eyes immediately, and looked down.

"You look tired all the time." I noted. "I think you need some sleep tonight." Frank nodded, and sighed before putting his head down on the table. He's beaten, for whatever reason. I don't think I've ever seen him this tired before. Frank finished his lunch in silence and walked to another table, leaving me to stare after him. I had just given him advice, and I'm not sure if it helped him, really, just that I didn't see him for the rest of the day. When I asked Shelly, she didn't answer me, so I asked George. He told me that Frank was sleeping, and I smiled as I walked into Dr. Morrigan's office and waited for her to arrive. Dr. Morrigan trusts me to be alone in her office, and so she didn't really think much of it. 

"What are you doing in here, Gerard? You're supposed to wait outside in the room just like all of the other patients." Dr. Alfons stated, taking a seat in Dr. Morrigan's chair which made me cringe. Dr. Alfons waited for me to respond but I didn't give him that, so instead he sighed, deeply. "Dr. Morrigan left earlier today because of personal family problems. She didn't want to cancel on you, so I'll be your main doctor today." I scowled and looked down at my feet. 

"I don't like you," I told him. "I want to cancel my session today. I will wait until tomorrow when Dr. Morrigan gets back." Dr. Alfons snorted. Instead he sat there comfortably, his pen pulled from on his ear, and there he sat, ready to attack me with useless questions. I stood up, and he motioned me to sit down which I declined. I went to the door but Dr. Alfons was up in a minute, giving me a death-grip on my wrist and pulling me back. There, he told me to sit down and insisted that Dr. Morrigan didn't want us to cancel.

"I want to talk to you about your imaginary friends." Dr. Alfons' eyes sparked, the curiosity in them drowning me. "Dr. Morrigan told me about your condition and the way you're handling it. They're out to kill you, she told me. Imaginary friends don't do that, Gerard. You better stop while you're ahead and keep taking your medication. You don't know what you're getting into, teacup." Dr. Alfons thought of Shark as a figure of my imagination. I had to figure out his plan; he was trying to convince me to take my pills to get me numb, to not expect their attacks. I wouldn't fall for their dirty tricks and I wouldn't do this. I opened the door before Dr. Alfons could piss me off again and slammed it shut, where Frank jumped unexpectedly. 

His fear showed through his eyes. When Frank saw that it was me, he relaxed and I sat down beside him. Frank decided to be nice and bumped his own knee against mine in an attempt to make me smile, which I nearly did until I remembered the conversation that happened merely minutes ago.

Frank stopped with his failed pursuit and just followed me into my room. Benny allowed this, but as long as the door remained open. Frank sat on the edge of my bed like a completely polite boy with his hands in his lap and no words. It was like he was being invited into my home for the first time. 

"Gerard, will you move into my room? So we can be roommates?" Frank asked, so, so quietly that I had to strain to hear his voice. I refused to answer him and his spirit was broken in the way his eyes lost the light. I was alone. I needed to be alone. Even Mom requested that I'd be alone, and as my thoughts ran over to Mom, I counted how long it'd been since my parents had come to see me. 

They could at least tell me how long until I got out of this hell. I checked the mini calendar in my room that Dr. Morrigan had pinned up herself the first day that I came here. It was nearly February, and the last time Mom visited, it was Christmas. I didn't feel any sadness, I just pitied my poor existence. What kind of parents wouldn't see their own first-born in a damn mental hospital? I could understand, it would take my father a lot of convincing. Frank swung his legs over and over and then changed the subject to get his spirit up.

"Don't you hate Dr. Alfons? He's awful.”

"I was alone with him. Dr. Morrigan left early and I can't even say anything to him or have him say anything to me without getting pissed off." Frank seemed happy that he had gotten a response out of me. "I hate that man," I spoke clearly and proudly and Frank laughed. "He's a part of the HBA, after all," I muttered under my breath. "There's a thousand reasons to hate the guy."

I got up and picked off hair that clung to the sweatpants and started out of my room and into the room with the TV. Even if it was useless to have around, it did help me forget about things for a while. Shelly called for activities outside and I sat down on the grass beneath the tree, it was still quite cold out, even with the sun. Winter never really left when it was supposed to. The gray walls were soon accompanied by a black cat. It meowed and sat, its tail whishing furiously from side to side and every meow it made it echoed. It stared at me with taunting green eyes as it bathed in the warm sun. Frank sat down next to me and I pointed to the cat.

"He's pretty weird, isn't he? No cats are found around here usually." Frank stared at where my finger was, but looked oddly confused, like he was staring at thin air.

Unfortunately, the cat had jumped back down and escaped from this prison. I sighed and shook my head, I had just wanted Frank to smile at the way the cat had been so peaceful with the way it soaked up the warmth. It was a cat, I explained, I thought it would make you happy. I realized that my explanation sounded dumb, and it made me sound like an idiot, which I wasn't. Frank smiled softly and rubbed his cheeks with his palms, the rosy tint clearly visible to me and everyone else. I felt an odd sense of wetness the longer I sat down, and when I got up, my fears were met. The grass, not being completely dry, had left a giant wet spot on my sweatpants. Frank laughed at me which filled me with a strong feeling that only increased as I told Frank, while laughing, that he had a big wet spot, too. We walked back inside and parted ways to change out of our clothing and then Frank walked back to my room with a new pair of sweats on.

"We're friends, aren't we, Gerard?" Frank asked shyly. "You're my friend. I mean, you're the only one I talk to besides doctors and workers and nurses, and some people I'm forced to speak with during group sessions." I nodded, yeah, I could say that. Frank was my friend, and I never really had any friends beside Mikey, so Frank was my friend. But if we weren’t stuck in here, he wouldn’t be my friend.

There were still twenty minutes of time for us to be outside, which Frank urged us to go back out again. He had this mixed look of determination and fear on his face, and it looked like the eagerness was going to spill out in any second. He even touched my hand, and my palms were sweaty, but he stilled tugged me forward. I decided not to be an ass and hurried along with him. When we got outside, he walked us over to a more isolated area where the aids wouldn't bother to look. And even if they did care, they trusted me, so they would allow me to be over there. Frank turned around to gaze at me with green, hopeful filled eyes.

"Gerard, G-Gerard, I need to tell you s-something important. H-How I got stuck i-in here i-is pretty messed up. I'm messed up." His voice suddenly started shaking as he whispered. "I h-have a dis-disorder. Histrionic P-Per-Personality Disorder."

I doubted that whatever his disorder was didn’t make him messed up, he was just a kid, and Frank obviously didn't seem messed up. He was just a normal kid who got locked in here because his parents thought something would fix him for whatever reason.

Hiccups forced their way out Frank's throat, and he refused to look at me now, but when I stepped forward and touched him, his eyes pierced through me. Thick heavy tears leaked through his eyes and down his cheeks. Oh, no, I couldn't let him cry. I was always awkward when other people cried. What did I do? How do I comfort him? I touched his moist cheek and almost said to him that he didn't have to say anything else, but he continued, the brokenness in his voice audible.

"Because of i-it, I'm h-here. I'm s-stuck in here and D-Derek h-hates me!" Ah, there was that name again, that name I wanted to ask Frank about every time it was mentioned. The stepfather. His lips trembled as he finally blurted it out, "I tried to seduce my step-father, D-Derek."

"There you two are. It's time to come back in." Benny peeked out from behind the building and interrupted us.

Frank looked up, no more tears on his face, and he forced himself to put on this charming smile to fool Benny, and it almost fooled me, too. As Benny left, I squeezed Frank's hand and we walked back together hand-in-hand. Only when Shelly glared was when I let go, even if I didn't want to. They had a rule about that, that there shouldn't be any direct contact between patient/patient, doctor/patient, worker/patient. I smirked as I thought about Dr. Alfons. I guessed I should tell Dr. Morrigan and get that evil, evil man in trouble. Maybe they'll kick him out or send him on a catapult far far away from here. That was just a suggestion though, I'd be satisfied if they just got him far, far away.

Sadly, I didn't see Dr. Morrigan for the day, and I didn't have the balls to tell Benny or George, they wouldn't help. I just had to stay here and focus on Frank right now, and his thoughts, and now I understand, even if I've never heard of the disorder before. I know why he's here and it hurts seeing the pain in his eyes, like he's ashamed, and he really doesn't need to be ashamed. When Frank admitted, he looked at me like he was afraid that I wouldn't be his friend anymore.

All Frank needs is a friend, and knowing this isn't going to change any feeling I have for him.


	7. Chapter 7

Frank swapped his coffee for my tea during dinner. I didn't complain, drinking the coffee with gratitude. Coffee was my life, pretty much. Shark showed up, and it sent me into a full-blown panic attack. Shark laughed when he saw Frank. I nearly threw myself at Frank and landed on top of him. I wouldn't dare let Shark touch Frank or kill him like he had tried to do with my parents. Shark left with the gun cocked in his hand. 

"You're a lucky boy, Gerard, the HBA thinks of you as valuable. You won't die, not yet. We need you." Shark grinned, and slowly walked away. Frank's concerned voice shook me out of my stare. I looked at him, my body completely covering his, and got up. I apologized, but he just smiled at me, like it was totally normal. Frank obviously wasn't freaked out about this as I had expected him to, like everyone else had freaked out, but Frank took it well. I was surprised. Dr. Morrigan decided to talk about my attitude regarding Dr. Alfons. I scowled and told her that I despised him and didn't want to ever talk to him and Dr. Morrigan told me I was being childish and that having him around wasn't the end of the world.

"Gerard," she said. "I've noticed that you're growing quite fond of Frank. Is this true?"

We talked about my episode today, and if I had been taking my nightly meds and maybe I needed to be checked out again, and other stuff I didn't care to understand. 

"Yes," I replied. "He's my friend and I want to help him in any way that I possibly can." Dr. Morrigan looked down at her fingers, and I noticed how tired she seemed. What that personal situation was that let her off work for the day must have really taken a toll on her. "I'm the only person he has," I told her honestly. "He doesn't have any friends. He follows me around all the time like a dog. It's kind of cute."

Dr. Morrigan tried to hide the smile, but I noticed it. Just the small hint of her lips moving up, but still a smile. As soon as the smile came, it disappeared.

"Did Frank tell you what happened to him? Did you ask him?" I shook my head and lied. "Gerard," Dr. Morrigan said solemnly. "Gerard, don't lie to me. I can tell when you're lying." Oh, yeah, she can. The theory of her being part of the HBA Organization is starting to be more believable. It's like she can read my mind. And it kind of scares me. Maybe if I took my meds it would be easier to think clearly, or not think clearly. The pills just make me numb. They make me forget about the HBA, and they make me think differently. 

"Yeah, I didn't ask, he told me that he tried to get his step-dad to have sex with him." I just told her straight up. It wasn't worth just trying to hide what I already knew, especially from Dr. Morrigan, who would probably come into my room at night and try to dig out the truth from my brain with the cafeteria spoon. Dr. Morrigan sighed and straightened back her hair, which I realized was down in extreme curls and usually it was straight. 

"Frank is very sick, and he needs help and support," Dr. Morrigan told me. "Considering that you're his only friend, I believe that most of the support he needs can come from you. I think it'll mean more." I nodded, completely getting where she was going to. "It's not something he can really help. What's happened to him is done and there's nothing he can do besides accept the help and take medication and hopefully we'll see his improvement." I remembered the way Frank had looked as his father struck him. "Frank is completely heartbroken over the fact that his mother's orders are for Derek to never see Frank here. I've talked to him a few times during this situation and Derek still really cares for Frank."

"Have you ever really asked Frank about if he wanted to see Derek?" I asked.

Dr. Morrigan shook her head, and then changed her tone. "Okay, Gerard, I shouldn't be discussing other patients with you even if you want to help Frank. This is my advice: Just be there for him and help him through things if he asks you to." Yeah, I could do that for Frank. I would do whatever it took to make him feel better because God knows I can't handle him when he's sad.

"Dr. Alfons harmed me and kept me here to talk about the HBA against my consent. He's just curious, he doesn't care unless it's for his amusement." I dismissed myself early. Dr. Morrigan tried to get a word in but I closed the door on her and waited for her to open it and stop me, but she didn't. Frank was waiting with a new smile on his face, a smile that illuminated, a genuine one. It was the first smile I saw, seeing that Frank had slept and skipped breakfast. But the smile was nice to see. It was a good change, like something new had happened to Frank over the short period of the night. Instead of being the fake smile Frank, his smile was now real. Ah yes, a new month was beginning, and Frank seemed to be changing. March was approaching.

At dinner, they gave out the cardboard pizza that they usually brought out on Friday. I poked at it with my fork, the sauce drizzling over the greasy crust and cheese and on the plate, staining it pizza red. I ate it gingerly and hope my stomach didn’'t betray me in the middle of the night. The grease is likely to cause pains like last time. 

"Gerard," Frank said, smiling cheekily. "I've asked Dr. Morrigan if I can be your roommate. She said it might be a good idea." Of course she would, she would without me. Well, if it made Frank smile like that, and if that's what made him happy before, then I might just agree if Dr. Morrigan 100% allowed it. I think everyone here, even if I never had the chance to actually talk to them, are pretty crazy, but Frank is just sick. And I'll help him. While Frank and I were busy doing our activities and having breakfast, lunch, and our dinner, we were both entirely unaware of what was happening in my room. That night as Frank trudged off to bed, he came back into my room.

"My bed's been moved!" When he saw the new bed next to mine, he grinned. "I knew Dr. Morrigan would allow it." He was no longer tired, and he kept tossing and turning over and every time he caught eye with me he smiled. "It's nice seeing someone else in here. I was really lonely in my room, Gerard. I s'pose they'll add more beds for someone else." I laid my head down on the pillow and turned so my body was facing his. There was still plenty of space between our two beds, but it felt nice knowing he was there. If Frank was there, maybe Shark would stop messing with my head, always coming in and standing there, just his shadow, staring me down. I was grateful that he was my roommate, too, I had been incredibly lonely.

I woke up tired, staring at the window and looking for any sign of light. Usually, in the morning, there would be this crack of light shining through and it would hurt my eyes, but there was no light. It was still dark outside and so dark that I barely could see anything in the room. I decided that I wouldn't be able to get any sleep and just laid there in my bed. When the soft sniffles erupted, seeming to grow louder every minute, I looked over at Frank and with the small light that was beginning to show, noticed his fetal position. He was trying to keep quiet, but I knew that his weakness was showing. I got up quietly, on tip-toe, and shuffled with bare cold feet on the carpet. I leaned down and touched his hair.

"Frank?" I whispered. "Frank, what's wrong?" Frank looked up and moved closer to the side of the wall. 

"Gerard?" he mumbled. "Will you sleep with me? Just...stay here until we both get up?" I froze up, unsure of what to do. Frank was definitely half-asleep, and so if I didn't lay with him, he wouldn't really notice. Should I do it? Yes. No. I waited until Frank was sleeping again and returned to my bed, facing away from him. "Okay," he whispered. "I understand."

The guilt ate at me until George's familiar knocking dropped me out of the daze. I got up, dressed myself and walked down to breakfast. The tiredness in my eyes was clear. Frank took a few minutes to get ready, but eventually joins me. I sit at the table and accidentally brushed my hand against his reaching for the styrofoam cup filled with the brown liquid that kept me sane. When his hand touched mine, I got small, small feeling, a spark, in my stomach. It was hardly noticeable, but it was there, and once I fumbled to get the cup and ignored Frank's fingers and the way they felt, it went away. The thing is though that it was really there, small and secretive.

"Um, Gerard. Gerard? Do you really like your eggs that salty?"

I paused myself and looked at the packet of the salt that was opened midway and looked down at my eggs, a mountain of white crystals piling on and on. I scowled and took off small bites at the edges, avoiding the salt. It tasted bland. Frank laughed while I finished breakfast and walked off to my session with Dr. Morrigan. When she's not there, I'm scared that Dr. Alfons will walk in with that snarky attitude and the grin, but Dr. Morrigan's coffee cup that she sometimes bring in is filled with coffee, and when I put my pinky finger next to it, it's still warm, and a bloody crescent of lipstick is left on the rim. She must have went out for a second, then she'll be right back. She's wearing a coat when she comes in, her hair in braids. She hummed to herself as she avoided me for a minute, writing things down on her notepad and taking my file.

"It looks like there's a storm coming," she told me. "Might want to be careful when you and Frank sit outside." Dr. Morrigan was practically beaming. "Raymond made a note that you didn't really eat the breakfast that Chester made." Dr. Morrigan waited for me to say something, but there isn't much I can say. Too much salt. It wasn't that big of a deal. "Gerard, I'd like to start you on something new, something fresh. I think it will be more beneficial to you. It's called Melezophone. We'd like to test it on you and see if it will help you rather than your old medication." 

I shrugged, it wasn't really a big deal. They could fill me up with as many red, yellow, orange, blue colored crazy seeds and candies and experiment as much as they wanted to, it still wouldn't let Shark go away, or the whole concept of the HBA. I could place as many candies as I wanted onto my tongue and wait for the powder to go into my system and it wouldn't work.

The whole hour goes by in flashes, as that's how I really remember episodes now, like flashes on a camera, and they move like a slideshow.

Flash! Frank sitting with me on the grass, the sky gray and murky, clouds rolling over and over onto one another. 

Flash! The first sight of the blimp, black with red lettering, the computer words moving across the screen: The HBA Organization wants you to be a part of our project, Gerard Way!

Flash! The opening of the blimp exposes something, a bomb.

Flash! The crack sound like a whip spreading everywhere as I covered my ears, with tears falling freely from my eyes too fast I can't stop them, and Frank's worried eyes as he screamed in slow-motion.

Mom visited because she was anxious. When I saw her, after months, I took her in. Her eyes were tired, the wrinkles around her face were more noticeable, the way her lipstick was smeared around the edges, dark, dark red. She kissed me on the cheek with cool lips from the iced chai that she had before. They made her throw it out, though. When Mom looked at me, she really looked, probably looking at my features too, even if I didn't think I changed much. 

"I hope you're doing okay, Gerard. That new medication they'll start you on...it will help you be better. We just can't have you here until you're completely better. Dr. Morrigan says you may cause harm to others if you can't control your own thoughts."

"I'm not making these things up," I said boldly. "I'm really not." Mom just looked at me with those pitiful eyes and shook her head, touching my hand with hers. 

"You are, Gerard. It's all in your head. You just need proper medication."

"Will you visit me more, Mom? And bring Mikey, too, I need him to make me catch up on comic books." Mom nodded thoughtfully and smiled at me. "It's been months. I need to know what happens." I explained. I just needed to not let Mom think that I may end up killing someone, which I would never do. I wasn't a murderer. The HBA's Organization was a whole group of murderers and no one seemed to care, but I did. Mom wouldn't understand though. "I really, really miss him. Mikey."

"He misses you too," Mom said slowly. "It's quite lonely around the house without you, and Mikey wants someone to talk to. You know those older boys who come over? Brian and Bob? They're...obnoxious, sometimes. But Mikey likes hanging out with them."

I can see the image of Mikey, Brian, and Bob, his only friends, sitting and eating or playing video games. I smiled at that image while Mom said goodbye. I made her promise me that Mikey would be able to visit soon. When I'm allowed to leave, Frank is sitting down against the wall, looking up at me with his eyes, I still wasn't completely sure if I had been the one to make him scream or the lightning itself, shooting light across the gray sky. Frank gets up when I started to move past him. Frank had seen me cry and I was ashamed, I hardly cried during my episodes, and I definitely wouldn't want Frank seeing me like that, but he already did. I looked at the outside, the sidewalk soaked dark from the rain that fell, hitting against the room. I silently wished it was winter still, the snow was thick and piled up heavily, so I could bury myself under a nice cold snow blanket and sleep for thirty years so everyone would forget the crying face of Gerard Way. No one needed to see that.

Frank licked his lips, afraid to say anything. He followed me around like he usually did but two steps behind instead. I looked behind me and when he got eye contact with me he froze and looked back down.

"Why are you doing that? Like you're afraid to look at me?" Frank mumbled something incoherent and left me confused, so I asked again, louder, "Why aren't you looking at me, Frank?"

"Are you mad at me?" Frank asked quietly. "Because I saw you cry?" The more I saw the real Frank and how sad he really seemed to be, the cocky boy I met months ago seemed to have never existed. I shook my head and explained that it was my fault I even did something so foolish. Frank smiled when I said that and moved to my side and we walked to lunch together. He ate it feverishly, I noticed. Raymond has to tell him to slow down and savor the flavor. 

It wasn't that hard sneaking into the office, really. It just came to me while the other aids weren't looking, and my palms were extremely sweaty. It took me a few minutes to jiggle with the doorknob until I could fully let myself in. I had to be quick about it. If Shelly caught me, Dr. Morrigan would give me hell in the worst possible way and that wasn't what I needed. I opened up the file cabinet and just skipped over the files with my fingers, skimming them quietly, quickly, tilting my head a little tiny bit to secure Frank's file. It was my hands now, and the more I think, the more it comes that I shouldn't be doing this. But it's too late, the very tip of Frank's papers poke out from the file and my eyes scanned them. I set them on top of the desk and sit down and bring myself to read very, very quickly.

Frank Anthony Iero Jr.   
Birthdate: October 31st, 1981.  
Pre-existing conditions - bronchitis, ear infections  
Diagnosis - Histrionic Personality Disorder (depression, anxiety associated with HPD)  
Date admitted: December 23rd, 2002.  
Doctor assigned: Dr. Laine Morrigan  
Treatment: Gytezole

As I've been studying Frank the moment he came to our facility, it would seem as though he was just a regular child - but this is not the case. He has grown a liking to patient Gerard Way, and over the days has been responding fairly well to Gytezole.

Frank was admitted because of his existing condition, Histrionic Personality Disorder. The first few months before his admittance, Frank's parents were recently divorced. Months after the divorce, Linda married Frank's stepfather, Derek. Frank and his stepfather hit it off incredibly well to Linda's surprise, and so Linda figured out that the divorce wasn't hard on Frank.

It was times that Linda quoted, "Frank's abnormal and quite provocative behavior" around his stepfather weeks after the second marriage. It was that night that Linda had worked odd hours and when she came home that night, Frank was trying to get Derek to touch him inappropriately with hardly any clothing on. Frank had a meltdown that night and disappeared for two days, then came home with blood-stained clothing. 

"He was a mess," stated Derek, "Frank had self-harmed and then did Linda and I start talking about getting a proper diagnosis on our son."

Frank's father, Anthony, who hardly talked to Frank or contacted Linda in any way picked up the call from Linda that same night, asking for money to send Frank to the hospital. Linda explained what Frank had tried to do with Derek and they fought all night. I asked Frank how that had made him felt, and once that question was said, Frank lost his cool, and looked quiet and somber while he stated, "He called me a dirty fag and told me that I wasn't his son anymore when he asked to talk to me. He said that I hoped I was locked up in the hospital for a long time until I could finally get some damned help and fix this."

Our sessions mainly focus on Linda and Anthony, as I've been too afraid of Frank's reaction if I bring up his stepfather. I am not sure if Frank is ready to talk about him, or even have him visit for a short time. As I get to know Frank more, however, he seems to grow every day and continue responding positively towards Gytezole. I'm curious as to if this is with the previously stated patient and the way he's affected Frank. All I hope is for Frank to be able to act appropriately with his condition.

Medication 2.0 - Zoltfrume  
Day 1: March 1st, 2003.

 

I slipped the file back in, my brain filled with new information about Frank. Frank Anthony Iero. His father's name, though dim, was very easy to understand now. There were other things that I understood now, too, but my guilty thoughts traced over and over again. What if Frank had read my file? He would think I was crazy, and I really wasn't.

"I read Frank's file. I know the whole story now." Dr. Morrigan's fingers had been busy holding a real metal spoon, stirring creamer into her coffee, when she paused. She took in a breath slow and steadily, then it seemed as though minutes passed when she looked up.

"Gerard! That is unacceptable!" "Those files are confidential, Gerard. They are only for Dr. Morrigan, Frank, and I to see. Not any of the curious patients. How did you even get into the room?" I ignored him, looking straight at Dr. Morrigan.

"I'm talking to my therapist," I growled. "Dr. Morrigan, I would just like to speak with you privately, without Dr. Alfons." Dr. Alfons scoffed, but Dr. Morrigan allowed it. I smirked as he walked out, red in the face. "I'm sorry and I feel guilty that I looked into Frank's file, but I needed to understand. There isn't much in there, though. Frank told me what he did, and what he had. I just found the explanation of it." Dr. Morrigan sighed and rested her head in her hands, massaging her temples.

"That's a rotten thing to do, Gerard. Even for you. Why didn't you just ask Frank more about what got him in here. It's nothing for Frank to be ashamed of."

"I know that," I seethed. "I was just afraid of hurting him. I don't know if you can tell, really, but he's fragile and there's something up with him. Not really him to blame, just his parents. When they visited, I wanted to hurt his father, I really did. He pissed me off." Dr. Morrigan leaned in, concerned, for who? Frank, his father, or me? She looked pretty mad, too, probably because I used a curse word. In the group, we had a day for words we could use instead of harmful ones like 'fuck' and 'shit' and 'hell'. There were nicer words I could have thought of, but none came to me. 

"Frank trusts you. He's your friend. Although I highly do not recommend it, if you want to know, you can find out from him. The things Frank and I talk about during our sessions are private and not for other patient's ears." Dr. Morrigan said softly.

I licked my lips and nodded. I couldn't get information from Dr. Morrigan, but I could for Frank, and if he didn't want to tell me anything then of course I would let it go. It was Frank's secrets and Frank's problems and no matter how much I secretly wanted to help him, if he did not want my help, I wouldn't give it to him. I wanted whatever made Frank happy, and would never make him sad, especially like the day his parents visited, the haunting images of Frank's cheek turning red from his father's slap, and the slow sniffling sounds that erupted from Frank himself.


	8. Chapter 8

I walked out, rubbing the knuckles until I could no longer tell between the tiny scars or the regular skin and Frank was waiting for me at a table with an unidentified boy. My heart sank slowly but gradually as I approached the table. The table that I usually sat at alone before Frank arrived with his cheeky smile and his pink lips and his hazel eyes.

Now there was a new boy sitting next to Frank and smiling, smiling and sitting there without my consent. I guess I shouldn't complain, it wasn't really my table, it didn't have my name on it, but still. I sat there. And only Frank was allowed to sit there with me. My feet dragged along the tiled floor and Raymond urged me along until he went back to his station where he monitored everyone's eating habits like a hawk. I was no excuse. I gathered my tray and Frank waved me over which I finally got around to doing, then sat down in my seat.

"Gerard," Frank said proudly, like he was a six year old who had just presented me with a drawing that he was really proud of. "This is Jon, he just got here. I thought that he could hang out with us and I'd help him get into the routine of things." Jon was an attractive boy, I could admit to myself, but he wasn't as beautiful as Frank. His hair hid his eyes and he was wearing a light blue sweatshirt along with pants. He was very quiet.

When he touched his hair and noticed me looking at him like he was scum of the earth, he looked back down and Frank shot me a glare. I quickly smiled and faked positivity, asking him how he was liking the hospital. Frank nodded and smiled thoughtfully at me. I just never wanted him to be mad at me, especially. Jon didn't say anything which I thought was rude, but as Frank explained when Jon was called into by Benny, he said that Jon was a selective mute. I knew what mute meant, that he didn't speak, however I didn't understand why Jon chose to be mute. Couldn't it better just to not let whatever hold you back and take the words from your throat and just actually let it out? I didn't understand why he was really here, but maybe that was just that feeling inside of me talking again. It's been showing up a lot lately, that slight feeling in my stomach, like when Frank's hands had accidently touched my own. It spit out fire when I thought about Frank with Jon, and the way Jon was actually kind of attractive and I wasn't.

“Do you like Jon?” I asked when we got to our room.

"Yeah," he replied. "Of course I do. I like him."

"Do you -" The words caught in my throat and I forced them back down with a swallow. Maybe I could understand Jon and the way his words never came out, and he never had a say in what he actually meant. New, fake words replaced the ones I swallowed down into my body.

"Never mind. Do you know why he's a mute?" Frank shook his head and pulled back his cover and rested against the mattress. "Frank," I sat up and let my feet touch the carpet. "You know how you told me why you came in here?" Frank had been hardly paying attention, but turned to look at me. He nodded again and again. "Well, I'll tell you why I'm in here. It's only fair." I took a deep breath, counted one, two, three, one, two, three. "I have schizophrenia. There are people, an organization, after me. They want to use me for their project. I've been welcomed to it...the HBA."

"I know," Frank said. "You talk in your sleep, too, you know." I sucked in a breath and nearly choked. I had been talking in my sleep? "I never understood who the HBA was though. Thank you, Gerard. I'm glad we both trust each other to tell about what happened with us." 

His breath was minty, I could tell right away, and he smelled like toothpaste. Frank tried to persuade me to go down to dinner, but I skipped it. I wasn’t hungry and Raymond would continue giving me shit. I laid down into the bed and slowly started to drift away into myself, drifting into that hazy half-asleep half-awake world, where you don't know what's real or not. My eyes were clearly open, though, hearing the noise that sounded like muffled breathing, deep deep shuddering breaths.

"Gerard, Gerard Way," the voice muttered. "Gerard Way," the voice was closer now, fingers stroking my hair. . "Gerard Arthur Way. Welcome to the project." Shark, I slowly began to realize, his voice in my head. Now he held a pocket knife in his hand. "It'll be worth it, Gerard. I promise. The HBA is powerful, more powerful than you can ever think." I couldn't move, could only lay there as Shark presses the blade against my temple and my heart hammers inside my chest against the cage. "You've been selected as a member of the organization. However, if you talk about it to the real world, your death will look like an accident. Do not break the contract, or your head will be all over the hospital.”

The screams of my own voice shattered the walls. Benny rushed to my aid, my actual knight in shining armor, and there's nothing I really remember, besides the voices as they float through my ears. They're voices I don't recognize, except for Dr. Morrigan's.

"Diazepam."

"No, Zolpidem. He's my patient, Zarr, not yours. Administer Zolpidem."

"Laine I really think you should pay attention, he needs it."

"Is he responsive?" I could see Dr. Morrigan's glare even with my eyelids glued shut. I'm guessing they were talking about medication.

"Gerard? Can you feel my hand on your temple? What did you do, boy, bang it against the dresser? Gerard, can you squeeze my hand? Can you do something?"

"It'll most likely leave a scar." 

I felt nothing. I felt the numbness from my fingertips to the very edge of my toes, and I wondered if this is what it really felt like to die, or be something like in a coma, or just have to live with your brain not working the same like it should.

Was I going to be a vegetable until one of my parents decided with heavy hearts that it was time to pull the plug? Would there be any solace for my family?

Dr. Morrigan's hand squeezed mine. I squeezed back. Damn, I guessed my life wasn't heading for vegetable-land, limbo, caught in between living and dying. My eyelids fluttered open and I looked around, at Dr. Morrigan, at other doctors and nurses.

"Ah, Gerard. You scared Benjamin. You really did." Dr. Morrigan said, gripping my hand. "You had a pretty nasty bloody mark on your temple, Gerard. What did you do?" 

I remembered Shark warning me about telling normal people of the HBA. Instead, I asked, "We're not at Gray Oak. Where are we?"

"Don't worry about that. Just a better hospital that could help you. It was almost as if you were in a coma, Gerard, and we needed Dr. Zarr here to administrate your sedative after your shock. Are you okay now, Gerard?"

"I'm fine," I struggled. I spotted the calendar in the corner, the date March 9th. I had been here for over a day at least. "Why was I in here so long? Didn't I just become responsive?" Dr. Morrigan shook her head but told me to rest now. She would explain things later after we arrived back to Gray Oak. I obliged and laid in that bed for what seemed like hours when Benny and George finally came assist me. When I did get back, lunch was handed to me by Amy, a stricken-faced lady with youth in her hair and no wrinkles lined on her face, dark black curly hair in a bun.

"You didn't eat before. You weren't fed in the hospital since you got out. You should eat something." Amy sat at my table, watching me carefully. Monitoring every bite, sip, and swallow I make. I scanned the other tables for Frank, the image of his hair and his eyes and his complexion burned into my mind. I could spot Frank six miles away if I really wanted to. I almost don't see him, plopped into the middle of the table with three kids all around him. He was talking and laughing.

"Gerard, why are you so distracted? You need to eat." I shrugged her off but forced another bite down my throat. I wanted to call him out, to get his attention, but his back was facing me. And he was sitting next to Jon, the selective mute. 

"Ah. Frank finally did leave your table. After you were gone, he stayed at the table with Jon Walker.” Amy's eyes found where mine landed. She looked back at me and examined my lunch then nodded. "I would appreciate if you'd have a few more bites, but I really can't force a tube down your throat. I think you should go talk to Frank, he's been really...lonely without you. He acts differently. He doesn't talk in the groups."

I was really nervous to talk to Frank now, especially with two others surrounding him. But I decided that I shouldn't and just went to my room and waited. I waited for him to come back so I could be alone with him. The room was familiar and I almost fell into Frank's recently messed up bed. It smelled like him, and it really hit me considering the fact that the hospital I had been in had contaminated my nostrils with wet paint smell. I considered replacing my sheets with his so I can wrap myself up in it, but that'd be too creepy, so I laid in my bed instead. The clock made a beeping noise once it hit 5:00. Frank walked in and looked at me with a look of shock mixed with surprise.

"Gerard, where have you been? I missed you!" His feet were planted to the ground like roots sprouted from the bottom of his feet and into the earth below. His face instantly fell fifteen seconds after his eyes met mine. "I thought you had left. Really left. I thought you transferred or something. I thought you left me." His face crinkled and slowly broke.

"I had an episode," I explained to him quickly. "I would never leave you, Frank. You're my friend. I just had an episode and had to get this looked at and made sure it didn't make my disorder any worse." I pointed toward the side of my head, a scar I hadn't properly looked at just yet. "I was gone for only a day and a little bit more, Frank. I wouldn't have left you without saying goodbye."

Frank walked towards me and leaned forward, on his toes, and wrapped his arms around me, bringing me down to meet his height. Frank murmured something into my ear that was too slurred together to make much sense, and as quickly as I had felt Frank's chest and his beating heart against my own, it disappeared and Frank was shining like the sun. Frank wanted me to go to group sessions with him, but I politely told Dr. Morrigan that I needed to be excused. I stayed in my room and drew the beds in our room, and the night stand, and anything that would take up space in my notebook. I had been neglecting it lately, so I thought that it would be nice if I got time off. I turned the page and noticed a folded up piece of paper with a tiny piece of tape making it stick to the top of the page. 

I picked at the tape with my fingernails and peeled it off, letting the paper flutter on to my lap. I had no idea where it had come from, and as I unfolded it, I anxiously didn't know what to expect.

H. B. A. Organization Contract

Gerard Arthur Way (Party A) has been selected among thousands to participate in the project entitled the "H.B.A. Organization" a project funded for the purpose of World Keepers, created by Mr. A.B Leonard, the first World Keeper. Party A has been secretly selected by Mr. A.B Leonard himself on the new year of 1997 and the one selected has been monitored closely by men and women belonging to the birth of the H.B.A. Party A must agree to all the rules or face dire consequences if the rules are to be broken. Party A's rules go as follows:

1\. Do not discuss the project outside where it is not safe. This is the main rule given to the participants. If you do not abide by this rule, life for the participant shall be short and painful.

2\. Memorize the 10 secrets that will be sent to you in two days time.

3\. Do not share them with any living soul, or the world will be destroyed. The secrets are everything. They are the world's answers. The participants have been given these secrets as a way for Mr. Leonard to not hold on to them anymore.

4\. The secrets may drive the participant to go through insanity if not emotionally ready for them.

5\. Do not trust anyone with the secrets. Do not trust anyone at all.

6\. If a participant fails to successfully graduate from the project, they will be terminated, along with the entire family of said participant.

When the participant has been successful in keeping their secrets, they will be rewarded and given something they desperately need, although only few people will survive the intensity of the secrets.

Party A must follow these rules or the consequence will be death. By signing this contract, you agree to the following rules, and understand that the penalty to not follow them is death. Sign your name below and leave the contract where it was placed. 

Thank you for your time. We hope for success.

Mr. Michalis Vali   
H.B.A   
Participant #10-10

I stared at the mark on the back of the paper, then simultaneously traced the scar on my temple. It matched the stamp on the paper. I read it over again and stared at nothing for a while, until it finally registered. I could easily open my mouth and scream. It had to be a hoax. It needed to be. If Dr. Alfons and Dr. Morrigan had said that they weren't real, they weren't really there, then what was this? I could show it to them, but the first rule is shouting at me. If the HBA were real, and I shared the secrets of the project out with them, I would be surely killed. The tears wouldn't stop even after I acknowledged them because for once, for once in my damned miserable life, I was absolutely afraid. Death seemed pretty good right now, but I was already stuck in here, where they could just stitch me back up and never let me actually die. Dying would be safe. 

What were these secrets anyway? The more the word popped up, the more curious and scared I was. The man had said that there were many who died because of the intensity of the secrets and their actual meaning behind it. What if I was one of them who would die? How many actual people were involved in this thing? I touched the ending of the contract and tried to figure things out. I was ten. I was number ten, out of ten. There were ten other people out there with scars on their bodies and contracts in their hands and maybe just maybe the same thoughts as mine.

I looked at my possible chances this way: sign the contract, keep the secrets, and hopefully be successful in this project and move on with my life, possibly die from the secrets, die from telling someone about the HBA (which might happen, because every single doctor is trying to pry everyone open and dig out their thoughts with plastic spoons), or kill myself. To be honest, none of these options seemed appealing.


	9. Chapter 9

I gnawed on my lip until blood poured in my mouth. I forced myself up from the position I was in and checked the time. Five minutes until the session was done and then Frank would be in the room with me. I needed to choose before Frank could ask me what I was doing. I fumbled for my pen, the black ink gliding along a piece of scratch paper. It stayed hovering above the dark line where my name was supposed to go to verify my consent to the contract. Two minutes until Frank came in. I signed the contract as it told me to, and placed it into where it was originally found. I laid down on my bed until Frank made his way inside, and laid there too.

"Do you miss your family? I don't. Not really. Maybe my mom, though." Frank said quietly.

"I miss them. I miss my brother the most. I haven't seen him in months, he's never had a chance to visit me before. I really hope he does." Frank turned to look at me. "I think you'd like him. Mikey, I mean. My brother is totally into comic books and lots of other things." He shook his head and looked down at his stomach, the patch of skin that was totally exposed because his shirt was riding up. 

"I'm never getting out of here. I'm so messed up, it's insulting to people when Shelly talks like that. She asked us today what we would like to do when we got out. We all know a lot of us aren't getting out. I'm one of them. I did such a messed up thing and now I'm stuck here. Not even Derek will visit me. I'm so messed up." Frank said bitterly.

"Frank!" I snapped, sharply. "You aren't messed up, and what you did was merely just a mistake that you can fix. Everyone makes mistakes. It's human. Everyone can fix their problems, too. Do you understand me, Frank? You aren't messed up. You just can't help it because of your disorder and Frank it really isn't anything to be ashamed about." 

I was called for visitation hours. I was relieved to see Mikey. For the first time since my prison day here, I asked Mom if I can go home for the weekend. She looked at me with confused and glazed over eyes and didn't answer, so I know it's not going to happen. Maybe it's better that way, especially with the new facts in my mind. I had opened the notepad again after visitation hours and saw that the contract was still there and memorized the rules until I could speak them by heart. They were engraved behind my eyelids so I wouldn't forget them and accidentally mess up, but they were pretty basic concepts: Shut up or die. 

Mikey smelled like soap when I hugged him goodbye, and I try to remember my family so the thoughts of the HBA wouldn’t send me into a full-blown panic attack. I need to let it out or else my head will explode. So while I’m eating alone with Frank, no Jon to be seen, I start to draw. I put in as much detail as possible as my eyes focus on Frank, my model. I started to think about Mr. Tobach, too, and how disappointed he would be if he realized how much I was avoiding my book, filled with so many mindless doodles and a page talking about Shark and the information I knew about the HBA Organization. But I needed to start fresh, so while Frank is staring absentmindedly out of a window, the gray walls imprisoning us, I captured all the little details.

Frank turned to look at me, but I continued, too engrossed in my art to really care if Frank thought it was creepy or not. Frank reacted positively though, a small tiny smirk on his face.

It took me two days to finish. It had been easy, yet difficult, catching everything about Frank and his beauty. He was beautiful, and if I had to draw him one million times more just to make him smirk again, I would. Frank had the actual face of an angel. I showed it to him proudly, and he just stared at it for a while, when my sinking feeling came back. What if Frank thought it wasn’t good enough? I thought of it as my best only because Frank was in it, and not just because I drew it. I would never be able to completely make Frank’s beauty come to life on the paper, there was just no way. It took him a few minutes to reply.

“It’s not that good but I just can’t really draw how beautiful you are, Frank.” I told him nervously.

“N-No,” Frank told me timidly. “It’s beautiful, it’s amazing. I didn’t know you could do something like this. It’s amazing, Gerard.” Frank wiped his eyes with his sleeves. “No one has ever really done something so nice for me before. C-Can I keep it?” I nodded and ripped out the paper slowly and carefully, and handed it to him with my name signed on the bottom. “Thank you Gerard! Thank you!” His hugs were addictive, the way he brought me down with him, the way his arms felt around my neck, and especially the closeness. I breathed him in and sighed to myself, he was absolutely wonderful. I don’t think anyone had been that thankful over my art before. “It actually makes me feel beautiful.” Frank whispered, “Thank you so much, Gerard. This is really special to me.” 

Frank’s praise made me feel the spark again, this time going from my stomach to the tips of my fingers and the ends of my toes. It made me feel numb, numb, numb, however, Frank made me feel sparks everywhere. Frank let go, his smell still strong on my body, with a wide smile on his face. Shark leered at the edge and glared at me with daggered soulless black eyes, like I had broken a rule, and Frank disappeared.

“What are you doing? You haven’t even looked at or read your secrets! Do not forget the task at hand, Mr. Way.” He’s wearing a coat, something big stuffed into his pocket, the handle of the gun poking out. His hair is swept to the side and his teeth are sharp and pointy. However, Shark looks like he dressed up somehow, nicer, like he wasn’t a murderer. 

“My name is Michalis. I am the man who sent you your contract and who will watch you. I just think that you should know who I am before...before you read those.” Shark moved forward and placed the paper with the secrets into my hand, in the corner of the paper is that name again, typed proudly, Michalis Vali. 

Right, I could die. I could die from reading them and I guessed that’s why I procrastinated against getting them inside my head. I nodded and turned around, where Michalis grabbed my shoulder and looked at me.

I changed into the only clean shirt I had here, a tiny shrunken shirt that was too tight around my belly area, and it didn’t even cover all of my stomach. Although my overweightness had greatly decreased over the past few months here in the institution, my fat still poked out. I touched the paper with my fate on them and slowly sucked in a breath. Frank instantly came to my head, and I had told him that I wouldn’t leave him without saying goodbye, and if I put those secrets inside my head and died, then I never would be able to say goodbye to Frank.I needed to tell him just in case I couldn’t handle the secrets, I had to. I left the paper face down and turned around where George was looking at me carefully, a towel in his arm.

“Shower time, Gerard. Hurry up.”

Frank hugged me after my cold shower, and after I got the soapy residue out of my hair. He smelled clean, too, like I hoped I did. As he whispered to me in my ear, his breath against my neck, I almost lost control of my knees. They would have buckled in any second.

“Gerard,” Frank whispered sweetly. “You’re absolutely adorable with your hair like that.” I laughed and looked down at his small face, whispering a compliment right back. Frank blushed and put his hair in his eyes while I walked away, smiling to myself, forcing myself not to look back at his face. I had said my goodbye in the best way possible for him, and I physically felt pain as I didn’t want to forget Frank, and the way his eyes sparked up, and the way he smirked and the way he sniffled. I didn’t want to forget. When I’m done, I realized the paper is stained with sweat spots from my hands. I anxiously unfolded it and forced myself to read the ink, neatly typed.

I howled in my room, kicking the paper underneath my bed and rocking myself back and forth with tears making their way down my eyes. I screamed until my voice was raw and forced myself to try to calm down, but I couldn’t. The words were already read. The words were stuffed into my head and smashing against my skull, making the pain unbearable. I stood up shakily and slammed my fists against the walls, slammed my head against the walls, forcing it, making it just

Stop.

I am a bad, bad man. I am bad. Dr. Morrigan even told me along with Dr. Alfons, who I don’t really care about, but I am bad. In the books and movies they show the padded cells that people who are too crazy for the outside world at the moment. I just never thought I’d be the person to be stuck in one for who knows how many days in complete and utter boredom. I even have time to examine the damage on my knuckles. They were processing purples, blues, and blacks and then over the next three days or so, they turned yellow and green and light purple.

Michalis didn’t visit me during that time which I enjoyed the days of silence, no visions, no nothing. But I missed seeing Dr. Morrigan, and I missed eating my breakfast, lunch, and dinner at my table instead of on the soft cushiony padded floor, and the soft cushiony padded walls and ceiling. I put my tray where it was usually distributed and waited for something. Anything.

When I got bored, I bit my nails. By the time Dr. Morrigan signed me out and walked me down to her office, they were bloody stumps. Dr. Morrigan or Dr. Alfons had added a black loveseat while I was gone so instead of Dr. Alfons sitting on his stool he gets a chair that looks so comfortable. I’m still deciding if my survival has been set in stone. The ache in my brain was still there and made my temple throb, but it got better every day. Dr. Morrigan is the first to ask questions.

“How are you doing, Gerard? I understand that your episode was the main reason behind you being admitted into the padded cell.” I scowled, making my anger clear to her. She’s the one who stuck me in there, why should I have to explain it, especially now? Dr. Morrigan could have let me explain it before she stuck me in there. I thought the whole hospital had been my hell but that room was ten times worse. Dr. Morrigan doesn’t even flinch, she just rolled her eyes and sighed heavily. “Gera-ard,” her tongue clicks on the roof of her mouth. “I don’t have time for your attitude right now. Dr. Alfons and I just need you to tell us what triggered your episode.” Dr. Morrigan and I have known each other for months and she’s figured me out, and she knows she has. That’s why my shit with her doesn’t work and she knows it.

“I don’t have to tell you anything.” I said, looking pointedly at Dr. Alfons, mostly. His lips are tight and puckered, and I nearly want to punch him right then. “I want to see Frank. I haven’t seen him in days.” Dr. Morrigan’s eyes widened while I heard Dr. Alfons using his pen to write something down that probably be a part of my downfall in days. I breathed, my brain filtering through my thoughts, trying to sort them out and put them in files that could be organized and looked through later. “I really need to see him. I need to see him and tell him I haven’t left without saying goodbye.” There was something I didn’t understand from the secrets, which, when I think about them, made my aching brain pound fiercely. It is something that the HBA Organization messed up on, and I now had that in my brain, which I kept deep inside the file. It was a secret that the HBA Organization could never know I had.

There was an eleventh secret on the page, not just ten.


	10. Chapter 10

Thinking about it made my brain sick, so I took my medication with cold water and food in my stomach to dumb my brain down, to numb, to not think at all. When I took the medication I wasn’t myself, however, and that is what I realized the first night Frank and I skipped out on meds. They made my brain shut down for a few hours and actually talk to Dr. Morrigan and spill out everything like they wanted me to, but I just needed that kind of shut down right now. I swallowed them with cold icy water and waited for them to kick in. I walked over to Jon when I noticed he was at my table, alone.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I snarled. Jon jumped and looked at me with rabbit eyes, fear clouding them. Right, the boy couldn’t talk. He anxiously looked at me while tugging on his sleeve to his shirt. “You’ve seen Frank, haven’t you? Where is he?” Jon looked down at the table and started to shake. “Answer me,” I demanded. “Talk! Come on. TALK!” There were no aids in the room at the moment besides the lunch lady who is across the room, so I grabbed Jon’s collar. “Where is Frank? I don’t see him in here.”

Jon was so shaky, I could feel the vibration against my fingertips. Someone touched my shoulder, forcing me to the side and forcing me to let go of Jon. I turned around, ready to punch whoever it was: Frank.

He looked like all red had gone to his face and steam could come out of his ears. Jon started to cry, burying himself in his food as he scampered away to another table. Frank glared at me before I could get a good look at him, and he went  
off.

“What the actual fuck is wrong with you, Gerard? If you wanted to ask Jon where I was, you didn’t have to be so damn rude about it.” Frank snapped. “Be a nice person for once.” Frank picked his tray back up and walked away with confidence in his stride. His mouth moved as he spoke to Jon, but I couldn’t make out words for it. I couldn’t really feel upset, it wasn’t my damn fault the kid couldn’t talk. If he could have just talked and told me, then Frank wouldn’t be upset. If Jon hadn’t sat in my spot, then none of this would have happened in the first place.

I’m usually not this much of an asshole. Dr. Morrigan put me on new medication and now I’m not allowed coffee anymore, so it makes me antsy. I guessed the secrets could make me anxious, too. The thought of them was bringing back the pain that had happened before I got put in the padded cell. Frank was pissed, I made Jon cry, I couldn’t have my damn coffee fix. I needed a cigarette. Of course, the ward doesn’t supply us with those, either. Smoking is bad, they chant, chant, chant. I’ve only smoked a few times, not an everyday smoker, but I know how good it feels in my lungs. It can’t be that bad if it makes you feel good, just like other things that people tell you are bad but are actually good.

Maybe it’s the pills affecting me, or it’s the new knowledge that’s carved its way into my brain, but God I think I was becoming a genius. I’d become the next Albert Einstein and figure out the meaning of the universe and Dr. Morrigan would realize that my insanity is not really insanity and I am just a full-blown genius with secrets in my brain.

As my mind wandered over to what the actual secrets that Michalis sent me, I realized that they could be the answers to life’s greatest questions. And I wasn’t allowed to share them with the rest of the world. I touched the scar on my temple and pressed my fingers up against it to feel pressure on it. If I pushed hard enough maybe I’d kill something inside me.

I’m trying not to think about Frank and the way his eyes looked betrayed as they met mine. I had made him upset, which I clearly didn’t mean to. It made my heart ache when I saw Frank, and when he gave me the cold shoulder as he forced himself not to look at me as he went in for lights out, especially then. Frank never smiled at me, he ignored me when I tried to talk to him. I slept on my side and let small tears leak out onto my cheeks, where Frank couldn’t see.

Frank talked to me after the third day of utter silence. He didn’t really talk much, although he noticed me, definitely. Frank had seen there was mustard on my face and after I died of embarrassment, turning various shades of violet, he leaned over at where I was sitting and wiped it off with a satisfied smirk.

“I miss you, Gerard. Obviously you’ve been torn up without me, leaving stains on your face like that.” I coughed and put my hands to my face, trying to hide the red.

“I’m sorry, Frank.” I muttered. “For being rude to Jon. I should have been nicer. I was just really off edge because I was stuck in that padded cell for a while.” He touched my cheek and smiled sheepishly to himself, looking away so I couldn’t see his eyes. I touched his chin and made him look up, looking at his green eyes and the way they made my stomach do a somersault. I hadn’t seen those eyes in days and seeing them now reminded me of how much I missed being with Frank, and being near him, and being able to sleep in the same room with him in the bed next to mine and just being with Frank Iero in any way possible made me happy now that I was far away from that cell. 

We walked together into our room and sat down. “I missed you so much, Frank. I missed you.” Frank looked away, ashamed. There was something about his body language that made it obvious that he was keeping something from me as his knees were pulled tightly together. 

“I’m supposed to go home next week, on a Friday.” Frank grabbed my hands and leaned toward me. 

“W-Why?” I whispered. “Why Frank? Why are you leaving me…?” I broke down.

“My dad,” he mumbled. “He’s not paying for my stay here at Gray Oak anymore. I’m going to live with him in California, far away from Derek. I just wanted to apologize, I just wanted to give him closure. I wanted both of us to have closure. I’ll never have that. I have to live with him.” Frank started to cry, puckered lips and tears running down his cheeks.

“No!” I was afraid of the rage in my own voice. “No, Frank. No. He can’t take you away! He’ll hurt you!” Frank started to cry harder. I pursed my lips and touched his shoulders protectively. “I won’t let them take you away from me.” I said forcefully.

I remembered the way Frank’s father had treated his son, and how his dad wasn’t even a good father to begin with. Frank wiped his moist cheeks with his sleeves and looked down, studying the floor and not looking directly at me. “I won’t, Frank. I won’t let him take you. He’ll hurt you.” I launched up from my bed and walked, touched the side of his cheek, his neck, holding him up steadily making him look into my eyes.

I wanted to kiss him, with his small, pink, pouty lips, and his wide tear-stained eyes and the way his skin was so fair and soft. I wanted to leave pecks on his cheeks, both of them, down his neck to his collarbone. I had never gotten such an urge to kiss him. The desire slapped me straight in the face and I wanted to kiss him. I needed to kiss him more than I needed air, or food, or water, or anything. If this was my only chance to kiss Frank, in the most innocent way, I would. I would before he left me forever.

“Gerard,” he whispered, his face changing to pure heartbreak and anger as the blissed face left. “Gerard,” he repeated, tiredly. “Why did you do that?!” That stung more than him ignoring me. “Why did you kiss me?” It only lasted a few seconds, seconds that felt like hours, until the kiss was returned shyly.

Because I love you, I knew it was love when you kissed back. I love you.

“I like you, Frank. I care about you more than any person here.”

“You had to do this now?” Frank cried out. “You had to do this now while I’m a week away from living in my own hell? I liked you the day I laid eyes on you, Gerard. I felt it, the butterflies, everything. I felt it when I saw you.” Frank started hitting me, his fists pounding against my chest. “Why did you have to do this now, Gerard? Why?”

“I didn’t think I’d have another chance,” I said. “I saw my chance and I took it.”

“You just had to kiss me, didn’t you, Gerard? Do you know how much it’ll break me?” He put his head in his hands. 

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, touching his hair. It felt soft between my fingers. “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t not kiss you. I needed to kiss you. I still do,” I admitted. “I need your kiss more than air right now.”

I returned my fingers to the position they were placed before, and Frank breathed in, quietly, a quick suck of breath, but didn’t stop me none the less. I took this as a good sign and kissed him again, softer than the rushed kiss I had given him before. He pushed himself into it greedily, teeth biting my lip, eager to get more. Frank moaned against my lips as I tasted his tongue, memorized by the way his mouth felt. I forced myself away, forgetting that I needed oxygen to live. My head spinned when I pulled away from Frank and Frank sighed, but still had a smile.

The only thing beautiful in my life was Frank and the way he kissed. God, that boy could kiss. I slowly became more and more self conscious of my own kissing. Had I been good? I hated to admit, but that was my first real kiss, the one that really mattered. How many people had Frank kissed before? Was I better than them, or worse? For once, my thoughts didn’t focus on the secrets, or the fear of breaking the contract, one word just overlapped: Frank.

I held his hand to Dr. Morrigan’s office, where I waited for him. I held his hand underneath the table during lunch time, hiding away from Shelly and Raymond and anyone else who would glare in our directions and split us up. There was a no-touching rule here at Gray Oak, but as long as Frank’s fingers gripped onto mine, life was perfect. That was the way it seemed, anyway. Frank was my boyfriend, was it appropriate to call him that?

My dream I had been living in for a while ended as soon as it came. There were three more days until Frank’s father would rip his son away from me, leaving to California, and never coming back. There had to be some way I could avoid Frank’s departure, so I consulted Dr. Morrigan about the whole thing. I stomped into her room with her on her laptop, typing something furiously into the keyboard, slamming it shut.

“Sorry, Gerard. I’ve got a lot of things going on with Dr. Alfons on at the moment. You look different, is there something you want to talk about?”

“It’s Frank,” I choked out. “He recently told me he’s going to California with his father on Friday. I don’t think that’s good for him...his father will hurt him.” Dr. Morrigan raised her eyebrows, sighed to herself, and took a moment to recollect. “There’s got to be something we can do, some way he can stay...or even live with his mother and his stepfather, even. Just not him. I’ve met the guy. I’ve seen what he does. He doesn’t care about Frank, not really. He’ll hurt him.”

“There isn’t much I can do here, Gerard. Frank seems to be recovering faster than expected, and his father and mother both signed a document about Frank’s release. They both consent to it. So Frank will be going home this Friday. If he continues taking his medication then he’ll be fine. There isn’t much I can do but say that Frank is still in a wrong state of mind and needs to continue his stay here, but from the looks of it, he doesn’t need to.” Dr. Morrigan spoke calmly, hands in her lap. She was looking at me with hazy eyes, like she knew. She had to know about Frank and I somehow.

“You have to let him stay!” I said with more force than I intended. “He needs me! I’m his only friend,” I whispered. “If I let him go with his dad, I won’t forgive myself.”

“There just isn’t much I can do, Gerard. I’m sorry. Frank is recovering, and letting him go back to his mother and stepfather may trigger him into getting those kinds of feelings all over again. That’s why I didn’t discuss Derek with Frank in his sessions. What Frank needs is a new start in a new state without Derek.”Dr. Morrigan shook her head. I wanted to hit and scratch and yell at her until there was no sound left in me. Frank wanted to apologize to Derek! Didn’t she get that? Couldn’t she understand that was all Frank wanted to really do? 

“I get it, Dr. Morrigan.” I mumbled to her. “I’m done here. I need to eat.”

“By the way, Gerard,” Dr. Morrigan interrupted. “It says here from the aids that you haven’t been experiencing any episodes lately. The medication is working, then.”

Michalis was sitting in Dr. Alfons’ seat, glaring at me with a familiar black jacket on, with black jeans ripped at the knee. “Mr. Way,” he said accusingly. “It’s about time you called me here. Do you want me to dispose of Laine Morrigan?” Michalis dug into his pocket of his jacket and pulled out a phone, ready to dial. “I’m actually kind of rooting for you, Gerard. There are only four people left, the rest of them died the day they got their secrets. Only one person decided to tell someone else,” he chuckled to himself. “I made quite a mess, but I watched the girl’s siblings clean her brains off the walls. I’m getting off topic, just say the word and Laine Morrigan will be disposed of properly.”

My heart hammered, terrified. I was struck back, afraid to move an inch. “No,” I whispered. “No, don’t. I didn’t call you here, Michalis.”

“Yes, you did. That mark I left you knows when to call for me. You want someone to be disposed of.” Michalis tapped the side of his head and my own scar throbbed with a shooting pain. “It’s a mark of the HBA. When you need me, or call for me, I’m here. It’s all part of the HBA, Mr. Way.”

I went out of Dr. Morrigan’s office and sat down in the seat, scanning for Frank. 

“I don’t want you to get rid of anyone. I don’t even want to be a part of this HBA.”

“You may not want to get so close to Frank. You could end up blurting out the HBA and their purpose and then -” he stopped himself, “brains will be all over this damn place. It’ll give the hospital some color, I have to admit. There’s too much white.” Michalis sighed and walked away.


	11. Chapter 11

“Gerard?” Frank asked, tugging on my shirt sleeve. “Gerard, it’s urgent. We need to go outside.”

Frank pulled on me, forcing me to tumble on top of him. I quickly got up and apologized.

“Gerard.” He said firmly. I hurried with him outside where he pushed me up against one of the walls, a blind spot from the aids, and kept me there for a minute. His lips were inches away from my ear, him on tippy-toes.

“I know a way we can get out of here. We can run away.” Frank’s breath was hot and rapid. “I started talking to the patient, Matthias.” I had no idea who the hell Matthias was, but Frank seemed to know, and if Frank’s eyes were light and full of excitement like that and he trusted Matthias then I would, too.

Matthias was tall, hidden underneath sweaters and sweat pants, his face grim and gray, a beanie hiding his eyes. 

“Hello, Gerard.” Matthias smiled at me carefully, studying me with a cold, brown eye. “Tomorrow there will be an outbreak between Jorge and I a few minutes before lights out. That’ll give you an opportunity to retreat outside and climb the tree where the blind spot for the guides is. Jorge and I will fight, Shelly will be called to keep an eye on us, you just have to be in their blind spot before the new aids arrive and if you get over to the tree, then you two will be home-free.” He pointed toward a large tree, towering over the wall, completely blind from Shelly’s post. “I hope you two are good at climbing and jumping, especially.”

“I can’t climb,” I confessed, hiding my sweaty palms away from Frank. “I’m afraid of heights.” The thought of just climbing a tree was making anxiety gnaw in my stomach. Frank rubbed his thumb into my hand. I wasn’t completely sure how he had ended up holding my hand, but I wasn’t complaining. It felt safe, secure, being with Frank. I didn’t want this feeling to go. “What will we do when we’re on the other side? Run? Someone will notice from the outside if not the inside and then they’ll be on to us.” Frank was starting to look doubtful because of my words, staring at the walls that confined us. “I want to get out of here as soon as I possibly can with Frank.”

“Frank and I were speaking about this when he found out that his father will be dispatching him. When you two escape my brother will be on the other side, ready to go. Is this plan suitable enough for the two of you, Frank? Gerard?” He nodded his head at me, quick and smooth, then when we nodded back, he grinned. “This is great for you boys. I wish you the best of luck. Tomorrow will be a good day, I’m sure of it!” Matthius walked back inside and left Frank and I alone, where I awkwardly stood. 

“Frank,” I cleared my throat. “Is this actually happening? Are we getting out of here, Frank?”

“Yeah. Yeah, Gerard! We’re getting out of here, and I can be with you. It’ll be okay with us.” Frank held onto my hand, sweaty, clammy, and cold. 

“Guys, time to come in. Dinner will start in about ten minutes. The line is short, you can go get food already.” Frank let go of my hand when Ben rounded the corner, eyeing us suspiciously. Instead of the line that Ben suggested we go to, we both went into our room, Frank changing into a blue shirt with two buttons undone and a small pocket. With a sudden burst of confidence, my heart racing, going haywire, I felt like a new person, like I could really be with Frank. I played with his hair and let it rest between my fingers; feeling the softness of it, how beautiful he is. I tangled my fingers in his hair when he turned towards me, desire filling every nerve-ending in my body, his lips sweet and warm and hot and wet.

It felt like something I could never get enough of. Frank was surprised by my sudden act of dominance, but quickly slipped into kissing me back, letting me take control of where I wanted his hands to be, wrapped around my neck. The hair on the back of my neck rose.

“We should get going. Dinner will start soon. Want to continue this tomorrow?” Frank whispered, voice ragged. He kissed my cheek and flashed me a half smile. “There will be no interruptions then.”

Frank left first and then I followed, not wanting to raise any questions with the aids. I didn’t need them sniffing up on questions with me, when I was afraid of what I’d tell them. I got my platter of chicken and vegetables, water, and rice. After dinner, Jon was nowhere to be found, and when I asked what had happened Frank told me he was discharged. The medication seemed to be helping and he could talk again, so he was gone. That made me happy, even though Frank was my boyfriend, I didn’t need to get jealous. Frank was mine.

Although I would never say that to him out loud. Too possessive. He probably would be weirded out.

During shower time, I scrubbed my body and tried not to get so nervous. I waited for Frank to get out in the room. Michalis surprised me however, with news.

“There are only three remaining. The recent participant tried to get the secrets out. He had a concussion. He died in the hospital fifteen minutes ago.” Michalis smiled, a pointed tooth poking out. “I’m rooting for you, Gerard Way.”

Michalis opened the door and left, and a minute later, Frank appeared, and smiled at me.

“Are you ready for this?” I nodded, letting him flop down onto the bed. His hair was still wet, leaving trails on his shirt, sticking to his back. I thought of the way he kissed earlier, all blood rushing from my face and my pants got tight. I sat down and covered myself with the blanket and breathed in and out. Frank eyed me carefully and then smiled, sitting down next to me. I wanted to kiss him again, but my cock was thinking other ideas.

“We’re gonna make it, Gerard. I promise you,” Frank mumbled as he laid his head on my shoulder. I didn’t say anything, just listened to the even pattern of his breath.

Eight hours, I counted. I had woken up early, just before sunlight to see Frank curled up next to me like a puppy, next to my ribcage. We had been wrapped up in one another before we fell asleep, but I guessed we had moved multiple times in our rest. I touched his cheek, white and warm, and just listened to his sound. I woke him up twenty minutes before Ben - or even worse, Shelly, would check on us, and I made him get into his bed. The absence of him in my bed made it feel as though there was a hole in my chest, and only Frank could fill it. Frank fell back asleep but Ben woke him up while I had already been changing into new clothes. My stomach was rumbling from nerves or hunger, but for once, I actually ate everything I could. 

When Raymond wasn’t looking, and I could see the back of his fuzzy brown afro, Frank and I clasped hands tightly together, above and below the table. When the aids looked, we barely touched fingertips, but that was it. We ate in silence with a question every now and then from Frank, while he sipped on his water. There was so much tension and trust between us, the two, and I wondered if the same thing was going through his head: the consequences we might face.

 

Frank and I were inseparable that entire day, and my session was only five minutes long. Dr. Morrigan only explained my new medication in a giant light blue bottle with pills piling up like candy. This was the medication that would make me completely better, Dr. Morrigan hoped, and would help me and have many benefits and side effects. Dr. Morrigan put my pills into a little box and places it inside her desk, for her to tell the nurses later on. They controlled how much I took and how many would slide down my throat, prescribed by her. I wanted to tell her that I wouldn’t be taking those anymore, but I just couldn’t let anything slip out past my lips or our plan would be totally screwed. I needed to keep it quiet for Frank, all of this I was doing for him. Frank greeted me with a smile with wet lips, his tongue licking them every now and then. Just seeing his pink tongue sent shivers throughout my entire body, but I tried to control them. I had never felt feelings like this before with anyone, and all in a few months I had more than prehospital Gerard had done.

I had my first kiss that was actually meaningful, and he slept in my bed with me. My first kiss with who I regret was a chatty, blonde-haired freshman with too pink lips and makeup that made her look orange. Her lips tasted like cherries and left sparkles on my own, a four second kiss.

It wasn’t the same with Frank. His lips were naturally sugary sweet, always perfect and so damn kissable in their own way, and once I got my lips on his I needed him in every other way, too. His touch and his lips made my whole body ignite fire.

Matthias walked by the chair I sat in while I waited for Frank in the line, his session going on quite longer than usual. He lightly placed his hand on my shoulder as he walked past to get into the other table. I nodded and looked down at my water, then studied the dirt underneath my fingernails. Frank sighed and sat down, slamming his tray down on the table which got a disapproving look from Shelly. 

“I’m so damn tired of sitting around and having to talk about my fucking father.” Frank growled, teeth clenched. “That’s mostly what I’ve been talking about since my first day here!” I rubbed my finger across his palm and let him talk everything out with me, the way he spit about his father and his mother and his fucking stepfather Derek, which filled me with a snarling feeling, jealousy slapping me in my face.

 

“Oh, Mr. Way, surely you don’t mean you called me here because of some petty jealousy?” Michalis furrowed his eyebrows as if in genuine concern for me, and then shook his head. Today, he was wearing a suit and tie, a pair of reading glasses, and white gloves. “Do you want me to dispose of Derek Kingman?” He scanned his shoes and dress pants, Michalis looked like he was attending a wedding, or a funeral. I shook my head and tried to block out every feeling I’ve gotten from Frank’s ranting about his stepfather. I needed to focus on my present, the plan that was unfolding in two hours and thirteen minutes. Two hours and thirteen minutes away from my own freedom with Frank and they seemed to go on for eternity.

In the middle of the night, Frank and I were both wide awake as we stumbled along with everybody else outside into the night, the weather around 70, still warm but not cool enough. Sweat was gathering on my forehead, moist from the humid air. We all stood in groups with two aids on our groups watching us like hawks. I nudged Mercedes, whispered in her ear to distract the aids for five minutes. Mercedes raised a dark eyebrow but went on to be the distracter in our plan. She coughed multiple times and walked over with her hand on her forehead, like she was having a fever. I gripped onto Frank’s hand and pulled him into our blind spot. My eyes were groggy, but I could make out the darkness of the tree that would lead our way to Matthias’ car, to a life with Frank, it was worth it even if we had to hide away, forever.

“Go first,” I whispered urgently as Frank heaved himself up with his arms, climbing the tree quickly, like it wasn’t a big deal. He wobbled as he sat on the wall. “Are you okay?” I called as quietly as I could, and Frank nodded. I touched the tree, struggling to get myself up and reach for a branch.

“Hold my hand? I’m scared, Gerard.” Frank whispered as his pinky finger intertwined with mine. “We need to jump.” I held his hand tightly, afraid to let go. Hand and hand, Frank and I jumped, the cement waiting to meet us down below.

My knees made strong impact with the ground, and as we both got up, I was the only one with a limp. I had to lean on Frank as we scanned the roads for a red car with its headlights on. A few minutes into our searching my heart nearly sunk, but Frank pointed it out at the end of the street. He helped me get into the car and got himself in next. 

“Hey, you’re Matt’s friends.” Matthias’ brother turned and smiled at us, and at first I thought it was Matthias, but he introduced himself as Jamie. “We’re twins. We’ve shared things all our lives, but when I got accepted into the college that he was rejected for, he had the crazy. That was the only thing we didn’t share.” Jamie smiled and looked out the window. “I really hope he’s getting better, though.”

“He seems pretty normal to us,” Frank answered. I felt something warm and wet in the darkness and touched both my knees, feeling something soaking through them. They were pajama pants, so I could rip them off easily to expose the bloody mess. “You really hurt yourself, Gerard.”

“There’s a first aid kit in front of you, kid,” Jamie said as he drove. “Is there any particular route you guys wanna head to?”

Frank leaned and fished for the first aid kit, getting cotton swabs dipped in alcohol and then applying it to my bloody mess, which made my knees sting.

“Take us to Wilshire and third?” I asked him, and he nodded. He looked at me and tried to see how bad my knees were, but I shook my head. I was fine, I only had a cut, I could feel it with my fingers. Frank scolded me and slapped my hand away, then continued to nurse me. Frank grabbed two bandages then applied them to my skin. “I want to say goodbye to my brother,” I told Frank. “I need to tell him what happened at least. My parents don’t need to know.” Frank was quiet as he slid the sticky bandage onto my skin, wiped off his hands, and then I asked, “are you tired?” He nodded, kicking off his shoes and unbuckling his seat belt, then laid his head on my lap. I stroked his hair until I could tell that he was sleeping. I wanted to say something, wanted to make sure this was really happening, that my episodes weren’t blending in with my reality again.

The back of my throat hurt. When Jamie woke me up, I prayed that I didn’t have morning breath so I wouldn’t scare Frank away. Frank was sitting up with his hand in mine when we arrived to my house. The night was still young and I was awake now.

“Thank you, Jamie. Do you mind if you wait here for a few minutes? We might need another ride, but after that, we’ll be off your case.”

 

“If Matt thinks you’re cool guys, then I trust him. Even if he does have problems. I’ll wait.” Jamie smiled and Frank helped me get to the front door. I dug for the key in the pot plant on the porch and slowly pushed it in. From Mom’s last visit, both of them had gotten jobs that would last them all night, so I’m sure only Mikey was home, but there was no harm in being safe. I scanned the room and tried to take everything in. There was a new couch which Mom had been begging Dad to buy since she found it at the store nearly years ago. I told Frank that I was fine and told him to stay in my room with the blue paint mark on it. I stumbled over to my parents bedroom and opened the door, relieved to find an empty bed. I joined Frank in my own room and noticed how dark and gloomy it was, it seemed untouched.

Frank was blushing when I came over to him and we were both sitting on the bed. I didn’t understand why but I went over to my dresser and grabbed ten shirts and four pairs of jeans, then a duffel bag. I tossed Frank one.

“My brother is about the same size,” I informed him. “I’m sure he won’t mind you borrowing some clothes. You can’t wear those ugly clothes, everyone will probably be looking for us. We need to head out far.” I finished my packing and left my bag on the bed. “Mikey wouldn’t mind. Come on, you could meet him.” I poked my head into Mikey’s room and saw his bed head, and his sleeping face.

When Mikey and I were younger he used to be scared of the dark, and used to sleep in the same bed as me. I’d fall asleep with him holding my hand. I touched his cheek and his eyes opened immediately, dark.

Mikey made himself a bowl of cereal in the living room while Frank and I sat quietly next to one another. “Mom and Dad are going to kill you and then dance on the ashes.” Mikey said as he chewed on his Trix, milk dribbling down his chin. “God, Gerard, are you crazy? Don’t answer that.” His milk was the color of blue and purple as he licked the top of his lips. “You brought Frank into this, too. Where are you guys going?” Mikey set his bowl and spoon with a clatter. I shook my head and Mikey knew I had no idea. Mikey sighed and mumbled, “you’re going to be in deep shit, the both of you. I’m going to pretend I never saw you. Here, have some cash. You’ll need it.” Mikey dug into his wallet that was hidden in the couch cushion and pulled out five twenty dollar bills. 

Frank walked out to check on Jamie. I hurried to get my duffel bag and Mikey gripped me into an unexpected hug. 

“Gerard,” he whispered. “Please. Be smart about this. Be careful. You and Frank, take care of yourselves.” I nodded and hugged him back, tightly. I was deciding whether or not this would be my last time seeing my little brother. “Mom and Dad will be home in two hours. Go as far as you can. You need to get out of town before people start to notice.” I let him go first and opened the door, then put the key back into its original hiding place. I joined Frank and Jamie in the car. We rode in silence for a few minutes until the car jolted to a stop and Frank jogged out hurriedly, leaving me to question where he had gone. I tapped my fingers against my thigh and waited until Frank came back with cash.

Frank looked spooked, like he had seen a ghost. There was no color in his cheeks. I squeezed his hand and he squeezed back after a moment, nearly before I pulled away because I was hurt. When he squeezed back, I smiled.

There had been four and a half hours of train rides while the sun rose. Frank and I were both so exhausted as we checked into our hotel, once my head hit that pillow I was completely out. The smell of something hot and the sound of crackling, sizzling, awoke me. I smelled it instantly: bacon. It was something that I hadn’t had in a long time and the thought of having it in my mouth made it water. Frank was standing in nothing but his boxers, wide awake, dropping another slice of bacon onto the hot pan. There was a bag of groceries on the counter, really only stuff that wouldn’t need to be refrigerated: chips, energy bars, crackers, bottles of water, and some cereal bars. Until we could get to our real destination and everything about this would blow over, we needed to keep it safe and spend as little money as possible. Frank didn’t eat the bacon, but I ate all three slices, and gulped down water. He was chewing on a cereal bar when I cleaned my hands off and got rid of the bacon grease.

“I grabbed your pills from Dr. Morrigan’s office when she went out. I think you really need to take these.” Frank shook two bottles in his hands. “I brought mine, too.” I wasn’t that shocked that Frank had brought my medication, but what if once I took it I’d go blabbing on about the H.B.A? Michalis would kill me in a second. I couldn’t take those pills. If I took them, I’d risk Frank Anthony Iero’s life along with my own. I couldn’t do that to the person I loved. “We’re checking out in about an hour,” Frank reminded me. “You really need a shower, Gee. I’m gonna watch TV and see if it says anything about us on the news. We can’t risk getting caught.”

I went into the bathroom and stripped down, then handled the different knobs. I got in and let the hot water cascade over me, and was soon covered in goosebumps. It felt so nice after being stuck in a cold car and a cold train with hardly anything to keep me warm. I used the cheap shampoo and let it leave soap in my hair as I got out. The shower was, most definitely, needed.

Frank had set my bottle of medication on the sink with a glass of sink water. I took one pill in my hand and stuff it into my jean pocket, then gulped the water down. I left the bottle in the bathroom and joined Frank outside where he was sitting comfortably on the bed with a remote in his hand. I let myself slide into bed next to him and timidly placed a kiss on his cheek. I rubbed my neck and felt heat rush into my cheeks when he quickly pecked back with a cute smile plastered on his face.

“We still have 45 minutes.” Frank whispered as he laid down next to me. “Do you want to do something?” 

“This,” I said confidently. I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his, gently. Frank kissed back feverishly, biting and sucking on my bottom lip. We kissed for a minute or so, then I tangled my fingers into his hair, moving my lips to his jaw and then his neck. He wrapped his legs around my waist as we laid entangled together, desire coursing through our veins. I kept giving him neck kisses, but got around to biting him, sucking on his neck, leaving a hickey where the pale flesh had once been. I stopped kissing him and admired the way his purple bruise looked against his skin. I left trails on his throat, touching the raised, scarred skin on his wrists with gentle touches and then kissing them. Frank responded positively, but after a moment, he didn’t seem to be responding at all, so I stopped. 

“What is it?” I asked him. “Are you okay, Frank?” Frank just stared at me quietly, those beautiful eyes glowing.

“You’re the one person I want to take things slow with.” Frank mumbled into my shoulder blade as he buried himself there. “Please don’t get mad at me. I really like you, Gerard. You’re special. I want it to be special with us.” Frank looked like he was about to cry, puffing out both his cheeks and lips. As I raised my hand to touch him, his cheek, or wipe his tear, he flinched. “Please don’t hit me.” I hesitated, moving my hand, then slowly touching his temple, down to the tears that had escaped his eyes. I touched his lips, so soft and pink, and cupped both his cheeks into my hands. I kissed him slowly, passionately, hopefully showing him that just a kiss was enough. I pulled back, afraid of Frank’s reaction, and then he smiled through tears.


	12. Chapter 12

Frank and I packed our things together silently and he went to go check us out after we were done. All it took was five minutes and we carried our stuff outside. To my surprise there was a cab already there, and I put my bag in there along with Frank’s.

“Where are we going?” I whispered as I nudged my aching knee against his. “To the train station, right? We’re heading to New York.” Frank nodded and handed the cab driver a couple of bills from his pocket. About thirty minutes into our drive Frank was cuddling me, his head pressed up against my neck. I welcomed him and wrapped an arm around him while he slept soundly. I stared out the window, looking at the scenery that ran with us. I was filled with overwhelming anxiety at every passing car. It could be someone looking for us from Gray Oak, or even worse - Michalis coming to kill me. Some time had passed rapidly since my last sighting of the shark man, and I couldn’t decide whether or not it was a good or bad thing. It seemed like years ago that Michalis had told me I was of value. Would I be killed? Or would I be saved?

 

Would they kill me, and I would be forced to leave Frank alone?

 

I clutched Frank tighter, I had to survive this, for him. If I couldn’t, Frank would be alone, and I’d do anything to make sure he knew he wasn’t, and never would be, alone. I brushed some hair from his forehead, the hair on his head getting tangled. Maybe I’d cut his hair for him, make it look like it did when we first met. However, he did look even more attractive with his hair like this. It was all up to Frank, anyway, he had done more for the both of us than I did.

“Frank?” I mumbled into his soft hair. “You’re not alone.” The cabbie gave me a sharp look but remained silent, halting to a stop and then a loud string of curses and honking. I looked out the car and saw a purple car, rusted and old, running a red light. The cabbie cursed and honked the horn, turning a dark red color, then he looked at me sheepishly, with an apologetic face.

 

I had left Frank to check in for us, but I carried our stuff into the room. Frank was in the shower when I left and walked around the small town. Snow clung to my shoes and fell lightly on my jacket. I dug into the pocket for a few seconds and pulled out a crumpled, balled up wad of green paper and six coins.

“Are you heading to the coffee shop?” A man behind me asked, touching my shoulder lightly. “If you are, it’s in the wrong direction. You look like you need some coffee.” The man took my shoulder a little aggressively and turned me in his direction. “Come on, it’s cold out.” He smiled widely, his eyes brown and his teeth very white. The stranger sat me down in a booth and told me to wait while he ordered coffee for us. After he ordered, he sat down and removed his jacket. “My name’s Simon. I moved here about two years ago. The town’s small, but the people are so nice. You don’t seem like you’re moving here, though. Where are you heading?”

 

The waitress put down two cups of coffee in front of us. Simon thanked her and winked, where she shook her head and giggled. “I’m going to New York with my -” I paused. “My friend. We’ve been wanting to get out of our city for years.” Simon nodded and drank his coffee without sugar or cream. I took my time putting in some cream and sugar and stirring it with my spoon. I wished Frank was here, I didn’t know what to tell him. I didn’t know what to say. When I finished my coffee, I put my money on the table for him and got up.

 

“Hey! I never got your name.” Simon stopped me, his grip very familiar, his pale wrist showing, a slight dark mark visible from underneath the sleeve. “It would be kind of rude for you to go without saying your name, am I right?” Simon smiled.

 

“Gerard,” I answered. “My name is Gerard. I should really get going, my friend is probably wondering where I am. I don’t want to worry him.”

 

“I’m sure we’ll be meeting again, Gerard,” Simon said coolly, drinking his last drip of coffee. “Mind if I walk you out? It’s the most polite thing I can do, anyways.” I tried to reject his offer but he insisted. “I’ll walk you back to your hotel. A lot of deaths have happened because of the snow, it’s too much for some people to handle. It’s better to be safe than sorry, am I right, Gerard? We wouldn’t want anything to happen to you to make your friend worry.” Simon was being awfully polite, as he had said most people in this town are, so I hesitantly accepted the kindness he showed. I walked back to the hotel with Simon trailing behind me. When I got to the door, Simon said goodbye and gave me a wave, the ink visible on his wrist again, and it gave me a queasy feeling. 

 

Frank had left my pills out with a glass of water when I came back. His hair was already dried and I wondered how long my encounter with Simon had actually been.

“I already took my pills, Frankie,” I told him honestly. That morning before I headed out I had swallowed them dry without even thinking. Frank looked at me with raised eyebrows, like it was unbelievable. “I did, see?” I took out the pills and counted them. There were fifty little blue capsules. Frank nodded and drank my water so it wouldn’t go to waste. Frank’s hair poked out in messy tangles, and I looked through our stuff for a pair of scissors. “Frank? Can I give you a haircut?” He turned around and put a fierce, protective hand on his hair to flatten it.

 

“What’s wrong with my hair?” Frank asked, looking up at me with those damn pretty eyes. “Is it bad? You don’t like it?” I shook my head, playing with it with my fingers. I loved touching it, feeling how fucking soft it was, it was just ridiculous. “I thought it was nice. I like it this way.”

 

“It’s nice!” I assured him. “I just thought it’d be nice to have a haircut because it seems a little hard to manage.” Frank shook his head, grabbing a brush and going through his hair quickly.

 

“Where were you while I was in the shower?” Frank asked, breaking half an energy bar into two and then handing me the second half. I took it and nibbled on it quickly, letting the strawberry flavor rest on my mouth. It mingled with the after taste of coffee.

 

“I went out and got some coffee,” I answered while laying on the bed. “I had some extra cash so I stopped by a coffee shop a few blocks from here. It’s kind of snowy out, so if you want to go outside, put on some layers.” Frank shook his head and smiled slyly, joining me on the bed and giving me a little kiss. It was sweet, strawberry flavor on his lips, and I grabbed at his hips, pulling him closer. “You’re beautiful,” I moaned into his mouth. “You’re so beautiful, Frank.” Frank pulled away and licked his lips, giving me a cheeky smile. Frank offered to put on a movie and then popped a disk in. We stripped down to our boxers and laid underneath the covers, our skin covered in goosebumps. I tried to memorize the way his body was, his chest, the feel of his hips, his neck. 

 

The movie ended, though we hadn’t watched any of it. I just stared at him, at his scars, in his eyes, whatever I could. We kissed, cuddling closer together under the thick covers for warmth.

 

After I awoke, he was standing in front of the oven. He smiled sweetly, grabbed a oven mitt and opened up the oven, a sweet, unfamiliar scent came to my nostrils. Frank grabbed the pan filled with cheesy gooey noodles and set the pan on the table.

“Gerard?” he said. “Are you ready for dinner? I made your favorite tonight.” Frank came over to me and rested his hands on my shoulders. I noticed a thick silver ring on his finger. I smiled, relieved, because we had made it. And this was my life with Frank. “Gerard?” Frank repeated. “What are you smiling about? Gerard?”

 

I opened my eyes. Frank was looking down on me, smiling. “What do you wanna do tonight? I was thinking maybe we’d go out to a little cheap dinner tonight. I’m sick of eating energy bars.” He looked at me hopefully, giving me a little tiny kiss on the cheek. “What do you say? Money’s not that low. By Monday we’ll reach New York, anyway. I don’t think people will be looking out for us then. We’ll be safe.”

 

Frank was a vegetarian, which I hadn’t really noticed, so it was a little bit of a shock to me. He ordered pasta, and I did, too. We ate, letting the good, warm food enter our bellies. It only cost us fifteen dollars, and it filled us up quite nicely. Frank and I walked back to the hotel and while he was showering, I emptied my duffel bag of the cash and started counting. There was three hundred and sixty-two dollars left and a few loose coins. I stared at the money in my hands and tried to count, tried to find more money.

We couldn’t have gotten so low so quickly. I mentally counted on my fingers the money I had spent on coffee just earlier. That was six dollars off this money, for a fucking coffee. I stuffed the money back into the bag and emptied my pockets: five quarters, a dime, ten pennies, and a tiny crumpled bill. I tossed them in the duffel bag and zipped it up.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me our money was running low?” I asked Frank. “I wouldn’t have tried to spend so much. We need to check out tomorrow and get moving. We can’t spend so much now.”

 

“I didn’t want you to worry about our financial problems,” Frank muttered. “If I just kept quiet, and I didn’t spend as much, then I think we’d make it to New York on Monday. That’s only three days away. We can find a way to make money, then. If we hadn’t run away from Gray Oak, we wouldn’t have to keep changing our routes every day.” Frank looked at me, then said, firmly, “pack everything. We’re getting on the train, then we’ll stop by a motel for the night. That should quicken our pace.” I stuffed Frank’s clothes and my clothes into the duffel bag and put the snacks in a plastic bag. I checked us out at the desk and joined Frank outside.

 

“What will we do for money when we get to New York?” I asked Frank, and he didn’t answer. I wasn’t sure if he hadn’t heard me or he had no idea what his plan would be. I’m not sure if I wanted to know the answer. It was fairly early in the night, still around two a.m., when we started walking, looking for a bus stop. 

 

“Gerard?” Someone called from behind us. “Gerard! Is that you?” Frank turned around before I did, but when I looked, it was Simon. “Gerard, my new buddy! You leaving so soon already?”

 

“We’re running out of cash,” I mumbled. “We’re trying to get to our place as soon as we can. Simon, this is Frank, Frank this is Simon. I met him earlier at the coffee shop.” Frank smiled politely and shook hands with him.

“You’re running out of cash?” Simon asked. “Why don’t I offer you a deal, Gerard? Frank?” Simon looked at us expectantly, then nodded and continued, “stay at my house for tonight and I’ll get you on the train tomorrow. I’ll lend you some extra cash. It’s the least I can do.” Simon simply couldn’t take no for an answer, then dragged us to where his car was parked. While Frank got in the car, Simon grabbed my wrist and smirked. “Gerard, Gerard, how gullible are you? We’ll let Frank go as long as you come with us. Michalis!” I froze, trying to process the words that Simon had told me. He pulled up his sleeve to reveal the same tattoo, the same scar engraved on my own head. “There is only you, Gerard, and a young girl with unbelievable strength. You are the only two left, but we are sure that she will die. You will join the HBA after she is disposed of. Come with us, and we promise Frank’s safety, and we will give him however much money he needs to get to New York.”

 

I got in the car next to Frank. I refused to let tears run down my cheeks, I was too stunned to even think. He was quiet, smiling, clutching the duffel bag to his knees.

“Frank,” I said slowly, afraid that my voice would crack. “You have no idea how much you mean to me, Frank.” I kissed him, I kissed him while the two murderers drove. I kissed him and didn’t care what would happen to me, that only Frank would be safe, Frank would have a life in New York, Frank would be okay. It seemed like the right time to say that I loved him, because I was sure that I did, but they couldn’t get past my throat. I would cry if I admitted that, knowing that this will be my last conversation with him. He kissed back, slowly, then pulled away. He looked concerned for me, and like he had to know that I was hiding something from him.

 

“I think Gerard needs to tell you something,” Michalis said. He was wearing regular jeans and a shirt, glasses, and a jacket. “Right, Mr. Way? It’s very important that you tell Frank what’s really been going on.”

 

“Get out, Frank. I don’t need you anymore. Take the bag, the food, everything. I don’t need it.” Michalis stopped the car and I said to Frank, my words not my own, like I was reading a script they came out of my mouth without much thought. Simon handed him six hundred dollars, then Michalis got out and opened the door for him. I looked at my hands and refused to stare into Frank’s eyes, afraid of what I’d see there. “Get away from me, Frank. Go to New York. Don’t look for me.”

 

Frank silently got out of the car and before Michalis slammed the door, I made the mistake of looking at him. He was crying, eyes so full of sorrow and betrayal, they hurt me right to the core. A knife was being jabbed into my back, slowly, painfully. 

“Wasn’t hard, was it?” Simon asked. “Mr. Leonard has taken quite a liking to you, Mr. Way, considering the fact that the last person with the secrets is his own niece. He personally, hand-picked his niece special to get back at his brother.” My stomach churned, but I avoided emptying my stomach of what little food it had in it. “You’ll be meeting her tonight.” 

The pain filled me before I could stop thinking. I was the worst kind of person. I probably broke Frank, broke his heart, broke our feelings for each other. How could I do that to him? Didn’t I promise myself that I’d make it through this for him? Didn’t I promise to survive this for the boy I loved? I began thrashing violently.

“NO!” I screamed. “NO! I don’t want this! I want to be with Frank! Let me go, you BASTARDS!” I unbuckled my seatbelt and opened the door, and not even thinking, my body hit the asphalt. I tried to get up, my whole body aching and tears burned in my eyes and everything hurting...so much. I couldn’t move, my lips were bloody and numb, I was sure that my body was badly hurt, something had to be broken, but before I could figure out what, my eyes closed and I didn’t bother fighting to keep them open.

 

“Gerard! Oh, thank God, you’re still breathing. Gerard, Gerard.” Who was sobbing? “Please don’t! Please don’t, just please get us to the hotel.” Muffled voices, quiet. “Gerard? Can you hear me?” Yes, I could hear just fine, but who did that voice belong to? My head throbbed, it ached so badly, and the occasional bump as we hit something against the road only made my body spasm and my headache worse. “Please. We need to get to a hotel and we’ll be fine. Please, sir.” A few grunts and then a quiet agreement.

 

By the time I woke up, it was early, early in the morning. There was the boy next to me, sleeping soundly, with regular clothes on. I tried to move, but my body ached. I looked at my body without moving much, and couldn’t see the worst of it, but I could notice burns, scratches, and marks on my already scarred knees, ankles, and my waist.

“Frank,” I whispered. “You’re still here. Frank.” I forced my arm up and wrapped it around him, giving him a gentle kiss on the forehead and realized that I only had a shirt and boxers on. “I’m so sorry Frank. I never want to hurt you.” Frank’s eyes fluttered open, and they widened when he noticed that I was awake.

 

“Gerard! Shit, don’t ever do that to me again.” He got up and went to the bathroom where he came back with a brown bottle of hydrogen peroxide and started to pour them on my wounds. “What the hell is wrong with you, Gerard? What you did was so messed up.” My leg moved (which made the pain even worse) as the stinging liquid went on my wounds. I could tell that he was clearly angry with me, but he was more happy that I was alive after he saw the fall I had taken.

 

There was a long cut on the side of my forehead that stung the most when hydrogen peroxide was applied. “Ah,” I groaned. “Fuck, it hurts.” Frank glared, bandaging the cuts and letting me rest.

 

“It’s Sunday, Gerard. We can’t get you places with your body like this.” I tried to protest, but he cut me off. “I’m not letting your body get any worse if we make it get around everywhere. You need to rest. We’ll get to New York soon enough, we just need to let your body heal before that can happen. What were you thinking, jumping out of the car? Simon wasn’t hurting us!”

 

“What?” I sputtered. “You weren’t in the car with me when I jumped out. What are you talking about?”

 

“Gerard, Simon handed me six hundred dollars and while I put it in the bag, Simon started talking to you and then when I look back up, your side of the car door is open and you’re on the side of the road. Gerard, you worried me so much.”Frank looked at me, bewildered. I couldn’t believe this. I couldn’t believe that I had another vision after most of the time of being better, they came back, blending in so well with my reality. How would I be able to tell what was reality and what wasn’t? If I couldn’t get my visions under control, I could possibly be putting Frank’s life in danger.

 

“Oh, yeah. I remember.” I told him. “I’m sorry Frank, my memory’s a bit fuzzy right now.” He furrowed his eyebrow and looked at me, closely. He muttered something that I couldn’t hear, so I asked, “what did you say?”

 

“The hospital is looking like a better idea every minute, but I know that’s too much of a risk.” He rubbed some clear, cold gel onto my body. “Um, to get to the other scratches and stuff I’ll have to just -” he pulled at my shirt, careful not to hurt me, being so soft and gentle. I helped him with getting my shirt off, even though it hurt to move, and looked at the scratches on me and giant bruises that were dark blue and purple. He applied the cream and I shivered, the way his fingers ran over my chest and rubbed the cream in. “You don’t have any broken bones, thank God, just some sprains and bruises and cuts. It should heal in about a week. That means we’ll be in New York by next week and with Simon’s money, we’ll be good for a while.” 

 

“What are we going to do when we get to New York?” I asked Frank. 

 

“The plan is when we get to New York, we’ll find a hotel we can stay in for as long as we need to. We’ll need jobs, Gerard. I was thinking we could apply for some soon after we got to New York.” I nodded.

 

“Frank? Can you lay with me?” I asked quietly.

 

“I don’t want to hurt you, Gee! No!” Frank said quickly, inching farther away from me so he wouldn’t have to touch me. I pouted, then he gave in, with a smile and a giggle, he stayed right next to me and laid on my arm. “With the money Simon gave us, we should be able to stay here for a few more days, just so your body can heal a little bit longer.” While Frank went out to buy groceries, I stayed in bed because Frank didn’t see me fit to start walking around, although my cuts had scabbed up and all that really hurt was the bruises. Frank came in the door and the minute he did, he tripped, and they came falling to the floor. “Shit!” he cursed under his breath. I got up to help him, but Frank stopped me. “You need to stay in bed. You’re hurt!” He scrambled for the groceries while I walked over and leaned down to help him.

 

“I’m not helpless, Frank.” I said gently, taking some bags and setting them on the table. “You don’t have to treat me like a helpless kid just because I have some battle scars.” Frank looked at me anxiously as I leaned down and lifted the bags. “Really,” I laughed at his over-protectiveness. “You don’t need to worry about me, babe. I’m fine, see? I’m not moaning in pain. Don’t worry.” I finished helping him put the groceries away and doing some chores for him, then when we were both finished, I asked him to join me in bed. Frank disappeared into the bathroom then came out a minute later, his bare chest exposed. He had his clothes balled up in front of him to hide what was there. Frank grabbed a hotel towel then new clothes, and put his old clothes on the blanket.

 

I rolled over to his side of the bed and drifted off sleepily. When I turned toward the door, I noticed that it was open. I forced myself up and instead of going to bed, I decided to check out the hotel. I had been here for two days and hadn’t explored because me actually getting up was prohibited. I went down the hallway and passed a cleaning lady, a snack machine, and numbered doors. I started walking when someone bumped into me, an older guy who was taller than me. He had the start of stubble on his chin, blue eyes, and short brown hair. He was wearing an ACDC shirt along with pants that seemed to have been through years of abuse.

“Sorry,” I muttered. “I didn’t see where I was going.” This man looked at me with widened eyes as his whole face paled. “Are you all right, sir? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” The man’s lower lip started to tremble and he raised his fist, making it meet with my lower abdomen. 

 

“You son of a bitch,” he snarled. “I’ll kill you!” The man grabbed my shoulders and pushed me down. I lost balance and fell right on my back. “Where is he? Tell me! Where’s Frank?” I couldn’t, nor did I want to reply. I could be putting Frank in danger if I exposed where our room was. “Frank needed help and you took him away from that help.”

 

“DEREK!” Frank was holding my hand and pulling me up to my feet, and I could feel his wet hair on my skin. “Please don’t hurt Gerard, he’s already hurt enough.” Frank spoke firmly, pulling me behind him. “Right now, Gerard needs to lie down. His body needs to heal. If you want to talk to us, we’re in room 105. Come on, Gerard.”

 

I felt a sudden pull and turned to look. Derek, the stepfather, had tears in his eyes. He was holding on to Frank tightly. “Your mother and I were so scared, Frank,” he whispered. Frank slipped away, and held my hand all the way to our room.


	13. Chapter 13

“Are you okay?” Frank asked me. “Please tell me Derek didn’t hurt you badly.” 

“No, but are you okay, Frank? It seemed like a big shock that Derek was here. Do you wanna talk about it?”

“No,” he snapped. “I don’t need to talk about it. You need to focus on yourself right now. Are you hurt?” I shook my head. Derek’s punch had hurt when he gave me the blow, but now it was just an annoying ache. “I can’t believe he punched you. God, Gerard, do you know what this means? We have to get out of here tonight. Derek will tell them after today. I’ll have to go to my Dad’s and you’ll have to go to Gray Oak again.” The thought of returning to that white prison without Frank made me sick. 

“Frank,” I said weakly. “How do we know he won’t just call them right now? What if we only have a few minutes to be together?” I couldn’t stop, sobs were in the back of my throat, and they kept coming out. “Frank, I can’t let anyone take you away. I can’t lose you.” Frank started to cry, too, and I was filled with guilt, because if I had just stayed strong for him, I wouldn’t see tears dropping from his eyes to the bottom of his cheeks. I couldn’t stop my own tears. I grabbed his hand and pulled him on to me. We just laid there together, my arms around him, and let our tears fall. “I don’t want to lose you.” That made the wall Frank tried to build break. His crying was audible now, short quick breathless pants and whimpers. “Please don’t go. Please don’t leave me.” It was a pathetic attempt but I couldn’t do anything else except cry. My chest hurt like my heart was physically breaking. 

I held him, brushing his hair away from his face, while his tears soaked my shirt. The tears dried, and all I could do was listen to him cry. I pressed my lips to his cheek. I was afraid to say anything in case the tears came up again, which would probably happen. If I hadn’t walked out into the hallway, if I had listened to Frank when he told me to stay in bed, this wouldn’t have happened. 

Frank fell asleep, he was so emotionally exhausted that it wore him out. I watched him while he slept and when someone started to knock on the door, my heart stopped. I got up slowly, walking toward the door with heavy feet. I opened up to Derek, when I had been expecting a policeman or even Dr. Morrigan. He stood in the doorway and pushed past me, going over to Frank.

“Frank? We need to talk.” Frank’s eyes opened and he got up, then gave Derek a hug. 

“I’m sorry for what I did, Derek. I know that isn’t enough for the sick thing I did to you, but it’s all I can say. I did it because you were the only one who really cared about me. Mom was always gone and you and I had so much in common. You gave me the attention I wanted.” Frank took a breath, then whispered, “that’s what I’ve been wanting to say for you to a year now, but I never got the chance to in Gray Oak. You weren’t allowed to see me. Please, Derek, I won’t survive without Gerard. If I have to stay with Dad, I won’t handle it. I’m begging you, don’t reveal us.” Derek listened without interruption, and Frank made me sit down next to him.

He held my hand, right in front of Derek.

“Frank I can’t keep this a secret. I have to call Gray Oak and have them pick you up. As much as you don’t want to hear it, Gerard is dangerous. He’s sick, very sick, not as sick as you were Frank, but he’s dangerous. I have to do the right thing and have them get you.” I felt my heart sink. Frank was leaving me and I couldn’t stop it. I wished I was dead, I begged Michalis to come, I begged him to kill me. But he didn’t show up. “However,” Derek cleared his throat. “I can tell your mother that you need to stay at Gray Oak. That you’re not better.”

I looked at Frank’s stepfather and couldn’t believe what he told us. I was ninety percent sure my jaw dropped.

“You’d do that for me?” Frank asked. Derek nodded, and explained to him that he had been saving money up to pay for his stay, that Derek felt like Frank needed to be in Gray Oak longer. “Thank you,” Frank cried, hugging his stepfather to his chest. “This means so much.”

“Gerard,” he said. “You’re really close with Frank. I know that you two have a relationship. I want you to treat my son right, Gerard. I can see that he really cares about you, and I hope that you care about him. I will hunt you down if Frank is hurt because of you.” I nodded. Derek looked at me and if looks could kill, I’d be dead in a nanosecond.

“I understand. I don’t want to hurt Frank in any way, shape, or form. He means a lot to me.” Derek seemed pleased with my answer, then dialed something on his phone.

“Hello Dr. Morrigan. Yes, this is Derek, Frank’s stepfather. I found both Gerard and Frank.” I can hear that damned woman breathe a sigh of relief through the receiver. “Before I give you the location, I want to tell you what the deal between the three of us is.” Derek nodded, then continued. “The only reason Frank and Gerard escaped is only because of Frank’s father taking Frank away from Gray Oak, even though I believe Frank still requires treatment. So I would like to pay for his stay, and I ask that Gerard and Frank not be separated. Linda and I will be down to Gray Oak with Frank and Gerard in two hours.” Derek listened, then handed me the phone. “She wants to talk to you.”

“Gerard Arthur Way! I’ve been worried sick about you two, boy. I convinced Frank to take your medications with you, and I prayed for a miracle. Did you have any troubles while you were away?” Her voice felt like a source of comfort. I didn’t admit this to anyone, but I definitely missed my therapist. 

“I jumped out of a car,” I said honestly. “Got away with a few bruises and cuts. Nothing broken.” Derek gave me an uneasy look, but let it pass. “I’ll go check us out. Can you pack, Frank?” Frank nodded and asked Derek to help him, too. I went down to the desk and returned the room key and said we were checking out. When I returned, our bags were ready to go. Derek offered to carry them down after I doubled over in pain from too much weight on my back. I took the bag of food and then followed the two downstairs to Derek’s car this time. We piled our stuff into his car (along with his own luggage) and then we left. 

I hadn’t seen Frank’s house in quite some time. The last time I did he was robbing from it. The house was beautiful, more beautiful than my house could ever be. When Frank’s mom saw Frank, she started to cry and held him. 

“Don’t you scare us like that again!” she scolded. “Derek and I were worried, Frank! Where had you gone? Where were you going?” 

“I wanted to go to New York first, but I ended up thinking about Rhode Island.” Frank said. “Mom, I’m fine. The both of us are fine, and don’t be mad at Gerard, I was the one who came up with the idea to escape.” Frank’s mom looked at me and noticed that I was actually there for once. “We’re going back to Gray Oak, Mom. I’m not going to Dad. I hate him.” His mom was teary-eyed, but she nodded. “I’m not leaving Gerard.”

Frank and I returned to our room after Derek spoke to Frank privately. When Frank came back and joined me in our room, he was crying but this time, it was happy tears. He explained that Frank and Derek had a heart-to-heart, and that Derek forgave him for what he had done. “I’m proud of you Frank,” I hugged him and kissed his cheek. “I’ll be back in an hour, Dr. Morrigan wants to talk to me. And she wants to talk to you after my session.”

While Frank was in his session, I walked outside. People were whispering when they saw me. They were spreading rumors, and they snickered as they looked at me. Some actually came up to me, ones I’ve never seen before, and complimented me, because I had the guts to do what they wouldn’t. Raymond watched me like a total hawk and glares at me whenever we caught eyes. I looked at the tree Frank and I had used for our escape and noticed it was now a small, white stump. That way, no one would be tempted to escape the same way. There are other patients too, who figure out what I am, and I don’t even know what I am. I couldn’t tell them what my sexuality was, and all I knew is that I loved Frank, and he was my best friend. I would do absolutely anything for Frank, I would protect him, keep him safe, do anything in order to show him that I cared. He was my everything now and no one else mattered.

Frank and I laid in my bed together. Dr. Morrigan, although she can be such a bitch sometimes, excused us from activities that day. We needed some time alone. We needed time to adjust back to our hospital setting. I kissed him, his forehead, and then kiss moist cheeks. Frank was crying. 

“Frank,” I whispered. “It’s okay, Frank. Let it out. Let everything out.” He clung to my chest and cried, soaking my hospital shirt. 

“I tried to keep everything i-in.” Frank hiccupped, “it’s not working. I tried to keep in my tears, but I can’t. Everything has just been so overwhelming, Gerard. Sometimes it’s just too much,” he cried harder as he spoke. I gripped on to him. “You mean so much to me. I couldn’t lose you.”

I let him cry. “Frank,” I said quietly. “If we hadn’t gotten stuck in here together, do you really think we’d feel this way for each other, still?” Frank and I had met almost unwillingly. If things had been different, if Frank and I didn’t have the disorders we had, if we met one day, would we still love each other? Would it still be the same?

“If we had met in a different way, I’d still fall for you. I fell for you the second I laid eyes on you.” Frank answered, almost rudely. “My emotions for you would never change. You really mean a lot to me, Gerard. You’re important to me.” He kissed me, both our lips were chapped. I didn’t care if Dr. Morrigan or any of the other doctors or even the aids would poke in at any moment. Frank’s lips were sweet and soft. “You’re such a good kisser,” he whispered against my mouth. “I love kissing you. I love when we’re like this.” After we kissed, I pulled the covers over our heads. I laid on my pillow and pressed my hand against his neck. He looked at me intently, hazel eyes scanning my face, like he was looking at me for the first time. “You’re so pretty,” he giggled after a minute. “I love your hair and your eyes and that smile.” Frank leaned toward me to give me a quick peck on the lips. 

“Close your eyes,” I whispered suddenly. Frank gave me a weird look, but I smiled and repeated, “Frank, just close your eyes for God’s sake.” He did, closing his eyes to expose his eyelids. I pressed a soft, tiny kiss on both of them. “Keep them closed.” I told him, and he smiled. I kissed him while he smiled, then touched his shirt, pressed my ear against his chest and heard the thumping of his heart. It almost pulled me into a trance, the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. I started to put my fingers under his shirt and feel his skin. I pressed my own fingers against his chest and could feel the beat. I kissed him again and told him he could open his eyes. “What’s your favorite color?” I asked him as he retreated back to his own bed. 

“I don’t know,” Frank laughed. “Maybe blue. Something like that. What about your favorite color, Gerard?” 

“Red, definitely red.” I answered instantly. “Red has always been my favorite color for some reason. It’s really pretty.” I turned to my side then said to the wall, “I’m going to sleep now, Frank. I’m really tired and today’s been so eventful.” 

“Goodnight, Gerard.” Frank yawned. “I heard they’re having good breakfast tomorrow. We should get to the hall early.” Then I was out, curled into a ball to reserve body heat, and fell asleep.

Frank and I had both woken up about the same time, before the aids told us it was breakfast time. There was no light, but it was early morning, and the darkness could be easily seen through the curtains. “Hey, Frank?” I whispered, afraid that someone else might hear me. Since the car incident, I had been paranoid that Michalis might show up any second. “You love Derek, don’t you?” I knew Frank was awake, but he turned on his side and faced the wall, and then tried to act like he had fallen asleep. My heart felt heavy, like someone had filled it with lead, and blinked away tears. After all Frank and I have been through together he still chose Derek over me. I wanted to tell Frank that I loved him, that maybe I really did, and that I was ready to fall in love, but now that there was that unsettling feeling in the bottom of my stomach that his feelings were not returned, I chewed on my tongue to hold back the poisonous words. 

I loved Frank, didn’t I, or was this just getting out of hand? I had never felt love before, only for Mikey, only for family, what exactly could I compare the way I felt about Frank to? Frank, that damned boy, he makes me feel alive. He makes me feel, in general. Before he came, I had never felt attracted to, or jealous of anybody. Then Frank walks in one day with a smile (that smile could kill me) and this sort of confident look on his face. Damn that beautiful boy. I get up off my bed and right when I leaned down to kiss his cheek, light poured in. “I don’t care if you’re awake or not. I love you, Frank. You make me feel alive.” I said into his ear.

He stood still, not even moving an inch, not even breathing, then I returned to my bed and laid face-down so my face was buried in pillow. I didn’t sob, I just let the warm liquid run down my eyes and stain my pillow, and they just kept coming. The pain felt almost unbearable. If I could, I would scratch at my chest and try to rid myself of my heart. Every beat my heart made sent a wave of pain throughout my entire body.

“I love Derek, but not in the way you think.” Frank told me. “Before I started to take my meds, I craved for affection, and he gave me that. He paid attention to me. I thought I wanted him, but he’s merely a father figure in my life now.” Frank didn’t say anything else. He kept quiet, and maybe it was better that way, for the both of us. We stayed silent together in the new morning light.

“Gerard!” Mom called exasperatedly. “Oh, Gerard, your father and I have been worried about you. The minute we heard Dr. Morrigan’s voicemail, we drove over as soon as we possibly could.” My father’s shoulders were tensed up, he obviously wasn’t happy to be here, after all. This was the first time he visited me in Gray Oak, too. What an asshole. Mom cupped my cheeks in her hands and started to kiss my forehead and my nose and whatever else she could get her lips on. “Are you okay, baby? You aren’t hurt, are you?” I shook my head. I was watching Dad, every glare he shot me. By the time Mom was done talking, I counted, and Dad had sent me five glares. “Listen baby we’re sorry, but you were uh..gone while it was your birthday. Fetch his present, will you? Happy 19th birthday, Gerard.” Dad retreated to the car and handed me the present, careful not to touch my skin. “Go ahead,” Mom insisted. “Open it!” I did, unwrapping a set of new brushes and paint. I gave Mom a hug, and almost did with Dad too, but he flinched, avoiding my touch.

“Don’t touch me!” he hissed. “The only reason I came here was to explain some very simple things to you, Gerard.”

“Don’t do this, not here,” Mom said quietly, close to tears. “We just got our son back. You can’t drive him away. He’s our son!” 

“Maybe he’s your son, but he’s definitely not mine!” Dad spit out. “We heard about you and your little boyfriend,” Dad said, almost mockingly. “We didn’t raise you that way, Gerard. When you get out of this place, you are not welcome in our home, unless you decide to drop this homosexual act and be normal, you can come back.” I hate the way Dad said homosexual, like it was a dirty disease, like AIDS or something. Something beautiful that Frank and I have (or might not have) couldn’t be dirty. Not ever. “You’ll rot in hell if you like boys, Gerard. That’s the way it is. You aren’t my son until you can tell your family that you are straight. Talk to your therapist about this, maybe she can cure you. God knows we need her to.” 

I wanted to say something rude to him, wanted to cuss him out until I could see the veins popping out of his forehead, but I just remained silent. I nodded, put the gift to the side, and then hugged Mom. I didn’t bother looking at this man, he wasn’t important in my life. Only people who cared mattered, and if Dad would never get over me liking and maybe even loving Frank, then that was his own fault. I carried my gift and walked to my room, leaving the two behind. I joined Frank in the common room and wanted to touch him so badly. When we had run away together, I could touch him however and whenever I wanted, but now that we were in here again, plagued by rules and boundaries, it only made the craving stronger. Oh God, how I wanted to touch him. I sat next to him, watching the little TV, and just touched his fingers. I craved his touch, but this was all I could do for now. 

“Come on,” I said as an idea hit me. “Let’s go outside. I need fresh air.” Frank looked at me, like that was the oddest sentence I’ve ever uttered.

I started to walk outside, then when I felt the grass as I ripped them from the earth, I wanted to run. So I did, and Frank ran after me, and we ran, letting the oxygen fill both of our lungs. When I didn’t hear footsteps behind me, I turned around, and saw Frank on the ground. He had tripped on a rock and landed on the grass. “God, stupid rock,” he muttered. “Fuck that shit. I’m not running anymore.” I smirked, then jogged over to him.

I held out my hand for him to lift himself. “Take my hand,” I told him. “I’ll help you up.” Frank giggled, and I asked him, “What? Did I say something funny?”

“That was such a cliche thing to say!” he laughed. “‘Take my hand’, seriously, Gerard? You think we’re in some kind of movie?” I laughed too, the laughter felt good, like our worries were both being absorbed into the atmosphere above us, where they wouldn’t be crowded up in our bodies anymore. Our worries were casted into the blue sky. I lifted both my hands up high and just laughed, laughed until I ached.

Shelly beckoned me over, asking if I had taken my medication to which I replied, “I did. I took my medication. I’m actually happy for once!” She insisted I go back inside, and I did, though I missed the way the outside looked. I had never been an outside person, but being out there filled me with overwhelming adrenaline. I wanted to shout, I LOVE FRANK IERO! I’M GAY! and not think anything different, but that would most likely get me in trouble. I stayed quiet, and accidently began to think of what had happened that morning, the way Frank didn’t say that he loved me back. It made my happy mood take a turn for the worst. 

I started to think of the HBA, and what Michalis had told me in the car that night. Now it was only me and her, the man’s niece. My head started to pound, and he showed up, wearing a coat and jeans, glasses tilted down his face. “Hey, Mr. Way. It was unfortunate that you escaped from us. We would’ve assured Frank’s safety...now, now Mr. Leonard isn’t quite sure about you.” Michalis paused, his lips in the smallest smirk, “or your boyfriend, Frank. He thinks that by falling in love with Frank, you’ll blurt the secrets out without thinking. Maybe I need to dispose of him, Mr. Way, or you can blurt them out and die?” I swallowed, a hard lump in my throat. I shook my head.

“What are you getting at, Michalis?” I asked numbly, my throat completely dry. Michalis smiled and made a motion with his hand, beckoning me over. I followed him into an empty room, a storage closet, and he stood there, leaning on the wall, with a satisfied look. 

“I like you, Mr. Way. I think you have potential. I would hate to dispose of you, but Mr. Leonard fears that you’ll tell our secrets. I see it that you have two options: you may die by my hands, or you can get through this. My proposal is that you erase Frank from your life, and only for his and your own safety. Mr. Leonard wants to dispose of him for fear of you telling him about us, Mr. Way.” I weighed my options. I tried to think of a life without Frank in it. I sure as hell wouldn’t imagine it. I shook my head, no, I wouldn’t let him go. Not now, and not ever. Michalis nodded, before waving his hand away, and opening the door and leaving me in there. His voice was in my ear, sending chills up my spine, making my hair on my back raise. “You’ve got a death wish.”

I didn’t believe in love. That’s how I was before coming to Gray Oak, anyway. I didn’t believe in love. I watched my parents and knew that the way they acted, that wasn’t love. Love was an object. If being in love meant acting the way my parents did when they were at home together, then I didn’t want to be in love, especially if it meant I would fight with my spouse every night. No, love was not for me. After I had made a fool of myself by thinking that I could get a girlfriend, I drowned myself in my room, locked myself away, fixed myself on comic books and art. I thought girls were toxic. I thought boys were hell. I skipped school frequently and went to the comic store to get the newest addition. I could hear them snickering behind me, making comments with fake coughs, writing things on my locker that I would scrub off later. I could see her face as she asked me out as a joke.

I didn’t believe in love. I believed in something else. 

Frank was looking for me when I returned. He asked where I was, I simply lied and told him I was looking for him, and he gave me a funny look and laughed it off. I couldn’t tell if he knew past my lie, but I didn’t think about it. I’m sure he was skeptical. I yawned and went down to lunch, my palms sweaty, thinking about my conversation with Michalis. Had I just put Frank in grave danger? 

By thinking about my safety and Frank’s safety, I had ignored the way the patients gathered around, murmuring to themselves excitedly. I lifted myself up on my toes to see a new face: a short girl, shorter than Frank, with platinum blonde hair and deer eyes, carrying a bag and whispering to herself. She was thin and very little, face sunken in. I wanted to hear what she was muttering, so I inched closer. 

“Dad’s going to kill me, I know it. I lost the fucking machine now I can’t get home. And they think I’m a lunatic. What twits.” I smiled to myself and laughed out loud, where she jumped and glared at me. “I miss home. How are they going to react when they notice that I took the machine? If only I would’ve gotten to grandpa’s before this happened. He would’ve been freaked out, but I would have had a place to stay.” I tuned her out.

“So what’s up with her?” Frank asked, then put a hand over his mouth. “That’s rude to ask, and it was rude for you to listen in on her!” He nearly smacked me up on the top of my head. Frank smiled for a quick second, then told me, “I can’t help it. What did you hear?”

“Nothing important,” I answered. “Just another person locked up in here like the rest of us.” 

When it’s lunch time, Frank is the one who walks over to the new girl, and offers to let her sit with us. When she walks with Frank, she scowled at me. Obviously she remembered me from the laughing incident. Instead of letting us be, Frank asked her questions.

“What’s your name?” he asked in the most politest way possible.

“Aurora,” she said and chomped on a piece of lettuce.

“How old are you?” 

“I just turned sixteen, but you’re all older than me.”

“Yeah,” Frank said carefully. “I’m turning seventeen on Halloween, and this guy here is nineteen. So, do you live around here, Aurora?” She doesn’t answer right away, she focused on chewing on her salad, and swallowed slowly, like it pained her.

“New Jersey is different.” Aurora answered. “It’s small.” She didn’t even answer Frank’s question, originally, so he twiddled with his thumbs anxiously, trying to think of something to say. He gave me a look, but I just mouthed, You brought her here and continued eating. I wasn’t interested in this conversation, and I felt like she was invading our space.

“So you’re not from around here?” Frank asked nervously. Aurora shook her head.

“I’ve lived in New Jersey all my life. It’s just different here. I was born in the year 2088. It’s different from what I’m used to, but by the time my family finds out I’m gone, then they’ll get me out of here.” Frank and I looked at each other. This girl thought she was from the future. I hid my snicker and swallowed water.

“Sorry, guys. I have to call my grandfather and explain my situation to him. Hopefully he won’t be freaked out.” She walked away, taking her tray with her. While Frank had gone to shower, Aurora pulled me to the storage closet, hands around my neck. Her lips were so close to my face, I could see them clearly. “Listen to me,” she said. “I’m different, obviously. I lied about being here because I’m from the future. I can see the future, in a way, and the moment I looked into your eyes and the other boy’s eyes…your future is intertwined with his.”

I knew she couldn’t really see the future, that was just how some nutjobs here were, but that made my heart beat faster. I could imagine Frank and I years from now, like the dream I had, happy, free, safe, loved. “Can you tell me more?” I whispered. “Please? I want to know.” She closed her eyes, brushed hair from her face. 

“It’s terrible, hazel eyes. Terrible.” Aurora opened them, giant in the space between us. I could see the tears in them, glistening. “There’s...so much pain and hurt, and betrayal. Hazel eyes, you have to change your future. Oh, God,” she put her hand over her mouth. “Jesus.”

“What?” I asked, feeling nervous. The way her voice cracked, it must have been pretty terrible.

“Oh God, screaming. Sirens. Oh, Jesus.” She started to cry, then forced herself out of the trance. “That was terrible. I can’t tell you any more.”

I pushed her against the wall and raised my voice. “Tell me what you saw!”

“Are you Gerard or Frank, hazel eyes?”

“I’m Gerard Way.” Aurora gave me a look filled to the brim with pity, then slowly unclenched my hands. “Does something happen to Frank?” Aurora opened the door, and was met with Frank’s concerned face. He looked from the two of us, first at me, then at her. Something clicked inside him, he turned around, and ran. “Frank!” I yelled after him. “Wait, Frank!” I started to run, but that boy was fast, he was down the hall.

“Gerard,” Dr. Morrigan said sternly. “Don’t run here! You could hurt yourself or someone else!” I slowed down, but tried to keep my eyes on him, tried to focus on the tip of his head at the end of the hallway. He made a turn and I followed behind him, he was still jogging at a moderately fast pace. I was only a few steps behind him. 

“Frank,” I said breathlessly, grabbing his shoulder. He had made it to our room and right before Frank sat down I had grabbed him. “Frank, look at me.” He looked down, hair in his face. “Look at me, Frank Iero.” He looked up, eyes tear-filled and mouth in a scowl. “It wasn’t what you think, Frank. She wanted to tell me about our future, together, and no, I don’t mean Aurora’s future and mine. Ours, Frank. Aurora told me she can see the future.” Frank looked doubtful, but wiped his eyes. “I love you, Frank. You’re the only person who matters in my life now.” I kissed him, his lips so comforting.

Aurora sat with us again, and she held Frank’s hand tightly, and my own, too. “I’m sure your lover has told you everything.” She told Frank suddenly. Frank looked uncomfortable but shrugged. “Don’t worry,” she smiled. “Homosexuality isn’t something I’m bothered with, actually. In about twenty years the rest of the states will come around, and it’ll be legalized.” She ate dinner with us, then waited by our room in the morning, and went to breakfast with us. I wasn’t all that bothered by her. I guess one might think that Aurora is my friend, but I don’t think so. I think I mainly put up with her because she amuses me. Before Frank and I dig into our food, Aurora holds my left hand, and Frank’s right. She doesn’t tell us anything, just squeezes our hands for a second, then lets go. “May God be with you,” Aurora whispered to herself.

Frank joined me in my bed the night one of the patients went overboard. He had banged his hands against the walls and opened up the doors. He shouted curses in the rooms. When he saw us, he screamed until his throat went raw.

Before the doctors and aids could find him, Frank went to his own bed. The man was still screaming, pointing a shaky finger at us and trying to make words with his mouth. “Matthias, Matthias!” One of the doctors, a male one, said to him. “What happened? Matthias!” He was pulled away, thrashing violently, and that night, I barely got any sleep. My mind went to Matthias, and I wondered why he was exactly here, what had caused him to completely lose it, why he was in here in the first place.

“Gerard?” Frank whispered.

I didn’t know why, but I ignored him, trying to keep a steady rhythm on my chest. I pretended like I was asleep, and Frank stayed quiet, I knew he was awake, though. I hoped that I wasn’t so transparent. I heard a familiar noise that made my heart ache: Frank was crying, and I wasn’t sure of the reason. I didn’t move, I listened to him cry. A few minutes clocked away before his muffled weeping turned into sniffling. I heard Frank wipe his nose, his eyes, and stopped sniffling. It took him an hour before he could fall into sleep. I pulled up my blanket up over my head, flattened my hair, and turned over on the other side so I could see Frank just right if I poked my head through my blanket. My head stayed underneath the blanket and I could feel the heat radiating through my entire body. I feared that if I pulled my blanket off, Frank would see me, and then I’d have to deal with questions when I didn’t even know the answers myself.

 

“Good morning, Gee.” Frank kissed my cheek, and a small feeling in my stomach returned. It gave me a warm feeling inside. “Did you sleep well?” I nodded, and pecked him on the cheek. My lips felt dry and cracked. “Oh, hi, Aurora.” Frank said suddenly, nearly running into her, but she backed away seconds before she could be hit. “Are you joining us for breakfast again?” He smiled at her, more like a little devilish grin, and she smiled back.

“Of course, Frank,” she replied quickly, taking his hand. “That Matthias guy was pretty scary. He screamed at me and kept moving down the hall.” I nodded in agreement, then Frank cut her off while she was still talking, but it felt like what she was saying was going to be important. 

“Gross, they brought those weird waffles. They taste like salty crackers.” Frank made a fake gagging sound to us and Aurora laughed. When she laughed, she closed her inky eyes and nearly threw her head back, her whole body trembling with laughter. I watched desperately as the last person took cereal, and I was forced to eat the cardboard waffles. I took three packets of maple syrup and a glass of orange juice. The juice tasted sour, the syrup just tasted like sugar, and the waffles were hard and cold. I worked on cutting my food into bite-sized pieces, then Aurora said, “we need to talk.” Her eyes were glassy and glazed over, a sad, pitiful smile on her face. “Not with Frank around, though. This is important.” Anxiety filled me up, and I nearly start chewing on my fingernails. I wondered what we were going to talk about, and though it hurt me to admit, I was intimidated by her. I had never been scared of anyone before, and yet, here she was, nearly making me piss my pants. It was just the way those black eyes had looked at me the other day, and the way her voice was, it made me feel sick. I shook my head, refusing her offer. I didn’t want to hear what she had to say, how it cracked while she was in the middle of a sentence. “God, you’re stubborn,” she complained. “Come on. While Frank meets with that doctor lady. I forgot her name already,” she paused. “Dr. Morgan? We can talk then.”

“It’s Morrigan,” I corrected her. “You’re seeing her, too?”

“She is the main doctor on this floor, isn’t she?” Aurora asked as she took a bite and made a sour face. “So, Gerard, how long have you and Frank been together?”

I looked down at my shoes and mumbled, “we’re not really together.”

“You’re such a mendacious person!” she exclaimed, smiling. “You look at him like he’s the only person in the world. It’s intoxicating.” Frank joined us again and we all walked to the common room, together. The air was muggy, and I could feel the heat in the air. An unrecognizable smell hit me, then Aurora exclaimed, “chocolate!” We walked over to Benny, where he was handing out small, dark squares. The boy in front of me took one, and it was the same color as his skin. I took one and smelled it. It was very dark and hard almost black, with a silky sheen. It was dense, and I nibbled a corner. It tasted like dirt. My eyes watered when it hit the back of my throat. I licked my lips and ran my tongue over my teeth. Aurora’s face was simply crestfallen, and I touched her shoulder to see if she was okay. She kept her eyes closed and nodded gingerly. 

I turned toward Frank, and his finger met my cheek. I felt something sticky, then rubbed with my pointer finger the spot he had touched me. I could see the dark, melted chocolate; I smirked and licked my finger. Frank blushed then looked down with a coy smile. 

Aurora pulled me away into the storage closet. She put her finger to my lips when I yelped as she tugged me in. “Shh,” she hushed. “Be quiet.” 

“What are you doing? I told you I didn’t want to talk to you!” I whispered, furiously. Aurora pouted, exploiting the whole self-pity act that most patients got when they first get here. It didn’t work on me, nor the doctors and assistants, so there was no way that I would fall for a dumb thing like that. I looked at her and waited, waited for her to do or say something. 

“Gerard,” she whispered. Her face was close to mine, I could count the small light brown dots on her cheeks. She leaned forward and pressed her lips against my own. I pulled back and almost slapped her.

“What do you think you’re doing?” I gritted out and felt complete fury all over my body. 

She stayed quiet. “I told you that you were with Frank. Don’t try to deny it.” 

“I’m not with Frank,” I whispered. 

“Yeah, you are,” she said sharply. “If you aren’t, then prove it to me. Kiss me this time.”

I waited for the shock to wear off. I held my breath then released it. Aurora gave me a look, raised her eyebrow. What are you going to do? It was like she was testing me, seeing my limits. I pushed her away from me and it didn’t even matter that she lost her balance and hit the ground with a large thump; I couldn’t be near her. I went into the room and waited patiently for Frank, because he was still in his session.

He came in and immediately asked, “are you okay, Gerard? You look really pale and sick.” I nodded my head and walked over to him, then wrapped my arms around his neck. “Gerard?” he questioned, looking at me. “Be honest. Are you really okay?” I kissed him, hoping to ignore the way Aurora’s lips felt on mine, but it was hard to ignore. 

“I love you, Frank.” I whispered. 

He smiled and kissed me back, this time sweet and small. “Gerard,” he said. “I was thinking about how we’ve been taking things pretty slow and stuff...and I...I was thinking…” he blushed, his entire face red. I urged him on, because I wasn’t completely sure what he was asking. “Well, that we could…” he looked at me expectantly, like he hoped I was catching on. “Never mind,” he said, frustrated. “I don’t want to do it here anyway. I want it to be special with you.” Oh, he was offering sex. My cheeks turned fiery red. I kissed him carefully, trying not to instigate anything per say, just let him know that I wanted it to be special, too. I kissed him on the nose, and his forehead. 

“We won’t have sex unless you’re eighteen, Frankie.” I answered. “That gives us enough time, and if we’re not ready then, we’ll wait.” Benny poked his head in, and gestured for me to come out. I followed and was met with a grim face, but, a familiar one.

His hair was practically a bird’s nest by now. His oily, smudged glasses rested upon his oily face. He was in one of his ill-fitting T-shirts, a Motorhead one that worn out over the years. I grinned, grabbing him into a big, crushing bear-hug. “Gerard,” Mikey gasped, “you’re crushing me! I can’t breathe!” I released him and he pushed his glasses up with his ring finger. “Mom dropped me off here. Dad doesn’t know I’m here though, he’s at work, still. He got fired from the job he was at when you guys came to the house.” Mikey smiled, but it kind of had this twisted way to it. “How are you and Frank?” he asked as we walked to the visitor room. 

I decided to tell Mikey, he was my little brother and my best friend, he would understand.

“This new girl came,” I whispered, then cleared my throat. “Aurora. She told me she could see the future,” he widened his eyes at that, but I continued, “that part really isn’t important, though. She kissed me, Mikey, all because I couldn’t admit my feelings about Frank to her directly. I don’t know why I can’t. He’s my boyfriend, I care about him a lot, but I can’t admit to her that I love him? What if I messed things up?”

Mikey crinkled his eyes, staring at me through large lenses. “Maybe you’re pushing things too fast, Gerard. It could be possible that you don’t really love him, it’s just the circumstances that you two are in.” Mikey looked at the setting around us: white walls, patients in every corner, late doctors to rushing appointment sessions, stoney-eyed faces of parents, friends, and lovers. “I mean, do you really think that you and Frank would even get along if you weren’t stuck in here? Think about it for a second.” Mikey looked at me with a soft, subtle look in his eyes, the wisdom in them so advanced that I myself probably wouldn’t be able to comprehend. “You could be tricking yourself into thinking that you really love him when you don’t.” He shrugged his shoulders, counted the tiles on the table, then added, “what do I really know? If your feelings for him are genuine, then you should be able to know that. Or do you have feelings for that Aurora girl?”

I can’t believe Mikey would say that, let alone think that. “No,” I exclaimed, projecting more of my anger on him rather than me. “That girl disgusts me. I think she’s a home-wrecker. I mean, she obviously knew that Frank and I were together, but she kissed me anyway.” Mikey tried not to look offended, but his hurt face showed right through. “Mikey,” I said. “I do know this: No matter how Frank and I met, even if we had met in a different place, in a different year, a different way, though we wouldn’t be going through the same things as we do now, I’d still adore him. I’d still love him.”

Dread was on my shoulders like cement blocks as I realized, had I told Mikey the truth? Were my feelings really genuine, like he had said?

Mikey looked at the time, then muttered, “shit. I’m late, Gerard, I have to meet up with Bob and Brian in thirty minutes. Hang in there,” he said, though he was obviously uncomfortable. “I hope things clear up for you and Frank.” Mikey leaned in for a hug, and I hugged him closely. “I’ll visit next time Dad is out. He doesn’t want us visiting, but you’re my brother. It’s kind of my job.” He smiled, then gave me a hug, three seconds long. Mikey waved, then started to walk, and I stared at him until he disappeared from sight. 

“Was that Mikey? I think I recognized his voice.” Frank was laying on the bed, his face covered by an opened paperback. I walked over to him, grabbed the book from off his face, and looked at him. I nodded and he smiled, pushing himself up and he kissed me. I wanted to stay frozen this way forever, just feel the spark of his sweet lips against my own, touch his forearm, his shoulder, his neck, feel him breathing. 

If I had feelings for Aurora, then how come when she kissed me, I didn’t feel a single thing, only disgust? With Frank, I felt desire, pleasure, and love. He made everything on my body feel like needles were being pricked into my skin and alive, especially. Frank made me feel alive every day.

He pulled away, giving me a giant smile. “Gerard?” he whispered, for there was no need to speak clearly, we were so close.

“Yeah?” I whispered back, staying quiet.

“I think I love you.” Frank whispered, then kissed me again.


	14. Chapter 14

My heart soared, literally. I had never felt such happiness before, not with anything, nothing ever could compare to the way his lips moved when he said I love you and I wanted to memorize it, so I let my tongue explore his lips. I didn’t want to say anything, I didn’t want to ruin the quiet, thoughtful space between us. We didn’t have to say anything, it seemed like everything that needed to be said had already been said, and there was nothing else to tell each other. 

“Are you guys ready for lunch?” Aurora skipped in. She caught us with our faces an inch apart. Frank looked at her slowly, stared at her straight-on, then shook his head.

“No,” he said gruffly. “We’ll meet you down there.” Aurora giggled nervously, then went to get lunch. He looked at me, and laughed. “Your face is so pink - Jesus, Gerard, you get embarrassed easily!” I covered my cheeks with my hands and buried myself in my knees. “You’re so cute.” Frank pecked my cheek (or at least tried to, my face was hidden by my knees still). 

“Let’s just go down to lunch,” I grumbled. “I’m not cute. I’m manly.” Frank smirked at me when I muttered that under my breath, then squeezed my hand. We got our lunches, and met with Aurora at the table. I gulped down my water almost instantly, setting the plastic cup down with a satisfied sigh. 

“What happened to your arm?” Frank pointed out, and when I looked, I saw a dark red line on her arm. “Did you get hurt?” Aurora was silent, and then looked down at the mark and rubbed it tenderly.

“No,” Aurora told him instantly. “It doesn’t hurt all that much now. I tripped and fell while I was outside. Knowing my luck, by tomorrow morning I’ll have a giant bruise. It already hurts when I touch it.” Aurora pressed her thumb against the mark and cursed. “It was stupid, I fell and landed on the ground, I didn’t really notice it until now. I’m gonna be bothered by it.” She continued pressing her thumb against the red line. “I know, I shouldn’t touch it. It’ll only hurt me, but I don’t know. I like feeling and looking at bruises.”

Michalis stood next to her, a cell-phone in his hand. “Want me to dispose of Aurora Wood?” he asked, smiling. “I’m here to serve, Mr. Way.” I shook my head. “Oh?” he smirked. “You want her to continue kissing you? Acting like you and Mr. Iero are nothing?” I looked at her, remembered that satisfied grin she wore when she kissed me. I slowly nodded, I mean, wouldn’t it be better if she were gone? 

He took out a pocket knife, the blade’s edge sharp and shining, then put it to her neck. “No!” I yelled. I hadn’t meant for him to kill her! I ran toward him, took the knife, and ended up on top of Aurora with the knife in my hand. “Michalis,” I growled. “Go.”

“Gerard!” I heard someone yell. I was being lifted off of Aurora’s shocked face, tears running down her cheeks and gathering on her chin. George and Ben were gripping on to me, a death-lock. The plastic utensil was in my hand, aiming for Aurora’s throat. Ben grabbed the utensil from me and threw it in the trash can. “Come on, Gerard,” George said. “We’re going to talk to Dr. Morrigan.” I was dragged out, leaving Frank’s worried face behind, but the worry was not directed at me. I thought, quickly, that Frank was scared of me, even though there was nothing to be scared of with me.

Dr. Morrigan was not in her office, not at a meeting, so Ben called her. They talked for a second while George grabbed on to me, making sure I didn’t get loose and act crazy again.

“She instructed Gerard be placed in the cell until further notice. When she gets back, she will contact him, privately.” Ben looked warily at me, then whispered something to George, but I heard it, and it made me sick.

“She wants to put him in a Posey, extra restraint.” 

When I got out, I planned on murdering Dr. Morrigan. Her blood will be on my hands. Who did she think she was?

At first, being in the straitjacket bothered me, but it just felt like sleeping without being able to move my arms. I went to sleep for who knows how long, but I couldn’t believe I was stuck in here again, stuck with only pillowy walls as my company. No HBA dared to enter here, so I wasn’t even bothered with meek annoyances. The only highlight in my day was the little tray being distributed to me along with an aid, but I died when they had to feed me themselves with plastic spoons. 

This time, Dr. Morrigan brought me the food. She sat down, legs crossed, as she puts the tray between us. She disgusted me. I wouldn’t hate her so much if only she had just locked me in here, it was unnecessary for me to wear one of these jackets, I wouldn’t hurt myself, or anyone else. She leaned forward, grabbed the fork, and cut off a bite-sized piece. “Come on, Gerard,” she beckoned me closer. “You need to eat, and we need to talk.” I ate slowly, feeling food in my stomach made me stronger inside. “I can stay here all day,” Dr. Morrigan said coldly. “I can have one of the other doctors take in my patients until we’re done here.” Dr. Morrigan had no heart. Instead, there was a dark, black hole, that sucked life out of anything when Dr. Morrigan gave her death glares to others. 

“I don’t want to talk to you,” I said venomously. “You stuck me in here, again, and I’m not even that bad! I hate you, you soulless witch.” She didn’t react the way I wanted her to, a calm face, calm hands, as she put the fork to my mouth again. Dr. Morrigan didn’t even give a glare.

“You threatened Aurora with a plastic fork,” Dr. Morrigan said softly. “I don’t believe you’ll hurt anyone, not on purpose, for that matter. However, I had to give you some kind of punishment so you can reflect on your behavior and your actions. Forgive me, Gerard, but I did what was best. I couldn’t have you walking around our facility like that.”

I grimaced, refusing another bite of food. “I’m sorry for what I did,” I mumbled. “Can I get out of here now?”

“Eat,” Dr. Morrigan told me, “and I’ll consider getting the release date shortened.” I looked down at the floor and shook my head. “Don’t make me force the food down your throat, Gerard.” She scolded and brought the fork to my lips. I ate it without hesitation, I couldn’t have her lose her patience with me, the way she gave me an evil look, one worse than a death glare. The room felt cold, and I could almost feel goosebumps, but I couldn’t see them, under the thing that was restraining me from moving my arms. Dr. Morrigan set the fork down on the plate of my finished meal, although I didn’t remember any tastes, or smells. They doped me up on drugs before they got me in this thing because I felt a panic attack in me from being unable to move. “Gerard,” she said gently. “Frank misses you. You need to be on your best behavior so you can get out of here and be with him. He’s asked me, but I’ve only told him you were still in the ward.” I looked up, my eyes hopeful at the mention of him, and nodded, understandingly.

I rested on my back the next day, bored out of my mind, yawning constantly. It was hard to sleep, honestly, at night the walls seemed to be closing in on me, but I survived through it. I walked with my shoulders slumped, only keeping eyes on the tiles, and made my way to lunch, to my table, and to Frank. I did miss him, after all, didn’t I?

“Gerard!” Frank exclaimed, nearly running over to me. This is where normal couples would have kissed or hugged after being alone for so long, but by staying here, in this place, we couldn’t touch. Frank realized this, and awkwardly pressed his hand up to his neck and rubbed it absentmindedly. “I missed you. A lot.” 

“I missed you, too.” I whispered. “Is Aurora okay?” Frank looked away, I thought he was looking at nothing, but he was actually staring at something, his brow furrowed, light sweat gathering on his hairline. I noticed that he was looking at Aurora, a bright, smiling Aurora, laughing with other patients. She looked happy, like she was at peace, so I let her be, and ate my lunch with Frank. We didn’t talk about what happened inside those walls, we didn’t talk about where I had gone and what I went through. Frank asked, but I shooed his questions away. We ate, talked, and I even laughed when Frank made a small joke about one of the patients who had gone out of his mind while I was away, and it was like I was never even gone in the first place. Frank and I desperately wanted to touch, especially in the common room, but there were aids everywhere, paying special attention to me. 

Frank jumped in his seat when he heard a loud yelp, but regained his calm and focused on the television that was in front of us. While Ben called for shower time, I tried to enjoy the chilly water for as long as I could. It wasn’t the warmest, but it was as close as I could get. By the time I got out, my body quivered and shook, and I retreated back to the room to get under the covers. Michalis stood there, his gloves bright red. “Gerard,” he said coolly. While he talked, he walked over to me and held out one red, dripping finger to me. “Gerard, Gerard, Gerard.” Michalis smiled, his teeth extra pointy, running a finger across my cheek, starting at the corner of my lip. “Hello again, Gerard.”

“Whose blood does that belong to?” I asked, afraid, yet relieved, all at the same time. If Michalis got blood on his hands, then I would be the last one with the secrets, wouldn’t I? I would have survived the HBA project. I didn’t have to live in fear of the organization anymore, as I watched blood drip from his gloves.

“I wasn’t very careful with locks this morning,” Michalis said simply. “Some teens found our building, I disposed of them. It was just a small mistake of mine. I decided to paint your face with some color.” Michalis grinned, his teeth large, and I touched the line that he had made on my face with the blood, and noticed that it was curved, like I had a smile on, made of someone else’s blood. “It seems very fit. Red on your white face.” Michalis laughed, getting rid of his gloves, showing horrible, thin fingers. They were white and clean and pure, the nails did not have a single flaw on them. “I’m quite lucky to be a part of such an interesting organization. When I was a child, Mr. Leonard blessed me with his presence. I was minutes, maybe even seconds away from death. He offered me the same contract I offered you months ago, of course, after a call to an emergency room.”

I could hear Frank, he hummed happily, moving quickly to the next room. Michalis waved goodbye, then walked out the door. I quickly rubbed at the blood on my face and smiled at Frank when he came in, all bright doe eyes and pink lips. I grabbed him, pulling him closer to me, and kissed him, hungrily. “You’re beautiful,” I wanted to say to him over and over again. I looked at him, his eyes were closed, kissing me back, and I wanted him to look that way every day. “Frank?” I whispered, and he mumbled something against my lips, I held him tighter. “Frankie, I love you.” I kissed his forehead. How was someone so beautiful with someone like me? I had to be one of the luckiest guys in the world. I was the luckiest guy. Frank was beautiful, and he was smart, and he was everything I had ever wanted, even if I didn’t realize it. I didn’t let him go until he struggled against my arms. I removed myself from him and walked down to dinner, his kiss memorizing. For a quick second, I remembered Aurora, and her “vision” about Frank and I. What had happened to me? Frank? Us?

Aurora was discharged before dinner time. She didn’t bother saying goodbye to us, for there really wasn’t any reason to. The food was hot, too hot, and as my mind ran away, I brought myself back with a burned, numb tongue. I wished I had asked Aurora what her vision meant before she left, but she didn’t bother speaking to me. I had probably scarred her, made her unable to trust me.

I’m a monster, a terrible one. If I hurt Frank, in any way, I would never forgive myself.

I’d be a monster.

I cared about Aurora, in a way, almost like a distant sibling, because she warned me about hurting him, and God, I never wanted to do that. I loved him, loved Frank dearly; with all my heart, he’s one person I would spend forever with. I would follow him into the depths of hell if it made him smile, and I would do so without hesitation. I loved that boy, and I convinced myself I always would. His lips against mine sent me into a daze. I nearly nuzzled my neck into his before realizing again, that we were in public, and a public place like Gray Oak did not allow touching, so I just awkwardly sat down next to him, with this big, positively goofy smile on my face. “Frank?” I whispered, smiling. “I love you!” He giggled and hid his blushing face into his napkin. I would never hurt that boy. I quickly ruffled his hair, giving Ray an innocent look as I returned to my food. 

Frank kissed me, pushing me up against the wall in the bathroom of a shower, his lips cool and slimy with his saliva, which made me laugh, not even a laugh, just a small hint of breath through my nose. I grabbed his wrist, pulled him over so his back was against the wall, and kissed him, our kisses getting longer, and hotter, too, my body feeling alive with electricity, and I wanted this to go farther until we couldn’t go anymore. My lips grazed into his neck, sucking, until I could feel a hickey forming on his skin. From me. I smirked and felt a small amount of pride at the way he whimpered as I continued biting. He stopped me. “They’ll see.” I backed him into a grimey stall next to mold-colored showers and locked the door. Thank God, these people had no cameras in here, they respected the smallest amount of privacy.

This frightened me, and I looked up at him, almost with uncertainty and he was looking at me with red, red cheeks. “Are you okay?” I asked, and he took a moment before shaking his head. “What’s wrong?” I asked him sweetly, trying to be as kind as I could without sounding like an animal with desire.

“I don’t want to do it. Not here.” Frank whispered, so quiet and nearly incoherent. “I want it to be special. Not in a place...like this.” I backed away, let him fix himself up, and kissed him gently. I ignored the tightness of my pants and noticed that Frank was quite uncomfortable, too, so I offered to let him sleep with me that night. He slept like a dog, curled up and burrowing his face into my neck.

Michalis came with a grimace, so I asked him that Sunday evening, “I want to know about your life. How you were as a child, how you joined the Organization in the first place.” Michalis smiled, showing the shark teeth I had grown so used to, then touched my mark, mumbled a date that I couldn’t comprehend, and the world went black on me.

I couldn’t notice Michalis right away, but a woman, tall and broad-shouldered, with a taller husband with a handle-bar mustache and dark, condescending eyes. The woman’s eyes were lighter, a color I couldn’t see, and they were walking to a tall building and I realized it was a orphanage, dark and dreary and depressing. The boy in the window looked out hopefully, a small Michalis, with happy eyes. He ran out and I followed him like in a video game, first person, and he went to go meet his new parents with a smile and with a tie on. “Are you ready to go, honey?” the woman asked gently, “do you want to say goodbye to your friends?” Michalis shook his head and nearly gripped onto his new mother’s hand. “”Let’s go then, Richard, I want to get to the house before the storm hits.” They got in the car but didn’t get very far to their new home. The sky was gray and dark and remnants of car pieces and bodies, so many bodies, were piled. There was the driver, Richard, the woman, and the driver of the other car along with his children. Michalis was strapped to the seat with blood dripping from his mouth and glass everywhere.

“Are you alive?” an older man asked, his silhouette closing in on Michalis. Michalis made a strange, guttural sound with his throat, and the man crouched down. “Call me Mr. Leonard, kid.” He grabbed the file that was next to him that he had gotten before he left the orphanage. “Michalis Smith, how about I make a contract with you, after I get the ambulance here.” Mr. Leonard made a phone call, hung up, and Michalis was being lifted onto a stretcher, rushed to the hospital. Mr. Leonard returned, then, sitting at the end of Michalis’ bed. “As I was saying, Michalis, I’d like to make a contract with you. First, let me ask you, if you could have anything in the world what would it be?”

“A family,” Michalis answered right away. Mr. Leonard smiled.

“You’re a part of my family now. We’re called the H.B.A Organization, but you have to sign the contract first, and be my clean-up man. Of course, you’ll just be an apprentice at your age. Your tutor will be Amelia Vali.” After Michalis was discharged from the hospital, he met Amelia, and was adopted by her and given the name Michalis Vali, where he was taught what the Organization was, and what his job would be.

At fifteen, he was given a family, a woman he thought of as his mother, and a man, Mr. Leonard, he admired and adored even though the work was harsh. At twenty-five, he dressed all black, with tears threatening to fall out of his eyes, as he stood over a coffin filled with Amelia Vali, and needless to say, Michalis had lived a good life, with a whole Organization as his family and had treated him like he was a member of it, had a father figure in his life, and a motherly one, as well. When Amelia passed away, he took on the official job of being Mr. Leonard’s cleaning man, the last thing I see before coming back to reality is a familiar building, where he walked with a loaded gun.

Frank woke me up in the middle of the night. “Can we sleep together, Gerard?” He was already by my side, hands around my waist, kissing me gently. I guessed in the middle of the night he had removed himself from my bed and now laid there with happy, sleepy eyes. “I love you,” he mumbled. I pressed my hand against his face, it was flushed and a light pink, with little beads of sweat falling down. I checked his forehead, a little warm, and thought nothing of it at first, took it as the heat between our two bodies. A few hours later, I woke up to him, Frank, shivering like he was dipped in ice-cold water.

I immediately placed him back in his own bed, opened the door and found a nurse. “I think Frank has a fever,” I whispered. “I’d feel better if he was with you and had the help he needs. I woke up and heard him shivering and felt his forehead and it was hot.”

I slept alone for two nights.

The nurses didn’t want him moving or interacting and getting other patients sick, so he was bedridden for the next two days, his meals given to him, his sessions cancelled because he was still quite ill. I missed him a lot, more than I thought I would, because most of the time he would sleep at my side. I took the pillow he slept on some nights and breathed in, trying to catch his scent, but the blankets and sheets were regularly washed, so all I could smell was detergent and flowers and freshness. Instead, I used his pillow to pretend it was him, to cuddle him and hope he was thinking of me like I thought of him. I breathed, my heartbeat loud in the quiet room, and wished he’d come back soon, where he belonged. I woke up and he was there, finally deemed stable enough to stay around others, which I was quietly grateful for, and put my palm to his forehead while he was still asleep and when realizing that he was perfectly fine, watched the early sunset, completely happy. Just as the sun rose to its peak, he woke up, dazed and eyes vacant, putting them back into focus. I watched him with a warm smile on my face, and said softly, “Good morning, Frank.” Frank looked at me, smiled, and I leaned down to peck his cheek. 

“Did you miss me, Gerard?” Frank laughed and got up, holding his head and said under his breath, “Woah. I just got dizzy for a second.” I watched him worriedly, afraid he’d get sick again, and put my hands to his cheeks and forehead. He wasn’t warm, so I told myself I was just overreacting, and leaned down to kiss his forehead. Yes, I wanted to say, I missed you so much and it was only two days. How would I feel if you were to leave me forever? I would miss you so much my heart would ache. 

I wanted to say so much, but instead, I whispered, “Frankie. I love you.” 

“I love you too,” Frank said grinning. He loved hearing those words, I knew he did, because whenever he said it back the butterflies in my stomach grew.

“Marry me.” I told him, shocked by my words, because I had only known this boy for a small amount of time, but in that time, we had done so much together. After I said those words though, I didn’t regret them at all, I meant them, I wanted Frank to marry me.

And, God, did I want to marry him.

Frank was absolutely stunned. I was afraid he wouldn’t say anything, but he basically went off on me, with a rant. “Gerard, I’m sixteen! You’re nineteen. It’s...illegal, isn’t it? We can’t be married, Gerard. That’s insane! We’re too young, don’t you think, Gerard?” He finished, looking at me with sad eyes like he really wanted it, but knew he couldn’t have such a thing. 

“You’ll be seventeen soon,” I murmured into his skin. “I wasn’t thinking just this second, Frank. In a few years, when we get out of here, move to our own place, when you’re legal. I want to marry you.” Frank made a sound, almost a moan, against me, and stayed quiet. “I can’t think of anyone else but you. I thought of a future with you when we ran away together, Frank. I really did. I dreamed about it.” I added quickly, but he had turned his head away from me, unable to look me in the eyes.

“Yes,” he whispered carefully. “I’ll marry you.”

“You two are up early,” Shelly said as she walked in. She eyed us both. “How are you feeling, Frank? Better?” Frank nodded and Shelly walked over, helped him up, and said cheerfully, “Breakfast, boys?”

The moment I was alone, Michalis showed up. Why he didn’t show up when Frank was sick and not in the same room as me I didn’t understand. He looked pretty serious today, so I didn’t tell him to go away, instead, I actually listened to him as he sat on the edge of my bed and started to talk. 

“I’ve heard you and Frank Iero are now engaged.” Michalis said, almost like he was disgusted. I nodded and he waved me away, like he didn’t want to hear any more. “A rule of being part of the H.B.A Organization is that you musn’t marry, Gerard, I would have assumed you knew that.” Michalis looked at me, expecting more from me at this point, and continued, “There is too much a risk of a spouse finding out about us, so none of us can marry or have children for that matter. Do you know what that means, Mr. Way?”

“I can’t marry Frank,” I answered. “I don’t care. I love him. He’s everything to me.”

“Told Mr. Leonard you would say something like that. Children and young love. You’ve got a spark in you, Mr. Way, it’s fascinating to see when you let it show. You would fit right in with our organization and I’d love to watch you win this. However, Gerard, if you carry on with these plans with Frank, you, Frank, your family, and Frank’s family will be killed. I don’t want to kill you, Gerard, I genuinely don’t, and Mr. Leonard is hesitant, as well, but he will order me to take care of you. Please, Gerard, I want you to think about your future. You have two options: call off the engagement, live, get through this, get over what you have with Frank Iero, and have a fulfilling future with us, or have everyone you love die.” Michalis stood up, and said, “I don’t want your blood on my hands.” He walked, just as Frank walked in with a sick complexion.

“Who...who were you talking to, Gerard?” Michalis slipped out the door, but first gave me a warning look.

“No one,” I said quickly, nervously, as his sudden barge in had made my heart skip a beat. “I was just talking to myself, thinking about this engagement thing. No need to worry, babe, it’s just me thinking out loud here.” Frank smiled although it looked like he didn’t believe me 100% percent, but he blushed when I called him babe, so for now, everything was okay. I walked over to the little phone that hardly ever worked, and decided to make a quick phone call as Frank headed down to group session. “Hello?” I asked into the phone. “Mikey? Are you there? I need to ask you a favor. I’ll pay you back when I get out of here whenever that is.” I hoped he would talk soon.

“Sure, Gerard. What’s up? Another get out of jail scheme?” I smiled and forgotten how long it had been since my little brother visited me.

“It isn’t a jail, it’s a hospital,” I corrected him. “I need you to buy something for me. A ring.” Mikey was quiet for a long time. “Are you still there? I know, Mikey, it may seem too soon, and he’s young, but he’ll be turning seventeen in a week, and we’re waiting until we can both get out of here, healthy and safe. Of course, being financially stable, having our own place, we’ll be fine on our own. It’ll be a few years before we can get to that point, but I want to marry him, Mikey.” I waited for him to reply and was scared shitless of what he would say to me. Would he approve? Or would he dismiss it?

“I don’t agree entirely with your decision.” Mikey said after a long, agonizingly painful pause. “I can see he makes you happy, Gerard, and this is the first time I’ve seen you with such strong emotion, but marriage is a large step. Can you call me back in a few days after you’ve completely set your mind on a future with Frank?” He hung up and I wanted to say I had made up my mind, I really had, but the only time I ever thought of marrying Frank was when the two small words popped out of my mouth, but they had meant so much.

Frank had said yes, I remembered, and I never felt happier.

If I really did end up taking my relationship farther with Frank other than being my boyfriend, and have him be my husband, then, I could possibly hurt all of us. I devised a plan for Frank to live, and for him to become valuable to the HBA. so they wouldn’t dare touch him. I was taking a giant risk by doing this for him, but if it meant he would be - well, be safe and protected then I would do it for him. I needed a way to tell it to him in confidence, privately, so no one else could hear. I quickly figured that the storage closet would be a wonderful solution and figured out the day to tell him. Frank was a strong boy, he would be able to survive through it, he was stronger than I could ever be and I wasn’t dead yet, so Frank would be fine. I thought of a date that would be suitable and figured it would be a week before Frank’s seventeenth birthday, and it was the 7th of October today, so it would give me enough time to mentally prepare myself for what I was about to do to Frank. It was a perfect plan, I told myself, and I had to make sure that I wouldn’t accidentally blurt out anything to Michalis while I was talking to him.

“How are you feeling today, Gerard? Is your medication still working out for you?” Dr. Morrigan asked, sipping her coffee. “This is the first time you’ve been taking your medication for eight months. That’s the longest we’ve ever had you on a medication. Does it work for you?” She smiled at her coffee cup and looked at me then, she looked extremely happy.

“I guess, I just feel the same. The visions are hardly happening.” I looked over at the empty chair that dreaded Dr. Alfons had once occupied and to my joy I had found out (courtesy of Dr. Morrigan, I love that woman) that he had been transferred to the hospital to another part of town, and he never had to come here again and call me “teacup” or irritate the hell out of me.

“That’s good, Gerard!” Dr. Morrigan chirped. “It means you’re getting better, and your release could be given to you any day now.” Dr. Morrigan was acting happier than usual, a bounce more in her step, a smile on her red lips, her hair tied into a bun. I started to pay more attention to figure out why she was acting so happy, and noticed a ring on her finger, but it had always been there, hadn’t it? Dr. Morrigan was married, yes I knew that, so what other reason could there be for such obvious happiness? I didn’t want to be rude, but my curiosity was way too strong, so as she finished drinking her drink, I smiled at her innocently.

“Dr. Morrigan?” I asked. “You seem happier than usual. I’m sorry if this is rude, but why?”

She smirked and had a glint in her eye. “You must really be curious because you’re asking me and you’re polite to me about it. Well Gerard, just this week I found out that I’m pregnant. This will be my second child and my oldest has been wanting a little sibling.” Dr. Morrigan cooed, touching her stomach, nearly caressing it, almost as if it was already a newborn baby and she didn’t want to hurt it. “Gerard, for the last few months before I give birth to the baby, you will have a replacement for your sessions and group sessions, but I don’t want you treating them disrespectfully, okay? I beg of you, as a friend more than your doctor, treat them with respect.” She practically begged me to, so I reluctantly agreed after a minute of thinking. “Thank you,” she said exasperatedly. “You can go now, Gerard. Can you call in Tom for me?” I walked out and gave Tom a nod before going back into my own room. 

Frank sat with a book propped up with his knees. He smiled at me as I removed my shoes and laid on my back on the bed, sighing as I did, and Frank threw something on top of me which made my vision blur.

It was my sketchbook, hardly ever used anymore. “I want you to start drawing again,” Frank told me. I opened up my book, grabbed a pencil, and did a quick, crude sketch. It was black, white, and messy, but it was obviously Frank, wide eyes and messy hair. I showed it to him and he blushed peachy pink. I was always the best with eyes, and his, I could look into for years, so I’ve had plenty of inspiration.

I pulled Frank into the storage closet, his lips already planted onto mine without hesitation, and we made out in there for a while, lips hot wet body against body. I pulled away and whispered, “I pulled you in here for a reason you know.” Frank grunted as he pulled away.

“I figured that, but I need this right now. Shut up and just kiss me, Gee.” He tugged on my hair, fingers in it, and kissed me, and I let him for as long as he wanted, kissing him back with the same intensity that he showed, clearly he wanted this, and at this point, I really needed to tell Frank and there was a big risk of being caught, so I pushed him off me as nonchalant as I could. He pouted, fingering with the collar of my shirt, almost putting his fingers in it and pulling me toward him. I smiled and pecked him quickly on the lips, not giving him more than just a friendly peck.

“Frank,” I said, half-serious, half-playful. “Come on. I need to talk to you, and I don’t want us caught.” At the seriousness in my voice, he nodded sternly, and waited for me to continue talking. I didn’t quite know how to go about this, I had just hoped I would wing it and do it as I go along. I breathed in for a minute and waited, then did it again about three or four times. Frank seemed to be getting impatient. “Okay. I’m sorry. I don’t know how to get with this. This is important, Frank, and I don’t want you to get yourself hurt, so I’m going to share something that could make or break the world.” He leaned toward me, his knee pressing into my own, his eyes worried yet curious. “Once I tell you, no one will hurt you. I promise. You’ll be safe, and that’s all I want for you. I hope you trust me.” I looked at him, and continued, “if you want, you can leave right now. You could pretend we don’t exist, if you think I’m crazy or whatever, we can act like we don’t know each other.” Frank shook his head and fumbled as his hands reached for my lap, putting himself closer to my lips and kissing me. 

“Tell me. I don’t want to pretend we don’t exist, Gerard, please. Don’t let our relationship mean nothing,” Frank pleaded. “I love you, Gerard, I don’t want us to end.” He grabbed my hand. “I’ll be fine, I promise, I promise you, okay?” he begged, holding himself closer to me and I held him in my arms, tight. “Tell me.”

Raymond found us because Frank wouldn’t stop screaming. It took him only a minute to find us, practically sprinting to Frank’s rescue. He saw me holding Frank in my arms, him laying on my lap as I comforted him when I told him, told him the eleventh secret that I myself wasn’t even supposed to know. Raymond had others and he ordered both of them to keep Frank away from me, far away, and called Dr. Morrigan to talk to me to get information as to why Frank was flipping his shit, but Dr. Morrigan was at an appointment, so a new doctor, friends with Dr. Morrigan, interviewed me while I sat in his office, the same size as Dr. Morrigan’s, but completely different. This doctor’s name was Dr. Stump, a blonde, really short man. He wore a coat, glasses, and a smile, even when I walked in with the biggest scowl on my face and tears in my eyes. 

“Hi, Gerard, right? You’re Morrigan’s patient? Hello!” He sat up and shook my hand, then calmed down as Raymond spoke to him quietly. Raymond left and Dr. Stump had me sit down on his chair. “Gerard,” he started. “Can you tell me about Frank?” There was the bomb, and I made my head move back and forth. Dr. Stump frowned, leaned forward, and waited. “Gerard, I’m not letting you go anywhere until you tell me. I can wait however long it takes, don’t test me.” Then Dr. Stump quieted, smiling at me expectantly, smiling at my teary eyes. I would not cry in front of this doctor, even though the pain I may have caused Frank made my chest ache and my eyes sting. I wouldn’t, I refused to show weakness, and stayed quiet with him. None of us broke the silence. Soon, his phone rang, and he answered it. “Laine, Gerard isn’t talking to me. You want to talk to him? Okay, I’ll fill you in on everything later. Okay.” He handed me the phone.

“Gerard,” Dr. Morrigan didn’t sound happy, she sounded...afraid, but she placed a facade over her and tried to sound as calm and professional as she could. “I won’t be able to come back for another hour. I can’t talk long, but I do want you to tell Dr. Stump what you did to Frank. For his sake, we just want him safe, and I know that’s what you want for him too, Gerard.” She hung up, and I handed the phone to him.

“I didn’t hurt him. Frank. I saved him.”

Frank was in intensive care for two nights. He didn’t tell anyone. I refused to tell anyone what had happened the day Raymond found us in the storage closet. Dr. Morrigan eventually gave up, making me return to my daily routine, where I anxiously waited for Frank to return to me. He had to be escorted everywhere, they made extra sure that he would not run into me, and he changed rooms. I asked Dr. Morrigan why they were making me stay away from Frank, but the answer was obvious. She stayed quiet for a little while and played with her spoon in her tea. “Frank would have asked for you. He doesn’t want to see you. We suggested he change rooms, and he agreed. Gerard, you didn’t save him. I think you broke him.” Dr. Morrigan said this with no remorse, bluntly, and she knew it made something crumble inside me, too.

The day I could visit Frank again, he was not the boy I was madly in love with, not the one I fell for, but it was. His eyes were blood-shot and he didn’t smile when he looked at me. I sat down on the edge of his bed, and he said, softly, “Hi.” Frank always had a soft, gentle voice, but not like this. It wasn’t even a whisper, and I had to strain myself to hear it. He looked at me again and I met his eyes and he repeated, “Hi.” It was louder than before, and I nearly started to sob right there.

“Frank,” I didn’t know what else I could say then. “I missed you so much, Frank. Could I hug you?” Frank nodded and I enveloped him into a giant hug, burying my face in his neck, and I cried. “I missed you, Frankie, I’m so sorry for what I did. Please forgive me, I needed to do what I did in order to protect you.” Frank’s upper lip quivered and he whispered something.

“What did you do to me?”

What did you do to me?


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter, however there is a short little epilogue being added :)

Shelly called for lunchtime, and I ate alone, again. No one would go near me. Others would shudder in awe and fear when I was called to talk for group, the mere mention of my name left them shaking in their hospital shoes, I was feared, not respected, and there was a big difference. Lunch soon ended and I chose to draw in my room rather than go outside, so I spent the time drawing Frank and most importantly, his broken shattered face. This wasn’t what I had wanted, I wanted him to feel safe with me, not accuse me of fucking with his mental state. If I told him about the rest of the HBA I would surely be killed, along with Frank, so I only told him the secret, and prayed he would live a safe life, and with me. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be, he wasn’t supposed to break in the process, Frank was strong, stronger than I would ever be, and I thought he would be able to handle it, I never anticipated he would fall apart like this. 

“Hello Gerard Way,” I turned around and saw Michalis smiling, in a twisted sort of way and no teeth showing, not today. The first thing I noticed was his mouth, closed and tight, but then the blood on his gloves, dripping on the very floor. “I hate to intrude, and especially leave such a mess. I’ve had this job for so long, I should know by now how to keep myself clean.” Blood still dripped from them, his smile now turning nightmarish. “Of course, Gerard, you must be wondering why I’m here by now, and why I have blood on my hands.” I backed up, ready to defend myself if I had to, and my heartbeat started to race. “Don’t worry, Mr. Way,” he smiled again. “Congratulations. I just disposed of the last participant. You’ve survived. She broke entirely, finally begging for help from Mr. Leonard’s brother, telling him what Mr. Leonard had done to her. You’ve won.” Michalis removed his gloves and threw them in the trash. “Come with me, Gerard, we’ve got a surprise for you.” He exited the room, I followed behind him without hesitation, and watched as he walked out, no guards watching us, no aids, nothing. All of their attention was focused somewhere else, and it amazed me that Michalis got me into a car without trouble. I had dreamed of this without realizing it, dreamed that I would live through this contract, and start my life anew, with Frank in the picture. The car was hazy, dark, and had a man I didn’t recognize in the passenger seat. This man didn’t speak.

“Headquarters, Mr. Leonard?” Michalis asked the man next to him, Mr. Leonard, the one who started this all. When he turned to look at me, he had dark purple black blue rings under his eyes, and cold eyes. He wasn’t warm, he was cold and had sunken in cheekbones, hair short and gelled back, and I guessed that’s what the secrets had done to him, all of them. How many had he found over the years? Was there still more? They had caused great pain, immense, almost unbearable pain, but there was so much knowledge that I didn’t know before, the answers to life’s questions were in my brain and in Mr. Leonard’s, and one, the one I deemed most important, was in Frank’s brain and mine.

“No,” he said, changing his mind. His voice was dead, no emotion shown. “Take us to Deran’s. The surprise is there, Michalis.” Michalis nodded and turned smoothly although it was abrupt. I wondered how Frank was doing, if he noticed that I wasn’t there at lunch, that I wasn’t in my room. 

Michalis stopped the car and parked in front of an abandoned building, bigger than the others surrounding it. The sign NO TRESPASSING was big and noticeable, but I didn’t say anything. This was the HBA and they obviously knew what they were doing. Mr. Leonard went first, fixing his tie and smoothing back his hair, entered the home through the fence, the Deran sign was partially scratched off and hanging on its last thread. I followed him, inside the giant place, and as I was expecting something dirty and filled with dust, I was met with clean, black furniture, and black curtains. Michalis motioned for me to sit down, and I did, the leather cool on my warm skin.

This room never got much sun, and it felt like the room was made up of ice. Why were we here? I didn’t see any surprise, something that would make me feel grateful that I had won this and survived. Michalis removed a gun from a dark box and held it in his hand. My throat dried, and I gripped onto the arms of the leather chair. Michalis walked past me, and I saw Mr. Leonard quickly shake his head. He stopped, turned around, and smiled at me, putting the gun in my hand like he knew what I was supposed to do with it. 

I had never touched a gun in my life. I was surprised by how heavy it was. It was dark like everything else in the room, and I held it in my hand for a moment. “Give it here, Mr. Way.” Michalis ordered. I handed it back to him, and noticed Mr. Leonard had left the room. When he came back, he had someone leaning on him, limp and bloody, with a blindfold on. 

It took me longer than it should have to realize it was Frank.

I nearly vomited on their red carpet, but I got to my feet and went to him as Mr. Leonard dropped him to the floor. I removed the blindfold and looked at his closed eyes. He was still breathing very faintly, but he was breathing.

“Frank!” I yelled. “Frank, open your eyes!” I tried to open them myself, but he closed them after I did. “Frank, baby, please. Open your eyes. Michalis, what did you do to Frank? Why did you hurt him?” I was mad, so mad, and afraid that I’d lose him. I kissed him, his dried bloody lips, and made him lay on my lap.

“Don’t worry, Gerard, we didn’t kill him. We sedated him. We tried to get information out of him, but he refused to budge. He’ll be conscious soon enough, give him time.” His eyes opened a few minutes later, and he groaned, his whole body looked sore. 

“Gerard,” he moaned. “What happened? I’m in pain.” I held him, kissing him, not even caring that we were in a room filled with two assassins, and one was holding a gun with a sick smile. “Where are we? This isn’t Gray Oak. How did we get out?” I kissed him, made so he wouldn’t waste energy on anything. “Gerard, did we escape again? Are we out of here? We’re safe, Gee, right? You promised I would be safe.” I whispered into his hair that I would protect him with my life, baby, Frank, I would protect you, and I would, even if it meant I’d have to die while saving him. He was worth it, he was worth so much more, I’d die a thousand times if it mean his life wouldn’t be in danger.

“I know what you did, Gerard Way.” Mr. Leonard finally spoke, his gun in his hand. “You’ve broken a rule, however, giving the eleventh secret to you was not my - or anyone else’s mistake. I did it on purpose, because I’ve always had a feeling you would survive, Gerard, ever since you were a young child. I had a special feeling about you, that this would be your fate. Our organization would be your downfall and lead to your demise, but not because of the secrets I’ve blessed you with. I wanted to know if you could be faithful, trusted. I gave you a big responsibility, the most important secret. You failed, Gerard Way. You’ve failed the project.” Mr. Leonard said this without remorse, not even bothering to look at me, but looked at his gun. I knew that he was contemplating taking both of our lives and he would do so, because I had broken the rule. We were both going to die, and it was my fault. I sent Frank to his death when I was trying to save both of our lives. 

“What are you doing with us, then?” I asked, fighting the tears. They were so close to falling.

“You will decide, Gerard, who dies first. Your deaths will be my hand. You will not attempt to murder me or Michalis trust me, you will not want to. If you do, your life will be filled with more misery than you can believe. Take my word for it, you won’t.” Mr. Leonard cocked the gun, and said, “So?” I refused to let him kill either of us. I tried to figure out a way for me to kill them both, there was a small enough distance for me to get to him without him expecting it, grab the gun from Mr. Leonard’s hand, and press it to his head. On my knees, with Frank in my lap, I removed him away from me slowly before whispering in his ear. I got up on my feet, stumbling, and if I failed this, I would die, but not before Frank was safe. I had learned from Dad that the elbow was strong, and had called bullshit on it but, as I got ready to remove the gun from him, I prayed it would work. I used my elbow in his ribs, hard, hearing bone against bone made me shudder inside. 

I twisted his wrist, ready to grab the gun, but surprisingly enough, he had dropped it. Mr. Leonard had barely put up a fight at all, but I scrambled to get it. “I’ll kill both of you!” The gun seemed lighter in my hands now, my finger posed at the trigger as I grabbed the side of Mr. Leonard’s head and pulled it, squeezing it multiple times. 

I only heard one bullet. There was only one.

His body fell to the floor, blood running out of the side of his head, and I dropped the gun, shaking uncontrollably. I had just killed a man. I had killed Mr. Leonard, the one who was responsible for my torment, and it was done. He was dead.

I closed my eyes, knowing that Michalis was still in the room, but I knew he had no weapon. I opened them again, and he had disappeared, like he usually did. There were sirens, blue red screaming as they drove. I turned to look at Frank, his smiling face, then back at Mr. Leonard’s body. It was gone. I looked all around, looked for any sign of his blood on the carpet, but there was none. “Frank?” I asked, shakily. “Where did he go? You saw him die didn’t you? Frank, you saw Mr. Leonard die.” I went back to look at Frank, his body limp on the red carpet, something liquidy running, running down the side of his head, so much red, so much…

“Put your hands above your head, now! Drop the gun!” I turned to face a man in a uniform, gun ready to shoot, and I dropped the heavy gun in my hand to the floor. I put my hands up, kicked the gun to the side, and the officer came to arrest me, while one checked Frank. The same officer declared, “This one is Frank, I saw his picture before we left. A shot to the head. At this rate, we’ll never save him in time. There’s nothing we can do.” I crumbled entirely, but was forced to keep it under control as the officer led me out in cuffs. The drive was long, silent, deadly. My heart felt like it was gone, there was nothing they could do, I...I had killed Frank. The officers held me in the county jail for a few days while they got ready for my trial, and once news got around to my parents, they refused to get me a lawyer. I was given one.

“Gerard, if you plea insanity, there is a chance you won’t go to prison for what you did to Frank. Your psychiatrist, Dr. Morrigan, said you had a history of schizophrenia, so that could be used.” 

I pleaded not guilty, and played the insanity card on the judge, to my lawyer’s request. I deserved every kind of punishment, I really did, I deserved to be dead and not Frank, not my Frank, who was so young and had so much life in him. 

There was so much we were supposed to do, but we had never done.


End file.
